FGD: Suck It

Justin Azevedo
November 16 2013 03:30PM

Oilers Flames Hockey

Via halifaxdrunk

Originally, this was going to be a sob piece.

Man, was it ever going to be beautiful. Our cities' respective teams are both, in a word, repugnant. Flawed management persists, coaches play favourites, people still buy tickets and no one wins. There's so many reasons why fans of these two teams are alike.

But then I thought that wallowing in sadness wasn't really in the spirit of the Battle of Alberta.

So then I thought I would write about the juxtaposition of the Oilers (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) against the Flames, (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team than they have, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) because the two teams are obviously so different. But that was a garbage idea too.

So, let's be honest here - in terms of the hockey game out there tonight, there's not really much to care about because both of these teams suck for so many reasons. Thus, that concludes your game preview.

 

Haha, man, you really did think that was the end, didn't you? Wouldn't be surprised. You are from Edmonton. Hell, I'm surprised you've even made it this far without slumping over and drooling on your keyboard.

 

I came to the conclusion that what I really should be writing about is how f***ing bad Edmonton is.

  • Every single one of your sports teams is garbage. They've all fallen, and they can't get up.
  • Seriously, what the f*ck is "#GOilers"? Goilers sounds like a mutated version of herpes.
  • H and E are really all that's left and E bleeds shot attempts. How awesome is that contract going to look in like, oh, 8 months ago?

Clean Hit

  • What in the blue f*ck is this stupid "squeeee" bullsh*t? "I'm going to make the most annoying noise possible when my favourite overrated player does anything remotely positive because LOL!" Good thing Eberle doesn't do much good often. 

GAZE UPON YOUR GOD, WHO HAS FORSAKEN YOU

  • God Edmonton media is just the worst, too. "Let's run every talented player who doesn't speak english out of town! GRIT! TOUGHNESS! GAZDICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC"

"Oh Yeah He Totally Won That One"

  • I had to drive through Edmonton on my way to Bonnyville this summer. Even passing through the city was terrible. The roads look like the pockmarked face of a 70 year old pack-a-day smoker. Even the "engineering wonder" that is the Anthony Henday is terrible in comparison to Calgary's ring road. Ours is going to be done when yours is even though it's longer (25 kms) and it started like a decade later.
  • I guess living within explosion distance of refineries makes up for the 2 cent difference in gas.
  • Does anyone really even give a sh*t about West Edmonton Mall anymore? All it is is monolithic, ugly and out-of-date.
  • Haha the downtown arena man that's a horrible idea huge waste of money
  • Oh that's still going forward okay then lol
  • Also looks like sperm

This was actually on the city's website. Seriously.

  • Can a city really be called a city of champions if no one ever wins anything?
  • Why are there hundreds of jacked up trucks that are always sparkling clean?
  • 2011's Homicide Capital of Canada!

Edmonton Sun, Jan. 1, 2012

  • Capital Ex (or Klondike days or whatever it's called) is basically the ginger who writes "butts" as an answer on his test compared to the A+ student that is the Calgary Stampede.
  • http://walkingdeadmonton.tumblr.com
  • We even hate Toronto, Vancouver and Montréal better than you do!

In summary,

Love, Justin

A9d138d0e612f28cd46f9b7057ed715d
Justin is a 23-year-old Flames fan who also happens to be pursuing a double major at the University of Calgary. He has played hockey at high levels, enjoys wearing shorts and tends to drink far too much Grasshopper. Please don't hate him.
Avatar
#1 mackb
November 16 2013, 03:31PM
Trash it!
16
trashes
Cheers
63
cheers

Last. Oh, I mean first. Just so used to being last...

[edit] I'm guessing Calgary's writing pool must be as bad as both our hockey teams. This is the worst GDB I've ever seen. Not informative, not very clever, humor is vacant, much less lacking. I kind of feel sorry for the Flames Nation readers if this is the quality they get.[/edit]

Avatar
#2 -30-
November 16 2013, 03:33PM
Trash it!
6
trashes
Cheers
97
cheers

This blogger is as bad as our respective hockey teams. Nuff said.

Avatar
#3 Lowetide
November 16 2013, 03:36PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
64
cheers

Can someone tweet this to the Hockey Gods?

Avatar
#4 Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead
November 16 2013, 03:40PM
Trash it!
36
trashes
Cheers
69
cheers

WHATS THAT CALGARY WE CANT HEAR YOU OVER OUR 5 STANLEY CUPS!!! SQUUEEEEEEEE!

Avatar
#5 David S
November 16 2013, 03:42PM
Trash it!
15
trashes
Cheers
33
cheers

U of C

Bonnyville

Grasshopper

Probably "that guy" you see at the bar wearing shorts and flip flops in November.

Being a fLames fan is the least of your problems.

BAH-HAHAHAHA!!!! SUCK IT FLAMER!!!! Oilers 5-3 in a sloppy pond hockey affair. Juuuust the way we like it.

Avatar
#6 MessyEH!
November 16 2013, 03:44PM
Trash it!
3
trashes
Cheers
59
cheers

"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

That about sums it up. How the hell did they get Rob Ford to write this steaming pile of dog poop.

Avatar
#7 Kevin
November 16 2013, 03:44PM
Trash it!
14
trashes
Cheers
0
cheers

Whyowhydidweletomarrago- bestoilerever

Avatar
#8 Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead
November 16 2013, 03:44PM
Trash it!
13
trashes
Cheers
9
cheers

WE KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT WINNING YOU GODDAMM DIRTY LAZY OIL DRINKIN CORONA STRAW HAT TIPPIN DUMMIES!

Avatar
#9 Mac962
November 16 2013, 03:47PM
Trash it!
26
trashes
Cheers
23
cheers

Now - our hockey teams- We suck the big one, so do you , but the expectations on us are much higher, People expect Edmonton to be elite. Calgary ? not so much - mediocrity as always as everything Calgary is. We don't want to be Toronto or Vancouver , but you do and it pains you that you can't be, Losers.

Toss the sticks in the middle of the ice and make two teams and see what happens, has to be more entertaining than what we are about to see.

I crave so much for Alberta to be Death Valley again for teams coming through. Of course with Calgary sucking our taint as always.

Smid ? Keep your head up you piece of crap. You fit right in now.

XOXOXOXOX

Avatar
#10 EVILTED
November 16 2013, 03:50PM
Trash it!
16
trashes
Cheers
25
cheers

The Edmonton Oilers make Rob Ford look cool and collected.

Avatar
#11 Jim
November 16 2013, 03:51PM
Trash it!
9
trashes
Cheers
8
cheers

I can't wait for the head of customer service to give Oilers fans a new speech.

The last one was really good MacT.

Avatar
#12 EricOG
November 16 2013, 03:52PM
Trash it!
6
trashes
Cheers
21
cheers

He got one thing right, the Lames suck hind banana.

One more thing; Fire Lowe!!!!!

Avatar
#13 Clay
November 16 2013, 03:53PM
Trash it!
18
trashes
Cheers
7
cheers

This is epic

Avatar
#14 Fresh Mess
November 16 2013, 03:54PM
Trash it!
4
trashes
Cheers
57
cheers

I was really looking forward to joining a pile on of mocking Oiler incompetence. This entry was so completely void of cleverness, I was disappointed. I do agree with condemning the "squeeee" stupidity though.

I just noticed it was written by a kid. That explains it.

Avatar
#15 Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead
November 16 2013, 03:55PM
Trash it!
12
trashes
Cheers
20
cheers

CURRENTLY THE CALGARY FLAMES MOST PROMISING PROSPECT IS A BOX OF SEA MONKEYS

Avatar
#16 PapaMike
November 16 2013, 03:56PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
27
cheers

living within explosion distance of refineries makes up for the 2 cent difference in gas

That made me laugh out loud.

So, let's be honest here - in terms of the hockey game out there tonight, there's not really much to care about because both of these teams suck for so many reasons.

THIS!!!!

Avatar
#17 Dog Train
November 16 2013, 03:56PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
11
cheers

I forgot about this nonsense. So there is something on the line tonight.

Please Oilers, if you're going to show up then do it tonight.

Avatar
#18 BraveNugeWorld
November 16 2013, 03:56PM
Trash it!
3
trashes
Cheers
24
cheers

I would love to see MacT and Feaster announce before this game that they swapped 2014 first round picks, straight up. It would get rid of any notion of tanking for the rest of the season, and make the BoA more entertaining and meaningful.

Avatar
#19 GSP
November 16 2013, 03:57PM
Trash it!
9
trashes
Cheers
24
cheers

Il aurait été agréable à regarder ce match ce soir, mais j'ai un combat. J'ai toujours plaisir à regarder la bataille de l'Alberta. Oilers d'Edmonton vont gagner 6-1. Mon homme David Perron avec le tour du chapeau. Baise Calgary.

Avatar
#20 Joel
November 16 2013, 03:57PM
Trash it!
5
trashes
Cheers
14
cheers

Upper management for the Oilers actually get paid a salary.

Imagine you had a record like the Oilers since the 2005 lockout.

Ha Ha Ha

Avatar
#21 Admiralmark
November 16 2013, 03:57PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
19
cheers

Oh yah?! Well we got Kevin Lowe! So there... Ha ha haaaaaaaarghh (*runs away spastically flaily his arms and launches himself off a rocky cliff*)

Avatar
#22 Admiralmark
November 16 2013, 03:59PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
7
cheers
Dog Train wrote:

I forgot about this nonsense. So there is something on the line tonight.

Please Oilers, if you're going to show up then do it tonight.

Yes then we could rename it the Battle of the Bottom of the Barrel

Avatar
#23 Jim
November 16 2013, 04:00PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
30
cheers

Imagine if Kevin Lowe was fired and had to go look for a job in the NHL.

What skills do you have ? I know winning

What is your record with the Oilers? and not when you were a player

Avatar
#24 gotommygo
November 16 2013, 04:01PM
Trash it!
15
trashes
Cheers
10
cheers

Classic. Nicely done, JA.

Avatar
#25 Batfink
November 16 2013, 04:05PM
Trash it!
7
trashes
Cheers
6
cheers

Please sir, can I have our Smid back? A spirited article, well put and correct on many points. However:

2) GFYs

3) >4) Eat poop.

Other than that, I hope for a good tilt tonight may the best team win and all that BS.

Smell ya later.

Avatar
#26 I Remember the Orange Jerseys
November 16 2013, 04:05PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
54
cheers

Clash of the Titan(ic)s.

Avatar
#27 Oilcruzer
November 16 2013, 04:07PM
Trash it!
16
trashes
Cheers
6
cheers

Well written blog.

Doesn't change that both teams suck and one has an ability to do something about it, if they choose to.

Avatar
#28 **
November 16 2013, 04:08PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
17
cheers

Someone forgot their medication. *calls Justin's mom*

Avatar
#29 Woodchopper's Ball
November 16 2013, 04:10PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
20
cheers
Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead wrote:

CURRENTLY THE CALGARY FLAMES MOST PROMISING PROSPECT IS A BOX OF SEA MONKEYS

You probably want to get rid of the sea monkeys, Calgary. We've tried it in Edmonton, doesn't work.

Avatar
#30 Jeffff
November 16 2013, 04:10PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
63
cheers

Kevin Lowe : I know winning

Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Avatar
#31 **
November 16 2013, 04:12PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
5
cheers

Oilers and Flames should battle it Old School:

Pick the best fighter on each team, have at it, and whoever is left standing his team wins.

It would be more entertaining and it would allow me to go about my day without wasting that much time watching three hours of NHL hockey bloopers.

Avatar
#32 Zamboni Driver
November 16 2013, 04:12PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
14
cheers

The worst part about tonight.

Game is on national TV. The whole country will get to see whatever in the hell it is the Flames and Oilers collectively play.

0-0 tie....20 rounds of slam dunk contest. Won, of course, by Gazdic.

Avatar
#33 Johnnydapunk
November 16 2013, 04:13PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
17
cheers

Man I miss Battle of Alberta's that had proper hate and meant something...

Flames Oil full line brawl

Avatar
#34 Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead
November 16 2013, 04:14PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
22
cheers

on an unrelated note, the above picture of Ebs really infuriates me, and solidifies my opinion that he is the most expendable of the young core.

Avatar
#35 **
November 16 2013, 04:14PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
9
cheers
Zamboni Driver wrote:

The worst part about tonight.

Game is on national TV. The whole country will get to see whatever in the hell it is the Flames and Oilers collectively play.

0-0 tie....20 rounds of slam dunk contest. Won, of course, by Gazdic.

Just for Laughs. NHL edition.

Avatar
#36 Zamboni Driver
November 16 2013, 04:14PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
3
cheers

@Oilcruzer

Okay I'm an Oilers fan too.

But if you are suggesting that the 'braintrust' (used loosely) is CHOOSING NOT TO DO ANYTHING about the mess they've created.

As in....they're doing this on purpose??!!

Well if that's so, it's a helluva worse than any of us ever imagined.

Avatar
#37 YFC Prez
November 16 2013, 04:17PM
Trash it!
5
trashes
Cheers
20
cheers

Excellent GDB there Justin. Probably the best one yet to come out of Calgary. Wanye was slaughtering you folks. About time for a good rebuttal. But that's the way it usually is isn't it. Everything you guys have ever done we have done first and better up north.

We're even better and sucking than you dirty flames.

Eat sh@t flames!!!

Ps. I'm actually just a little bit more excited for this game tonight after reading this.

Avatar
#38 **
November 16 2013, 04:18PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Cheers
3
cheers
Zamboni Driver wrote:

Okay I'm an Oilers fan too.

But if you are suggesting that the 'braintrust' (used loosely) is CHOOSING NOT TO DO ANYTHING about the mess they've created.

As in....they're doing this on purpose??!!

Well if that's so, it's a helluva worse than any of us ever imagined.

Doing this on purpose would signal traces of intelligent life at the Oilers office down at kingsway. Latest readings suggest it's a radioactive site populated by leeches whose resistance to any amount of common sense has made it impossible so far for anyone to remove them.

Avatar
#39 Coco crisp
November 16 2013, 04:19PM
Trash it!
4
trashes
Cheers
23
cheers

This was an incredibly poor mans wanye game day blog. Stay in your lane son.

Avatar
#40 Christian Roatis
November 16 2013, 04:21PM
Trash it!
7
trashes
Cheers
19
cheers

EDIT: Initial reference to flood removed

Avatar
#42 Bill
November 16 2013, 04:27PM
Trash it!
6
trashes
Cheers
18
cheers

This....piece was written by a 22 year old dillweed Cowtowner who apparently drank a bit too much fecal matter in his tap water after the flooding this summer.

'YEEHAW' is the only thing I have to say about Calgary, it tells everyone all they need to know....

Avatar
#43 vetinari
November 16 2013, 04:28PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
19
cheers

Cutting edge wit? New insight into struggling franchises? Humorous observations? This article had NONE of that...

Hopefully Justin's mom will let him stay up past his 9:00 pm bedtime to watch the game, otherwise, she'll just have to tell him what happened after she makes him breakfast tomorrow morning.

Even being in last place with a management team that sucks and 80% of our roster full of AHL players, we're still happy to not be the Flames!

Tonight's game is win-win for Oilers fans-- either we get two points or we get closer to another first overall draft pick and a clean sweep of our management team.

Go Oilers! Or not... I don't care much anymore...

Avatar
#44 O REALLY NOW
November 16 2013, 04:29PM
Trash it!
14
trashes
Cheers
5
cheers
Mac962 wrote:

Now - our hockey teams- We suck the big one, so do you , but the expectations on us are much higher, People expect Edmonton to be elite. Calgary ? not so much - mediocrity as always as everything Calgary is. We don't want to be Toronto or Vancouver , but you do and it pains you that you can't be, Losers.

Toss the sticks in the middle of the ice and make two teams and see what happens, has to be more entertaining than what we are about to see.

I crave so much for Alberta to be Death Valley again for teams coming through. Of course with Calgary sucking our taint as always.

Smid ? Keep your head up you piece of crap. You fit right in now.

XOXOXOXOX

Go Flames go.

Avatar
#45 Cynic
November 16 2013, 04:31PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
8
cheers

As a guy who has lived in both cities and hates both teams equally, I enjoyed this. One thing about the ring roads, however. Edmonton's is a little more of a goat track right now thanks to all the Sh Park -related construction, but at least it's nearly a full circle. Calgary's is nice and all, but it's more of a horseshoe. Like many of Calgary's freeways, it's incomplete and thanks to indian reservations, not likely to ever be finished. You'd know that if you weren't stuck on "bus pass" - you know, that one that gets you from mom's house to grad school at Alberta's (to be charitable) second-best university. Other than that, I agreed with almost every word you wrote.

Avatar
#46 **
November 16 2013, 04:31PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
6
cheers
Justin Azevedo wrote:

man i'm getting #Pwned

got your meds yet son?

Avatar
#47 Zarny
November 16 2013, 04:31PM
Trash it!
13
trashes
Cheers
31
cheers

#FAIL

I live in Calgary. It isn't that great.

And at least the Oilers have Hall, Nuge, Eberle, Yakupov and Schultz.

The Flames have Monahan. They don't even have the hope their G might be good enough.

Lowe chased the dream after 2006 but at least it was for only 3 years.

The Flames deluded themselves for almost a decade that if they could just squeak into the playoffs Iggy and Kipper could carry them to another shot at the Cup.

If you thought the Oilers rebuild has taken a long time buckle up for what's coming Calgary's way.

Avatar
#48 Ryan Pike
November 16 2013, 04:34PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
Cheers
6
cheers

Sounding like Berra and Dubnyk get the starts. Smith and Bouma back in for Calgary in place of O'Brien and Jackman.

Avatar
#49 dougtheslug
November 16 2013, 04:34PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
101
cheers

Here's what's really tragic.

This province is the hockey capital of the world. We produce hockey players like Vancouver produces street arsonists and Toronto produces ludicrous mayors. Do you realize that there are more than twice as many Alberta born players in the NHL than there are Russian born players? And Russia has 100 times the population, and twice as much snow.

Alberta has produced Hart, Norris, and Vezina trophy winners. Alberta born players captain three NHL teams. The next big thing in hockey, 15 year old Tyler Benson, is from Alberta. He shattered the Alberta Bantam scoring record last year. The record he broke belonged to Joffrey Lupul. And whose record did Lupul break? Jerome Inginla's. This province breeds excellence in hockey.

In the 1980's our professional teams reflected that. For eight (that is EIGHT!) straight years an Alberta team was in the Stanley Cup final, winning 6 times. Alberta owned the NHL in the 1980's. Alberta was called Death Valley for eastern teams making their swing through here.

We have the most loyal, rabid, knowledgable hockey fans in the NHL. And that is because most of us have played the game, coached our kids, got up at 5:30 to clear the outdoor rinks or to drive to 6 a.m. practices. We live, breathe and die for the game.

The Battle of Alberta used to mean something. It used to mean the battle for supremacy of the NHL. Which used to mean, when Edmonton played Calgary back in the 1980's, it was to determine who was the best Hockey Club in the world. Yes. The World.

So now, as we prepare for tonight's tilt, between two bottom feeders with nothing at stake but the title of least worst "professional"team in the NHL, it makes me mad and sad. Ignorance, arrogance, cronyism, breathtaking stupidity, yeah they're all to blame for our plight. We've been over it all so many times I can't bear to rehash the reasons for this disgrace.

I just think it didn't have to be this way. It shouldn't be like this. None of us, North and South, Flame or Oiler, deserve this.

Avatar
#50 camdog
November 16 2013, 04:37PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
Cheers
6
cheers

@Christian Roatis

I live in the explosion radius of those refineries, what's the difference?

On an aside the new areana does like a giant sperm...

Comments are closed for this article.