GDB 71.0: BATTLE OF ALBERTA
Wanye
March 16 2012 12:20PM
Oh hey Calgary. How’s things? It’s just Wanye - your friendly neighbour to the North. Just thought we’d pop in with a few friends to talk about the ice hockey match this evening.
Things aren’t as dire up here in Edmonton as seasons of XXth, 30th, 30th and 29th would suggest. Yeah we know you are better than us on paper. You have an all world goalie capable of winning you any game he decides. We have a worn out old Russian and some 9 foot something or other backing him up.
Your Captain has X 30 goal seasons in a row, our Captain makes $30 million dollars a game.
PROOF MEET PUDDING
We know that you have been to the playoffs X times since 2006 and all we have been getting up here is our collective asses handed to us. We know we aren’t even close to you in the standings.
We know that the cumulative 5 year record of our respective teams is:
We know all sorts of facts.
Having said all of that:
WE WOULD RATHER BE US THAN YOU
That’s right. The Oilers are coming out of an extended dark age and yours are only beginning now. And you know it too – don’t even pretend you can’t see four or five years of basement dwelling on the horizon ahead of you. Look how old you are! And the no trade clauses! Tsk tsk tsk. It boggles the mind!
Had any UFA or RFA of note chosen the Edmonton Oilers in the past 10 years we might be in a similar pickle. But guess what. They didn’t. And the garbage that we were able to sign are almost all off the books. Then you know what happens? That’s when the winning starts.
Now sure that might be tomorrow and not today. We know that you are surging ETC ETC ETC and hope to put a playoff berth firmly in your sights tonight. And we know that this ain’t exactly the best Oilers squadron of the past 3
There are many areas the Oilers can whip the Calgary Flames at and this includes:
SEXIER BRASS
Sutter v Renney? Are we kidding here? Not to mention that the corpse of Tambellini could be left in the sun for a week and be more attractive in a bathing suit than Jay Feaster. No no, this isn't even a contest between the two franchises.
MORE RYANS
Compare the rosters
MORE SQUEEE
Something something
MORE NUGE
Something something
AND SO
In closing here are some more incendiary quotes from OilersNation via twitter:
@bcherri01 This one is for first dibs on tee times #battleofalberta
@JSBMrevolution Time to show the world who the REAL best cousin kissers are #Wait #battleofalberta
@MyqWilson “Who wins BOA? Jay Feaster asks for the question to be rephrased in the form of a cheeseburger*
You are the worst monsters in human history. We look forward to watching you miss the playoffs.
Signed,
A team out of the playoffs for XX consecutive months
PS Even at the end of the article we would STILL rather be us than you.
FIST Eat!@#$ Flames
My buddy from Edmonton is currently on vacation in Geneva. Click here to check out the photo he took of the thermostat in his hotel bedroom. He promised to crank it up for the game tonight so my GDP is Eberle's first ever NHL hat trick.
Well done fine sir, feels good to finally get a GDB in against the middle mediocre meddling morons who will miss the playoffs once again. (I have to admit that Baertschi (sp?) kid looks pretty good tho)
Best GDB evaaaaaaa!
This is going to be such a great day
Words cannot describe this GameDay posting.
But what about Sven, Wanye? What about Sven?!
Indeed, what about Sven? For starters, his last name is dumb. 5 Consonants in a row and three different vowels? It looks like somebody reached into the Crown Royal pouch thats used to hold the Scrabble letters and tried to slip one past immigration.
Shooting at 37%? Totally sustainable. Good thing you've got him for the rest of the season. OH...RIGHT, he has to go back to play little kid hockey as soon as your old and busted team gets healthy. If they CAN get healthy. No worries though, Next year your team will finally have someone to play with Iggy for the the forseeable future. It might be 8 years too late, but at least Iggy will be able to give Sven pointers on how to play in the NHL without a supporting cast.
now THIS is a GDB! well played noble sire.
#eatsh!tflames is definitely something i can back. i hope that Wanye, through his extensive grouping of groupies can have this trending sooner rather than later.
furthermore i hope #eatsh!t flames becomes the mantra for every single BOA game.
#eatsh!tflames*
*i hate every single one of you flames with all my heart.
BRILLIANT!!! Love the pic Stocc. Please Please Please spOIL the Flames post season hopes. PLEASE!
Who says it helps to be a 14yo girl whenst Sqeeeeeeeeeeeeing? Im pretty sure i can outsquee any 14yo girl.
oh yeah: Eat $h!t Flamers
Wayne, this is probably your finest work ever.
Haha. Best one yet Wanye. I was legitemately LoLing.
PS. Where the heck are the lineups??! There must be lineups and Game day news for the love of god, you hack!!!
SVENSQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Well that's all the omen I need, I'll go with 5 goals 9 points for the Eberlean one.
CRANK UP THE SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
That. Was. Awesome.
...as can most of your 15year old boys... which I hear you trolls in Shelbyville ...like
I'd say the same thing to you but your team has been doing that for the last 7years for you... suck it, bottom feeders!
The nuge looks like he is built like a 14 year old anime nerd.
Arguing over who wins the Battle of Alberta at this point is like running in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still retarded!
Ruthless commentary. Thank god for post like this from Wanye. It's what makes ON enjoyable. Instead of Willis' Calculator of Gloom. Willis is the dad who you show your 98% report card to and he asks why didn't you get 100%.
That Cheeseburger tweet is possibly one of the best ever.
@T&A4Flames
actually 7 years ago was the lockout and after that we went to the conference final...typical flames fan and being smarter than nobody
Without a doubt this is the greatest article ever written by Wanye. This should be nominated for some sort of interwebz award.
Sweet Jesus. Did anyone else picture Wayne writing this while lying on the floor of Nation World HQ surrounded by dozens of empty Pixie Stix Tubes and crushed Bud Light Lime cans?
Responses from the Flames fan **crickets**
Wanye you outrageous magnificent bastard. Your finest hour. A gutsy offering worthy of a buzillion props. Girls swooning at the mention of your name. Grown men sobbing with satisfaction. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comment on how the Canucks are lightyears better than both teams, so haha.
@Canuck Fan
Comment on how the Canucks have never won the Stanley Cup and never will, so haha.
When even Calgary can trash talk you with their ONE cup, you know your team is useless! #CanuckSuck
Oh, sorry. My bad..... you've only sucked 5 straight years.
Always fun to read to quips of Flames fans...Almost the biggest posers in the NHL, well next to Canucks fans.
Flames Nation Anthem: "We're Number 9!!!" "We're Number 10!!!"
Mediocrity = Flames
Great article Wanye, fun read, but I gotta say I got the shivers when Feasters Mug comes scrolling into view....Shivers again... UGLY
NOBODY can out 'squeeeeeeeeeeee' louder and better than Steve Tambi when the 1st overall lottery pick goes ...yet again.... to the Edmonton Oilers!!!!!!!!!!
That must be an imitation thermostate as it only covers a hotness (yes hotness, not heat) range of 5-30 degrees. A real Eberle would start at lava...minimum.
Is there a Pulitzer Award for Blogs? This crap is near genius....well played Wanye,well played...
And a pox on that southern bastion of hillbillies and evil rodeo clowns.
It's even more fun to read Oil fan comments that somehow try to make their team more impressive than ours... yes, "we're #9" blah, blah...
Let me try....
"we're #29, we're #30..."
"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE...." we won the lottery for 1st overall again....SQUEEEEEEEEEEE..." (jumping for joy, hugs all around!!!)
Wow...yea, that is fun.
Seriously, though, I really just want to see the TRUE BOA in the playoffs where both teams seem to factor in....
Haha that was amusing. The Oiler fan lament is some day we'll be better, just wait.
It's funny because it used to be Oilers won 5 cups! You're either living in the past or waiting..waaaaiiiitttttinnng for the future. The present, well that's another story.
Your posts just show how sad you are that Calgary has advanced so far past Edmonton in every category.
Where we're tall, you're short. Where we're rich, you're poor etc.
Calgary is the preferred destination for the best of the best and Edmonton...isn't. In fact people leave Edmonton for a better life in Calgary. And you know it.
The hate or resentment only goes one direction. You see in Calgary we don't even think about you losers.
Yeah you won the last one. It must have felt like the Stanley Cup (reminiscing about that must have felt nice) and now you can think you're witty and clever. But you're just sad, sad people with nothing else to look forward to.
Oh that's right the Oilers will be good...someday.
@Sean17
Here here.
This is the 1st GDB I've been able to read further then the first 5 lines. Stats are nice and all but they aren't the end all be all. Ask Billy Beane how well the A's have done in the last decade.
What was the score the last time these two teams met? Oh right....6-1 for the Oil. Suck it hard Calgary!
Is that hellboy wearing #13? Ugggllllliiiieeee! Mighty Rising Oil 4.....flameouts 1 (maybe)..
What was the score the 8 times before that?? I can't remember....
Ah, doesn't matter... the record is enough.
Something like.. 14-1 Flames in the last 15
BOTTOM. FEEDERS!!!!
Brilliant.
You could have stopped after the top photo and caption and it still would be so. And everybody calls you an imbecile . . .
Cammy likes it so much I think he sees a 5 year extension for 6.5 per.......oh wait that's jaybo's top up...too funny!
Hey Jeff....poke poke....yes you guys really do squeal like p*gs!
Hahahaha, Eat Sh!t indeed...I love it...That's how you keep a rivalvry between 2 non-playoff teams going in the morning.
I'm not going to lie though, I worry about the Sven-sanity hot streak going on...it's boosting Iggy, who's red-hot right now too, and that douche loves to pound on the Oilers. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect for Iggy, but I don't like him anymore...Time for Hall to show him how a winger is supposed to play.
I'm not going to make predictions, since I"m almost always wrong, but I'd like to see a good battle of the youth tonight...Sven, Horak & Bouma vs. Nuge, Hall & Eberle...
**remiscing about MacIntyre KO of Ivanans...
Oil. Ram it where the sun don't shine with a FIST.
Is there going to be live game chat?
I want to hear about how SVEN is going to score 50 goals next year and lead the flames to a cup.
While I'm sure all of you up north in stinkville had this day circled on your soiled, stained lucky draw'ers that you use more as a calender than an undergarment, it must still sting that despite no matter how much you have hope in that farce of a "re-build", that your team sucks, your management sucks; and no matter how much money Katz has, he's still an idiot for keeping everyone else around.
Keep the faith Oil-fan, you have the Hall, Eberle and the Nuuuuuge... for now. By the time you're able to get rid of that slug Horcoff, Little Huey, Dewey and Louie will be just as S#!tty as he is.
So enjoy your one and only FGD write-up. THANK GOD Wanye did it, it made me laugh and it was brilliantly done. As so many Oiler twits err.. tweeps have been saying since by back-and-forth with Wanye last night on Twitter, THIS IS YOUR STANLEY CUP Shelbyville... How freaking pathetic is that?
At least we know the problems with our team, but if your ONE ambition in a season is to beat the Flames.. Lol, then you should be copying the pic Wanye used at the top, blow it up (you're good at that!) and paste it to the paper bags you put on your head as you walk into WrecksAll errrr Rexall!
So go squeeeeeeeeeeeze into your 1980's tear soaked Oilers jersey, pound a few red bull and get ready to assume the position, cause this one might sting a tad!
Last night Wanye called this game the "Hour of our REDEMPTION"..
It's just too bad Edmonton misspelled redemption and unfortunately use this as the definition..
re·tard. ation
noun
1. a slowing down, diminution, or hindrance, as in a machine.
verb
1. to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.
... Great GDB!! I laughed, I cried, I did it all.. Good times!
.. Remember Edmonton, even a busted clock is right twice a day! Good luck.. pffft...
I'm not going to troll, although that would be fun.
All you have to do is listen to both Team radio stations in both cities (which I do frequently)
Trust me, Edmonton has an inferiority complex, we wish we were better, but rarely do you ever hear that we strive to accomplish something that Calgary has.
On the flip side, ever since the Sutterites have been in charge of Calgary, there is a "we'd better beat Edmonton, and everything else will work out from there" mentality.
Do you think any other team cares that much about being better than a rebuilding team?
And what happens next season, or 2-3 years from now. Of course we wait, because we can't get worse, but Calgary, oh, you can get alot worse. My only hope is your top pick in 2014 will have the fire in his belly like Taylor Hall does, and we see good games again.
@jeremywilhelm
Coming from a 14 year old anime* nerd, I wish I was built like that.
*not really (replace with star wars)
Have you oiler fans ever stopped to consider - "what if we don't improve?" Think Islanders, Columbus, etc.
The article's assertion that deep down every Flames fan wishes their team was the Oil right now is nonsense. I think the true deep down fear of every oil fan is "what if it never gets better?"
This team needs to show me something first. Sure you're good in spurts, but methinks there are going to be too many big ego's in that dressing room to sustain consistency an entire season. If the Oil lose a few that dressing room turns immediately toxic. All these kids have been stars on their own teams their whole life & now they have to share it with 2 or 3 more "superstars".
There's no question there is significant talent there with several players. But Crosby Malkin & Staal or Toews & Kane accomplished so much more than the Edmonton young guns at this point in their careers.
If you're not knocking at the playoff door next year, consider the "blow it up" experiment a failure & get ready for perpetual mediocrity - something us Flames fan have gotten use to the past few years - only difference - Last 20 games of the year are exciting for us & not for you.
That was an incendiary extravaganza of hate laced with large dose of squee. Epic GDB!!!!!
Brilliant! Just frigging Brilliant! Wayne.
Ah, can’t wait till the summer when all the Flames fans will think Parise will join the Flames via UFA!
Meanwhile the Oilers will draft yet another elite level player!
We can watch and laugh as Peter Griffin adds another NMC to Flames roster!
Oh… Flames eat Sh!t