THE TRAGEDY OF THE JORDAN EBERLE CONTRACT

Wanye
August 30 2012 03:40PM

Disappointing news out of Edmonton Oilers HQ broke this afternoon with the announcement that the Oilers extended the contract of Jordan Eberle by a mere six years for a piddling 36 million dollars. This is not only a terrible sum and an awful term, but it also provides a chilling insight into what the future holds for us all.

 In signing Eberle to a six year extension the Oilers have confirmed several facts about the near future:

1. THE WORLD ENDS IN 2019

 

It's clear that the Oilers brass have determined that some sort of extinction level event will occur in the 2019 offseason. The only conceivable reason not to sign 14 past this point is that humanity itself will come to conclusion and contracts past this point will be meaningless.

The Oilers haven't pin pointed the last day on Earth as of yet, but are sure to release more information as it gets closer on the horizon. Personally we don't want to live in a world where the Oilers don't have Jordan Eberle under contract, so this will be as good a time as any to make peace with the Almighty anyway.

It's going to happen. You'll see.

2. NUMBERS WILL STOP AT SIX MILLION

At some point in the next six years, a consortium of scientists, economic types and calculators around the world are going to declare 6 million to be the highest unit of measurement recognized by GAAP and other accepted numbering conventions.

"How much money is Bill Gates worth?" people will ask and the reply will come "oh man he is crazy rich. I've heard as high as six million in the bank."

Same will go in other fields of studies. It will be widely accepted that 6,000,000 people live on Earth. 6 million stars will light up the night sky. The clothing line Billionaire Boys Club will be forced to dial back it's largesse to a more manageable "6 Million Dollar Boys Club"

It's going to happen. You'll see.

3. EBERLE IS THE NEXT CAPTAIN OF THE OIL

It's going to happen. You'll see.

EXPERT ANALYSIS

When this contract expires, the Oilers brass review the books and see all of the millions lying about the offices that could have been given to Jordan Eberle they will realize the magnitude of their mistake and won't see employment in any executive capacity for the remainder of their lives.

May history find some way to rationalize this obviously terrible decision.

#SQUEEEEEE

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Balf
August 30 2012, 04:00PM
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God bless Chris Pronger for demanding a trade out of Edmonton and handing us Jordan Eberle on a platter.

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#2 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
August 30 2012, 03:43PM
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#SQUEEEEE !!!!!!!

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#3 Chaz
August 30 2012, 03:45PM
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That article took way too long to post. Guess Wanye had to let out a 30 minute squee. The Nation forgives you.

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#6 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
August 30 2012, 03:45PM
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Chaz wrote:

That article took way too long to post. Guess Wanye had to let out a 30 minute squee. The Nation forgives you.

i had assumed he shat himself after the first set of squeees and had some bidniz to take care of before getting the article up.

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#7 Brandon
August 30 2012, 03:47PM
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SQUEEEEE!!!!!!

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#8 geoilersgist
August 30 2012, 03:47PM
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#SSSSQQQQUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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#9 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
August 30 2012, 03:47PM
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@Wanye

IM SO HAPPY JORDAN BLESS TAMBO JORDAN BLESS LOWE JORDAN BLESS MAC-T JORDAN BLESS PAT QUINN JORDAN BLESS KATZ JORDAN BLESS US EACH AND EVERY ONE
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#10 Dman09
August 30 2012, 03:49PM
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How many UFA years did they get with this contract??????

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#11 Bicepus Maximus - Huge fan boy!
August 30 2012, 03:49PM
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So there you have it, two certainties; the Oilers will win a cup in the next 6 years and the world will end in 2019.

CRAZY!!

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#12 Chris!
August 30 2012, 03:54PM
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Six million! But I thought 24 was the highest number!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkP_OGDCLY0

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#13 Sailge
August 30 2012, 04:02PM
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Absolutely fantastic deal. SQUEEEE x 1000

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#15 Balf82
August 30 2012, 04:02PM
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^

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#16 AutoOiler
August 30 2012, 04:02PM
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The world will end when Eberle says it will. Not before.

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#17 Archaeologuy
August 30 2012, 04:03PM
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ZOMG!!!

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#18 CaptainLander
August 30 2012, 04:03PM
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Off topic comment but if there is a lockout Hall, Ebs and Nuge should play in OKC, then OKC plays there home game in Edmonton. No NHL no problem. Watching the kids destroy in the AHL would help ease the NHL withdrawal.

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#19 Dman09
August 30 2012, 04:08PM
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Wanye wrote:

I KISS YOU PRONGER BUT NOT YOUR WITCH WIFE

Edited by Wanye but only after laughing for a good minute

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#20 jonny94
August 30 2012, 04:13PM
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CaptainLander wrote:

Off topic comment but if there is a lockout Hall, Ebs and Nuge should play in OKC, then OKC plays there home game in Edmonton. No NHL no problem. Watching the kids destroy in the AHL would help ease the NHL withdrawal.

I am hoping this is what happens if there is indeed a lockout. I won't care about an NHL lockout if I get to see the kids play in OKC at the end of the day thats what I'm most upset about when I hear NHL lockout so if they air OKC games with those 3 playing I'll be content until the millionaires and billionaires of the NHL come to an agreement.

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#21 Dman09
August 30 2012, 04:17PM
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Dman09 wrote:

Edited by Wanye but only after laughing for a good minute

Whats wrong with saying Dong????

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#22 book¡e
August 30 2012, 04:20PM
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PhotoShop Contest = THe future in 2019/20. What will Edmonton Look like? Space aged Rexall 2 dominating a futuristic downtown core with moving sidewalks? Go Go dancers on every corner handing out free chocolate covered chocolates? Soda pop water fountains? Hoverboards? And the Robots, don't forget the Robots!!!!

We can put them all in the OilersNation Art Gallery!

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#23 The Soup Fascist
August 30 2012, 04:20PM
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Damn You, Wanye. I hijacked Willis' / Rex's fine offering on the previous thread, once I heard of Eberle's signing, convinced in your euphoria you would have some lame title. So I took the opportunity to pre-emptively strike with the following cheesy titles:

Possible titles Wanye will use for his obligatory article:

"Heir Jordan"

"EBSceptional Signing"

"The $6 million Dollar Man-child"

or my favorite, "Six Million Degrees of Ebs-salvation"

But being the criminal mastermind you are, a curveball was presented in the form of disappointment with the lack of commitment shown Sir Ebs by the Oilers. Gotta say, I did not see that coming. I doff my "Pilsner crested" chapeau to the warped genius that is Wanye.

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#24 Dan the Man
August 30 2012, 04:22PM
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It's all about the Sir Wilfred Lauriers baby!

Also SQUEEEEEEEEEE!

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#25 Kurt
August 30 2012, 04:23PM
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As a Tambo hater, I can't believe I'm doing this. But the Hall and Ebs contracts have surprised me, and he deserves a nice long slow clap.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAryFIuRxmQ

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#26 striatic
August 30 2012, 04:26PM
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i'm fine with the money but not with the term.

should have been 99 years.

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#27 freeze
August 30 2012, 04:28PM
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I better see some folks Ghost Riding the whip on Jasper Ave on my way home!!

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#28 justDOit
August 30 2012, 04:29PM
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@Wanye

I'll kiss the girl Pronger was also edited after laughing Wait, I'd probably do that anyway...

Let the SQUEEEing commence!

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#29 Ben
August 30 2012, 04:33PM
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Wow Wayne. That is singlehandedly the most Uninformed, off the cuff pile of garbage I've ever read. I didn't see you bashing the Hall contract and it's The same thing just one extra year. How exactly is the top brass preparing for a 2019 Crash? It's a couple contracts to get us on the right track and set a template for a few other guys. An affordable set of contracts with highly skilled players shows two things: 1. Those players are here to win. They have enough Leverage in Edmonton to grind for more money. However they didn't. 2. When those contracts do expire and Edmonton Has a couple cups under its belt, there is still room To move up in salary for the next generation of the Oilers. Besides the cap will most likley be higher by then anyway. These are perfectly timed contracts. Besides who's gonna have the balls to ask for More than Taylor or Jordan???

There is no Peter Pocklington in Edmonton. Therefore I'm pretty sure our players won't be sold Or won't have such little pride to leave a winning team for a million or two.

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#30 Racki
August 30 2012, 04:37PM
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All this time later and I still laugh my butt off at the ghost ride the whip vids...

I'd also like to know what liquor store you robbed that had all their money in $5 bills.

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#31 The Soup Fascist
August 30 2012, 04:42PM
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Ben wrote:

Wow Wayne. That is singlehandedly the most Uninformed, off the cuff pile of garbage I've ever read. I didn't see you bashing the Hall contract and it's The same thing just one extra year. How exactly is the top brass preparing for a 2019 Crash? It's a couple contracts to get us on the right track and set a template for a few other guys. An affordable set of contracts with highly skilled players shows two things: 1. Those players are here to win. They have enough Leverage in Edmonton to grind for more money. However they didn't. 2. When those contracts do expire and Edmonton Has a couple cups under its belt, there is still room To move up in salary for the next generation of the Oilers. Besides the cap will most likley be higher by then anyway. These are perfectly timed contracts. Besides who's gonna have the balls to ask for More than Taylor or Jordan???

There is no Peter Pocklington in Edmonton. Therefore I'm pretty sure our players won't be sold Or won't have such little pride to leave a winning team for a million or two.

Ummm ... word of the day ... "SATIRE"

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#33 WhattaMike
August 30 2012, 04:48PM
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Congrats, congrats, congrats....to the Oilers and Tambo for signing Jordan, for Jordan with signing the contract, and for the fans like me who wanted this type long term deal with Hall and Ebs very much.

Now, two down and seven more long term contracts to go and get signed with Smid, Petry, young Schultz, Nuge and Yakupov, then Paajarvi, and Klefbom.

Wow!!!! yes and this is doable.

Then it becomes up to Dubnyk to either be that top winning goalie or for the Oilers to get one, and..... then add one more top four defenceman fo of the Cups that shall soon arrive. I say within two more to three years the first cup should be here in our city as in the next movie called.....

"Back To The Future - Part four", then part five, then six...lol. Excuse my good mood right now folks but its a happy day.

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#34 book¡e
August 30 2012, 04:59PM
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Ben wrote:

Wow Wayne. That is singlehandedly the most Uninformed, off the cuff pile of garbage I've ever read. I didn't see you bashing the Hall contract and it's The same thing just one extra year. How exactly is the top brass preparing for a 2019 Crash? It's a couple contracts to get us on the right track and set a template for a few other guys. An affordable set of contracts with highly skilled players shows two things: 1. Those players are here to win. They have enough Leverage in Edmonton to grind for more money. However they didn't. 2. When those contracts do expire and Edmonton Has a couple cups under its belt, there is still room To move up in salary for the next generation of the Oilers. Besides the cap will most likley be higher by then anyway. These are perfectly timed contracts. Besides who's gonna have the balls to ask for More than Taylor or Jordan???

There is no Peter Pocklington in Edmonton. Therefore I'm pretty sure our players won't be sold Or won't have such little pride to leave a winning team for a million or two.

I have to disagree, Wanye is correct, there will be a lot of looking back on this day with great sadness when Eberle realizes how much more he could make by being a major league pitcher in 2 or 3 years and decides to go do that instead. Six million is not enough money to really lock Eberle down and to prevent him from looking elsewhere for his riches. Its just risky.

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#35 Wax Man Riley
August 30 2012, 05:06PM
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Ben wrote:

Wow Wayne. That is singlehandedly the most Uninformed, off the cuff pile of garbage I've ever read. I didn't see you bashing the Hall contract and it's The same thing just one extra year. How exactly is the top brass preparing for a 2019 Crash? It's a couple contracts to get us on the right track and set a template for a few other guys. An affordable set of contracts with highly skilled players shows two things: 1. Those players are here to win. They have enough Leverage in Edmonton to grind for more money. However they didn't. 2. When those contracts do expire and Edmonton Has a couple cups under its belt, there is still room To move up in salary for the next generation of the Oilers. Besides the cap will most likley be higher by then anyway. These are perfectly timed contracts. Besides who's gonna have the balls to ask for More than Taylor or Jordan???

There is no Peter Pocklington in Edmonton. Therefore I'm pretty sure our players won't be sold Or won't have such little pride to leave a winning team for a million or two.

Siiiiigggghhhhhhh.... smh

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#36 Wax Man Riley
August 30 2012, 05:07PM
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But....but.... what will happen when Hall and Eberle get fed up with losing and want out after their ELC is up?? There is no way they will sign here with this management group

Oh and .................................................................................................................... SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!

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#37 Ben
August 30 2012, 05:11PM
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@Wanye

Yep y'all sure got yerselves so Purdy sawlid Rebutting there!!

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#38 Ben
August 30 2012, 05:16PM
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Ya know guys......there is usually more than one Outlook for things. Short/spotty comments don't really say much. If you have a REAL rebuttal how about using some Intelligence and writing it down.

Kudos to #34 book¡E for actually writing Something that took some brains.

Wayne, you're a columnist (I'm going to use the term loosely) Pretty lame remark for a guy who's supposed to know His stuff wouldn't ya say?

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#39 Hammers
August 30 2012, 05:21PM
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Great news today but that still leaves Smid & Magnus . Tougher decisions but they need to be looked at now .

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#40 Reality Check to the head
August 30 2012, 05:32PM
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@ Ben (This Guy)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The boat left a long time ago!

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#42 Quicksilver ballet
August 30 2012, 05:37PM
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These new shoes (deal)look better on Jordan Eberle than they did on Taylor Hall last week. Best signing this summer.

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#43 justDOit
August 30 2012, 05:37PM
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@Wayne:

And he speaks of the Ebersquee of love.

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#44 Professor Q
August 30 2012, 05:49PM
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Nice! Great success getting #2 signed.

Anyone know if that 4 Way Fruit Ale is available in Ontario?

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#46 Orphan
August 30 2012, 06:04PM
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@Ben

There's some good pot up in Alberta huh?

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#47 The Soup Fascist
August 30 2012, 06:06PM
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Wanye wrote:

I LOVE THIS GUY! KEEP TALKING SEXY TO ME AND I AM GOING TO BUY YOU A BOTTLE OF WINE FOR THE LONG WEEKEND.

Oh and I wouldn't describe me as a columnist. I'm a space cowboy PEW PEW PEW

Maurice?? Is that really you?

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#48 Orphan
August 30 2012, 06:12PM
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I like the deal, athough like most I expect a drop in his stats. Ebs, Hall, RNH, and Nail are the best budding offensive unit in all of the NHL.

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#49 PeOiler
August 30 2012, 06:12PM
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The Soup Fascist wrote:

Maurice?? Is that really you?

Must be, people keep talkin' bout him....

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#50 The Soup Fascist
August 30 2012, 06:14PM
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PeOiler wrote:

Must be, people keep talkin' bout him....

Well played, well played.

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