THE TRAGEDY OF THE JORDAN EBERLE CONTRACT

Wanye
August 30 2012 03:40PM

Disappointing news out of Edmonton Oilers HQ broke this afternoon with the announcement that the Oilers extended the contract of Jordan Eberle by a mere six years for a piddling 36 million dollars. This is not only a terrible sum and an awful term, but it also provides a chilling insight into what the future holds for us all.

 In signing Eberle to a six year extension the Oilers have confirmed several facts about the near future:

1. THE WORLD ENDS IN 2019

 

It's clear that the Oilers brass have determined that some sort of extinction level event will occur in the 2019 offseason. The only conceivable reason not to sign 14 past this point is that humanity itself will come to conclusion and contracts past this point will be meaningless.

The Oilers haven't pin pointed the last day on Earth as of yet, but are sure to release more information as it gets closer on the horizon. Personally we don't want to live in a world where the Oilers don't have Jordan Eberle under contract, so this will be as good a time as any to make peace with the Almighty anyway.

It's going to happen. You'll see.

2. NUMBERS WILL STOP AT SIX MILLION

At some point in the next six years, a consortium of scientists, economic types and calculators around the world are going to declare 6 million to be the highest unit of measurement recognized by GAAP and other accepted numbering conventions.

"How much money is Bill Gates worth?" people will ask and the reply will come "oh man he is crazy rich. I've heard as high as six million in the bank."

Same will go in other fields of studies. It will be widely accepted that 6,000,000 people live on Earth. 6 million stars will light up the night sky. The clothing line Billionaire Boys Club will be forced to dial back it's largesse to a more manageable "6 Million Dollar Boys Club"

It's going to happen. You'll see.

3. EBERLE IS THE NEXT CAPTAIN OF THE OIL

It's going to happen. You'll see.

EXPERT ANALYSIS

When this contract expires, the Oilers brass review the books and see all of the millions lying about the offices that could have been given to Jordan Eberle they will realize the magnitude of their mistake and won't see employment in any executive capacity for the remainder of their lives.

May history find some way to rationalize this obviously terrible decision.

#SQUEEEEEE

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#4 Balf
August 30 2012, 04:00PM
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God bless Chris Pronger for demanding a trade out of Edmonton and handing us Jordan Eberle on a platter.

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#5 AutoOiler
August 30 2012, 04:02PM
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The world will end when Eberle says it will. Not before.

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#6 book¡e
August 30 2012, 04:20PM
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PhotoShop Contest = THe future in 2019/20. What will Edmonton Look like? Space aged Rexall 2 dominating a futuristic downtown core with moving sidewalks? Go Go dancers on every corner handing out free chocolate covered chocolates? Soda pop water fountains? Hoverboards? And the Robots, don't forget the Robots!!!!

We can put them all in the OilersNation Art Gallery!

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#7 Moses
August 30 2012, 06:35PM
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Ben wrote:

Wow Wayne. That is singlehandedly the most Uninformed, off the cuff pile of garbage I've ever read. I didn't see you bashing the Hall contract and it's The same thing just one extra year. How exactly is the top brass preparing for a 2019 Crash? It's a couple contracts to get us on the right track and set a template for a few other guys. An affordable set of contracts with highly skilled players shows two things: 1. Those players are here to win. They have enough Leverage in Edmonton to grind for more money. However they didn't. 2. When those contracts do expire and Edmonton Has a couple cups under its belt, there is still room To move up in salary for the next generation of the Oilers. Besides the cap will most likley be higher by then anyway. These are perfectly timed contracts. Besides who's gonna have the balls to ask for More than Taylor or Jordan???

There is no Peter Pocklington in Edmonton. Therefore I'm pretty sure our players won't be sold Or won't have such little pride to leave a winning team for a million or two.

I feel embarrassed and I am not sure why?

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#8 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
August 30 2012, 03:43PM
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#SQUEEEEE !!!!!!!

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#9 geoilersgist
August 30 2012, 03:47PM
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#SSSSQQQQUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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#10 The Soup Fascist
August 30 2012, 04:20PM
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Damn You, Wanye. I hijacked Willis' / Rex's fine offering on the previous thread, once I heard of Eberle's signing, convinced in your euphoria you would have some lame title. So I took the opportunity to pre-emptively strike with the following cheesy titles:

Possible titles Wanye will use for his obligatory article:

"Heir Jordan"

"EBSceptional Signing"

"The $6 million Dollar Man-child"

or my favorite, "Six Million Degrees of Ebs-salvation"

But being the criminal mastermind you are, a curveball was presented in the form of disappointment with the lack of commitment shown Sir Ebs by the Oilers. Gotta say, I did not see that coming. I doff my "Pilsner crested" chapeau to the warped genius that is Wanye.

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#11 The Soup Fascist
August 30 2012, 04:42PM
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Ben wrote:

Wow Wayne. That is singlehandedly the most Uninformed, off the cuff pile of garbage I've ever read. I didn't see you bashing the Hall contract and it's The same thing just one extra year. How exactly is the top brass preparing for a 2019 Crash? It's a couple contracts to get us on the right track and set a template for a few other guys. An affordable set of contracts with highly skilled players shows two things: 1. Those players are here to win. They have enough Leverage in Edmonton to grind for more money. However they didn't. 2. When those contracts do expire and Edmonton Has a couple cups under its belt, there is still room To move up in salary for the next generation of the Oilers. Besides the cap will most likley be higher by then anyway. These are perfectly timed contracts. Besides who's gonna have the balls to ask for More than Taylor or Jordan???

There is no Peter Pocklington in Edmonton. Therefore I'm pretty sure our players won't be sold Or won't have such little pride to leave a winning team for a million or two.

Ummm ... word of the day ... "SATIRE"

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#12 justDOit
August 30 2012, 10:41PM
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Ben wrote:

Most of you are stupid and cannot focus one one task. Like talking about hockey.......

But I can focus long enough to finish my sentences without without repeating repeating words.

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#14 CaptainLander
August 30 2012, 04:03PM
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Off topic comment but if there is a lockout Hall, Ebs and Nuge should play in OKC, then OKC plays there home game in Edmonton. No NHL no problem. Watching the kids destroy in the AHL would help ease the NHL withdrawal.

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#15 David S
August 30 2012, 06:20PM
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The Soup Fascist wrote:

Ummm ... word of the day ... "SATIRE"

I was going to go with LITERACY, but...yeah.

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#16 Dan the Man
August 30 2012, 04:22PM
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It's all about the Sir Wilfred Lauriers baby!

Also SQUEEEEEEEEEE!

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#17 Reality Check to the head
August 30 2012, 05:32PM
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@ Ben (This Guy)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The boat left a long time ago!

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#19 #94 sized hole where my heart used to be...
August 31 2012, 08:20AM
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stretch14 wrote:

What a piss poor article! I actually signed up to this site just to tell you how bad it was, thanks for wasting my time!

One of the cornerstones of our franchise signs a long term deal and the only article is this jokey garbage? You guys need to stop acting like hacks and step it up!

you know if you werent such a douche youd just have clicked the handy "X" button on the top of your Page/Tab and brought up the cult of hockey or some other all business oilers blog, but instead you chose to sign up for this sight and be a troll, sir you are everything wrong with the interwebs

but hey haters gonna hate

thanks Wanye for being an awesome foil to the minbd numbing numbers articles that are Jonathan Wills' posts(no offence Jon)

and damn does it ever feel good to ghost ride that whip again

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#20 David S
August 31 2012, 10:01AM
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book¡e wrote:

To be fair to the critics, if the business side of ON is serious about making millions of $$ off of their efforts, they should have ensured that a serious analysis go up alongside of this more 'philosophical' work by Wante. This signing was not a surprise.

The thing of it is, this is one of the few actual readable articles surrounding the Eberle signing for guys who aren't Excel jockeys. An alternative take. Hockey fun??? How refreshing!

There's craploads of places you can read objective/subjective pros and cons articles about yet another Oilers core player signing, all saying pretty much the same thing. Bluh, bluh,bluh. And I'm quite sure we'll hear the Eberle regression pitch again soon enough - for the jillionth time I might add. YAY!

*Besides, I still haven't heard any explanation for that stack of fives.

**SQUEEE

***FISTPUMP

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#21 Puritania
August 31 2012, 10:42AM
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People who can't enjoy a Wanye article, and people who need to create accounts just to bitch about a Wanye article, need to have their internet taken away.

If I wrote this article, there would be no words, just this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxopViU98Xo

Also, what David said above me.

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#22 Chris!
August 30 2012, 03:54PM
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Six million! But I thought 24 was the highest number!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkP_OGDCLY0

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#23 Dman09
August 30 2012, 04:08PM
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Wanye wrote:

I KISS YOU PRONGER BUT NOT YOUR WITCH WIFE

Edited by Wanye but only after laughing for a good minute

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#24 Wäx Män Riley
August 30 2012, 05:07PM
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But....but.... what will happen when Hall and Eberle get fed up with losing and want out after their ELC is up?? There is no way they will sign here with this management group

Oh and .................................................................................................................... SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!

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#25 justDOit
August 30 2012, 05:37PM
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@Wayne:

And he speaks of the Ebersquee of love.

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#26 The Soup Fascist
August 30 2012, 06:06PM
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Wanye wrote:

I LOVE THIS GUY! KEEP TALKING SEXY TO ME AND I AM GOING TO BUY YOU A BOTTLE OF WINE FOR THE LONG WEEKEND.

Oh and I wouldn't describe me as a columnist. I'm a space cowboy PEW PEW PEW

Maurice?? Is that really you?

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#27 PeOiler
August 30 2012, 06:12PM
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The Soup Fascist wrote:

Maurice?? Is that really you?

Must be, people keep talkin' bout him....

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#28 Murco
August 30 2012, 07:45PM
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@David S

This Blog sucks.

Wanye please retire!

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#29 @Oilanderp
August 30 2012, 07:54PM
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Did you know that if you add "Mayan" and "Eberle" in binary code and then convert it to decimal you get 2019¹? CREEPY!

P.S. Horrible how management is securing the future of the franchise, it will be the death of wandering in the wilderness hockey in northern alberta!

¹ I doubt it does. I never checked. Who knows.

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#30 tricksnard
August 30 2012, 10:36PM
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The only way to properly celebrate this signing was to drop the ghost ride video. Thanks, my day is complete.

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#31 stretch14
August 31 2012, 12:51AM
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@David S

What a piss poor article! I actually signed up to this site just to tell you how bad it was, thanks for wasting my time!

One of the cornerstones of our franchise signs a long term deal and the only article is this jokey garbage? You guys need to stop acting like hacks and step it up!

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#32 The Towel Boy
August 31 2012, 07:48AM
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The negative reactions to this article are hilarious. Is satire/sarcasm lost on kids today?

Keep up the good work guys!

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#33 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
August 31 2012, 07:58AM
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Ben wrote:

Most of you are stupid and cannot focus one one task. Like talking about hockey.......

you sound surprised. are you new around he... hey look a butterfly!

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#34 geoilersgist
August 31 2012, 10:51AM
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@Puritania

I forgot about that absolutely golden video. My production at work just went through the roof.* Also Haters gonna Hate.

*Wanyes articles are pure gold every time.

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#36 Chaz
August 30 2012, 03:45PM
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That article took way too long to post. Guess Wanye had to let out a 30 minute squee. The Nation forgives you.

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#38 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
August 30 2012, 03:45PM
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Chaz wrote:

That article took way too long to post. Guess Wanye had to let out a 30 minute squee. The Nation forgives you.

i had assumed he shat himself after the first set of squeees and had some bidniz to take care of before getting the article up.

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#39 Brandon
August 30 2012, 03:47PM
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SQUEEEEE!!!!!!

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#40 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
August 30 2012, 03:47PM
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@Wanye

IM SO HAPPY JORDAN BLESS TAMBO JORDAN BLESS LOWE JORDAN BLESS MAC-T JORDAN BLESS PAT QUINN JORDAN BLESS KATZ JORDAN BLESS US EACH AND EVERY ONE
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#41 Dman09
August 30 2012, 03:49PM
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How many UFA years did they get with this contract??????

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So there you have it, two certainties; the Oilers will win a cup in the next 6 years and the world will end in 2019.

CRAZY!!

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#43 Sailge
August 30 2012, 04:02PM
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Absolutely fantastic deal. SQUEEEE x 1000

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#44 Balf82
August 30 2012, 04:02PM
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^

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#45 Archaeologuy
August 30 2012, 04:03PM
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ZOMG!!!

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#46 jonny94
August 30 2012, 04:13PM
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CaptainLander wrote:

Off topic comment but if there is a lockout Hall, Ebs and Nuge should play in OKC, then OKC plays there home game in Edmonton. No NHL no problem. Watching the kids destroy in the AHL would help ease the NHL withdrawal.

I am hoping this is what happens if there is indeed a lockout. I won't care about an NHL lockout if I get to see the kids play in OKC at the end of the day thats what I'm most upset about when I hear NHL lockout so if they air OKC games with those 3 playing I'll be content until the millionaires and billionaires of the NHL come to an agreement.

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#47 Dman09
August 30 2012, 04:17PM
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Dman09 wrote:

Edited by Wanye but only after laughing for a good minute

Whats wrong with saying Dong????

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#48 Kurt
August 30 2012, 04:23PM
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As a Tambo hater, I can't believe I'm doing this. But the Hall and Ebs contracts have surprised me, and he deserves a nice long slow clap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAryFIuRxmQ

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#49 striatic
August 30 2012, 04:26PM
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i'm fine with the money but not with the term.

should have been 99 years.

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#50 freeze
August 30 2012, 04:28PM
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I better see some folks Ghost Riding the whip on Jasper Ave on my way home!!

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