2013 GOAT AND STAR SELECTIONING
Wanye
January 18 2013 02:09AM
Have we really been picking Goats and Stars on the Nation for 4 years now? Oh how time passes on the bottom of the NHL ocean floor. Not a lot of light gets down here, every day sorta looks the alike after awhile. But they say that every dog gets his day and 2013 will surely be the year that the Mighty Oil rise up from the depths of the ocean floor and stake their victorious claim of some point between the deep and the light topside.
We aren't asking for all that much Gods of Hockey. Just a return to respectability. Respectability on the way to Dominance. Dominance on the way to showing No Mercy.
Ahem.
As we watch the Oil begin their ascent we will be sure to point out the people steering the sub.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Let 2009 Edition Wanye break it down for you:
Picking a Star – and later a goat – for the season has been a long standing tradition with our crew of pirates. For the duration of the season if your Star does something mad decent – lights the lamp at a key point in a game for instance – you get to bask in the glow of the Star as he is “your guy.” Should your Star go stone cold – or get traded as was the case last year when we picked Erik Cole – you are forced to sit quietly in the corner, speaking only when spoken to as you wait for the regular season to end.
Picking a star is a tricky business that requires a great deal of thinking. Anyone can pick Ales Hemsky and be reasonably assured that they will look quasi intelligent throughout the whole season. But be like our buddy Lee in the 2006 Season who famously picked Fernando Pisani as his playoff Star – and your genius will be praised from the highest tower for years to come.
We have basically the worst luck picking stars. Not only did we pick Cole last year, we also picked Ryan Smyth the year he was traded, Chris Pronger the year he left town due to family reasons and Eric Fichaud so many years back on the hunch “he could make it as a starter in the NHL.” On that note of taking needless risks, we have deliberated the options before us, crushed a few dozen BLs over the weekend, and decided on our Star this year.
Ah 2009 Wanye. You were such a simpleton back then. Didn't know what a Nuge is, had no particular affinity for HC Neftekhimik Nizhnekamsk alumni and thought 14 in an Oilers Jersey vaguely thought had something to do with MacTavish. You poor silly ignorant bastard.
But you do make a fine job of explaining why you need to name Goats and Stars. In both cases you need to have "your guy" its a multi year moral imperative. So please leave both your selections below, or update your Nation Profiles if you feel so inclined. And with your actions you take us one step closer to game time.
2013 STAR
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Hmmm. This doesn't seem to take very long to decide. Ever hear of someone by the name of KING BLOODY JORDAN BLOODY EBERLE OF BLEEDING BLOODY VICTORYLAND? THE KID IS A GENIUS WITH THE PUCK, A SUBLIME DISHER, CLUTCH CLUTCH CLUTCH AND HAS SET MANY THE LOIN OF AN EDMONTON WOMAN AFLAME IN HIS REIGN BY THUNDER.
Ahem.
Yeah Jordan Eberle will have to do for our 2013 selection. And every other year until the end of all recorded time after that too if you could mark it down. Coming off a season where he scored 32 goals and added 42 assists the 16th best scorer in the ENTIRE NHL is only looking to improve this season. Another year older and stronger - Eberle has been busy building on his already impressive resume leading the AHL in scoring prior to the lockout mercifully ending.
We predict Eberle will have a season of 35 goals and 40 assists. He may not be able to sustain his eye shattering 99.3% shooting percentage for the entire season as so many have already noted. However with a pile of souped up powerplay time with the return of Whitney and the addition of Schultz - 2013 will see 14 deliver the goods in the lockout shortened season. And he will do a great many other things too this year. Awesome things.
Believe that.
PREVIOUS STARS
2007: Shawn Horcoff
2006: Ryan Smyth
2005: Chris Pronger
Some earlier point: Eric Fichaud
Some even earlier point: Dr. Randy Gregg
GOAT HISTORY
"Well ok," perhaps you are thinking to yourself "I can dimly follow this guys point about publicly naming your favourite Oiler. That makes sense assuming you are a superfan or an 8 year old kid. But why would I want to hate on an Oiler and name him my goat?"
Again why not listen to a voice from the distant past explain the deets. 2010 Wanye what you got to say?
Goat selection evolved a few years back when we had a buddy that would randomly pick an Oiler each game and rag on him mercilessly. “That dang (insert player here.) He is the worst player on the ice. (Insert GM here) should be embarrassed that he picked such a terrible player.”
(Early 2000 bandwagon jumping buddies would hate) on every random player that draws their ire, loving them the very next minute - all in the name of being an "fan." The boys didn't think that it was sporting to cuss each and every Oiler only to shower them with praise on the next play and several half drunken arguments broke out over the span of a couple seasons to drive home the point.
Instead of playing our band wagon jumping friend on waivers, we all concocted the Goat. The Goat is intended to be the cause of all the team’s problems for the entire season. Goal just went in? Damn the Goat to hell. He wasn’t on the ice? Damn his stupid manner in which he sits on the bench.
The first year of two that we picked Grebeshkov to be our Goat was easily the best picking of our storied Goat picking career. Not only was Grebs brutal, but the team was too. We blamed him for most everything most nights and it allowed us to vent all Oilers related anger his way.
On a team that we hope finishes no higher than 30th place this year, picking the Goat is going to be key to maintaining your sanity.
Not nearly as dire this year thankfully. Flames fans may want to take some notes on sanity saving techniques with the season you are staring down this year.
2013 GOAT
This was actually quite a difficult bit of business. We don't think that the name of the game this season will be "try and figure out ways to keep self entertained whilst the Oilers skitter about like baby fawns on a frozen pond." A lot of the really goatworthy players are gone, traded, cut or bottled up and shipped to Anaheim via the AHL and Dallas.
*cough*
No instead this season should be pretty sweet. The Oilers are young and in game shape against dusty old squads of players just waiting for a groin to get pulled*
We thought about Dubnyk but it isn't good sport to cheer against your starting goalie all year. No, we need him to be good. We ground our teeth while thinking about Horcoff collecting 12 billion dollars this season but we have far too much respect for the Captaincy of the Oilers to name him Goat. If you are in a trench and don't like your squad commander too bad. You respect the chain of command.
But last we checked Theo Peckham still remains the property of the Oilers. We can't figure Peckham out. A team that is willing to do anything to have young players fill spots meets a player that has looked like he had turned the corner into bonafide NHL toughian several different times. And yet there is no match?
How have we come to this Peckham?
You need to fight your way back into the lineup. And so far you aren't even close.
GOAT.
PREVIOUS GOATS
2008: Dennis Grebeshkov
2007: Some guy
2005: Some other jerk
Some earlier point: Andrei Kovalenko
Some even earlier point: Jimmy Carson
*Thats what she said
star: Eberle
goat: DSF
Alright! I've been waiting for this.
Star: Taylor Motherf*ckin' Hall. I think he is going to have a hell of a year and if we make the playoffs, Taylor is going to thrust his manhood into the face of the opposition.
Honorable mentions: Fistric, Smid, J. Schultz, Krueger.
Goat: Patrick O'Sullivan. I thought about maybe switching it up this year. But I decided why break a good streak and go with Patty O'Sh*tbag for the fourth year in a row. When you suck that bad, and care that little, you're stuck on my goat list until the pain you caused leaves my soul untarnished.
Honorable mentions: Horcoff, Potter.
EBERLE HURRAH!
Maybe I spoke too soon about Puritania winning the internet. Well played good sir.
Anybody else suddenly reminded of how awesome Wanye's articles are when he fires up the MS Paint?
Goat: Eberle because UNSUSTAINABLE!!!!!!
Star: Hemsky because sexy, silky-smooth Dangles!
Star: Ladi Smid Goat: Mark Fistric
This is the year I buy a Smid sweater.
This is also the year that we curse Fistric for taking a spot from Peckham. You'll see. He's that bad.
Your goat selection wins the internet.
I don't see any reason to update my star/goat:
Star: SMID. No question.
The guy's a force. He hits and block shots with the best of them. He's defensively reliable. He's hilarious. He's always sharing that glorious toothless smile with the children of the world. And, most importantly for a Star, when he scores it's an earth shattering revelation of joy:
http://video.oilers.nhl.com/videocenter/console?event=T.B1005&hlg=20112012,2,1104&lang=en
Just look at that sniper. He's unstoppable:
http://video.oilers.nhl.com/videocenter/console?hlg=20112012,2,328&event=COL61
And the story of Smid is just as inspiring. Here's a guy that comes over for Pronger... the best D any Oiler has seen in a generation by miles. Smid is immediately thrown to the wolves and is crushed relentlessly by NHL-ready players... coming from ignoble birth (via Pronger) only makes the situation more hopeless.
And yet, he wins our hearts and wins a top 4 roster spot with his hard work and sense of levity.
I love this guy.
Goat: Cory Cross. I blame him for everything.
Star - Hall
Goat - Anyone who calls Gagner 'Gagne'
Star - Justin Shultz - Nominated for Calder but loses to Nail Yakupov.
Goat - Khabibulin - He'll get 15 soft starts agains the likes of Columbus, Calgary, Anaheim and some other poor downtrodden teams. He'll come out with a poor record of 4-8-3 taking 11/30 points. Of course, we'll miss the playoffs by like 1 point this year, because of him. He's my goat!
Oh yeah... Omark already because he's putting up shitloads of points elsewhere and could not find his ass in the dark with two hands when he was with the big team. Plus he's too damn proud to do what needed to be done!
Star: Taylor "drive the crossbar with my forehead" Hall
Goat: Corey Potter. I don't think his second half struggles last year were only because of injury.
Since you already have captain clutch i guess I'll have to bet on 90% of Yak City learning russian by june. The kid will absolutely kill it. Calder Curse? No more. Хеммер хиты ногтей, снова и снова. Миллиард очков в локаута сезоне. Овечкин кто?
Belanger causes offense to evaporate. Everytime his shift overlaps with the kids', he decreases their career total by two points. Belanger will attempt to keep us in the basement all season.
Last year my Goat was so goaty that through sheer will of mind, and incessant internet thrashing, I had him shipped to some B league in Europe where he sits today wondering if the Oilers or any other NHL team has even HEARD of YouTube.
Omark, I will miss your poor defensive zone work, your inability to grasp what a system looks like, and the goal you would score every 10th game.
This year my Goat will be Old Alligator Arms himself, Shawn Horcoff.
My Star will be Sam Gagner. Samwise the Young is one heck of a hockey player, despite not being at the level of the big 5. He's intensely under rated because he hasnt had marked improvement points wise, but he's also had about 9 different coaches over the 6 years he's played in the NHL and this is the 1st year in many that he isnt starting the season playing LW on the 3rd line because the Coach was too polite to acknowledge that Horcoff couldnt play in the top 6 anymore.
Star: The NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGE
Goat: Ryan Jones - He doesnt fight anymore and his "scoring" is in decline
Thats is all.
GO OILERS!!!!!! Glug Glug Glug..... man Bud Light is so tasty!!!!
Star: Gagner. It is his turn to step up. Playing with 2 solid linemates is going to make all the difference in the world. 8 point nights are a thing of the past... 9 point nights are the future! GAGS FOR PREZ!
Goat: The ice surface. With the excitement of the fans building each game, and the warmth in the groins of cougars, MILFS and Wayne radiating throughout their body whenever Eberle or the Nuuuuuge has the puck, the temperature inside Rexall Place will be high and the quality of the ice will be LOW. Bouncing pucks will be the norm.
OH MY SWEET BABY NUGE IT IS ON DAKIN I AM ACTUALLY YELLING
Star: Justin Schultz will dazzle his way into Calder brilliance.
Goat: Ice Cold Beer guy at Rexall is trying out "Luke Warm Beer" this year. Also, probably Peckham
Star: Gagner - because... 8 POINT NIGHT B!TCHES!!! Also, he's starting the season with decent linemates for a change. Sam is my dark horse for 2013. A few months from now we'll be saying "Where did this guy Gagner come from and why haven't I heard of him before now???"
Goat: Eager - because he's a human GA
Star: Horcoff. The old man does all the work, the kids get all the credit. I can relate to this.
Goat: Everyone responsible for the lockout.
Peckham? Too easy. I'll go with Dubnyk as my goat selection even though I pray I'm wrong. Star will be none other than *drum roll*.....Sam Gagner.
Star: Hemsky, Is going to smash soft minutes with the Gag and Yak - injur bugs will stay at bay this year
Goat - Whitney: 2 left feet, injury prone, YUK - By the end of the season everyone will be saying "what a helen hunt!"
Additional Awards
Most Likely to be a serial Killer - Petrell (easy)
Most likely to eat you: Another easy one, Teddy Bear
Most Likely to suffer a "Tambo Moment"... Tambo
Star is Gagner for sure, he will show all the detractors what he is made of. He probably wont have the most points on the team but it will be cause of him in his second line center position that the Oilers will rise from the basement.
Goat is hmm.... wait a minute... let me look at my list again *whispers* Khabi, Peckham, Petrell, Potter... these are all fringe players in my mind, if they play bad they can hopefully be replaced so they do not effect the team. So I have to choose someone that is a regular and by their crappy play they effect the entire team. Candidates are Belanger, Dubnyk... going back to my list again... I guess the rest of the defensive core could be a goat and I think that Belanger will have a bounce back year and I think that Dubnyk will rise to the challenge of being counted on for 35 to 40 starts. There for my goat selection is Nick Shultz... no wait a minute let me check my list again, there has to be something I missed. It has to be someone younger and Nick Shultz should be able to handle the shorted season and the Fire Wagon hockey the Oilers will put out there. So my final decision for goat is going to go to Petry. I think he will regress a little in the maturity department.
My star pick for this year is Lil Nuge. Another year older and stronger expect big things from Nuge.
The easy goat pick is Belanger. Hopefully his powers of sucking are not strong enough to recreate the Belanger triangle this year.
I also bet a flames fan that the Oilers will not lose more than 12 games this season. Too much Kool-aid for me ?
STAR: Ladi Smid, the unsung shut-down D-man. Every team needs at least one, and they don't get any credit.
GOAT: Eric Belanger. Here's to hoping the "Belanger Triangle" that caused all offensive players in his vicinity to disappear from the scoresheet takes a page out of its own book and doesn't show.
Star :: Hall Goat :: Smyth Winner, Winner :: Chicken Dinner
Star: Petry: continues progression
Goat: Eager: continues regression
Star: Hall
Goat: Tambellini
I have to say that I totally agree with your picks, Wanye.
Star: Eberle. Goat: Wanye - Eberle scored 34 goals last year, not 32!
Star: Yak, shiny new toy
Goat: Belanger... As soon as he said in the offseason he wants to play in Montreal he became the goat.
Star: He who is called Eberle. Top-10 in scoring this year.
Goat: Eager. Who knows where his head is at after his legal issues? Too many dumb penalties will lead to a demotion to the pressbox in favour of Hordichuk.
Star: Gagner Goat: Belanger
Star: RNH Goat: Corey Potter
STAR: Taylor "the beast" Hall
GOAT: Belanger "Triangle"
Star: Taylor Hall. The warrior and stallion will lead the team goals and be the heart that gets them into the playoffs.
Goat: Eric Belanger. I so wish he would have a bounce back season, but I don't see it, given who he'll be playing with.
Excellent.
*releases TB family members held hostage*
We'll have to convince the concessions manager to offer a 'cougar drink special', replete with testosterone shots to cool them cougar's nether regions.
As for Wayne, I believe there is no cure for the heat produced by such a molten 'bro-mance'.
WINNER!
Duly noted. However, you are urged to curtail some of the heat generated by said bro-mance(s), for the good of the team. Bring three ice packs to each game, and use one per period as a seat cushion.
Epic, EPIC avatar there bud.
Star: Ales Hemsky
I grit my teeth every time people suggest trading this guy just as he gets healthy. He won't be up against the other teams top defenders every game for the first time in a decade, and that will be so sweet to watch.
Goat: Corey Potter
When Tambellini opened his mouth to put this dud in the lineup before training camp had a chance to weed him out naturally, I knew he was going to suck it up bad this year. What's the worst is that he will stay in the lineup because Tambellini believes in him. Just like Khabibulin. Gag, retch, snort, breathe.
Eberle is my STAR!
Goat is much harder this year. There is no obvious choice. Hordichuk only because I think Gagner will have a better year with a healthy Hemsky and the phenome who is Yakupov.
Star: B.EAGER
Goat: S.HORCOFF
*tips hat*
Star: Edmonton Oilers Goat: Calgary Flames
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Heh.
Real Star: Dubey. Make me proud, home slice! Real Goat: Calgary Flames
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Heh.
Actual Goat: Jarome Iginla.
Star : Eberle
Goat: Ryan Whitney
Watched him play live last year.Enough said.
Star: Nick Schultz. This guy will have to clean up J Schultz's mess, and will be OCD about it.
Goat: Ben Eager. Oilers need to cut down the stupid penalties, and I'm not sure that is possible with this one.
I'm going off the board a bit in this one.
Star: Justin Schultz(Seriously, he's one of the few Oiler D that can move the puck in a direction other than backwards)
Goat: Ryan Jones(I don't think Krueger was a big fan last year)
Honorable mention goat: Eager (He'll get very little rope if he starts coasting)
Star: Lines One and Two
Goat: MAB. Never forget 2006.