FGD: Suck It

Justin Azevedo
November 16 2013 03:30PM

Oilers Flames Hockey

Via halifaxdrunk

Originally, this was going to be a sob piece.

Man, was it ever going to be beautiful. Our cities' respective teams are both, in a word, repugnant. Flawed management persists, coaches play favourites, people still buy tickets and no one wins. There's so many reasons why fans of these two teams are alike.

But then I thought that wallowing in sadness wasn't really in the spirit of the Battle of Alberta.

So then I thought I would write about the juxtaposition of the Oilers (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) against the Flames, (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team than they have, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) because the two teams are obviously so different. But that was a garbage idea too.

So, let's be honest here - in terms of the hockey game out there tonight, there's not really much to care about because both of these teams suck for so many reasons. Thus, that concludes your game preview.

 

Haha, man, you really did think that was the end, didn't you? Wouldn't be surprised. You are from Edmonton. Hell, I'm surprised you've even made it this far without slumping over and drooling on your keyboard.

 

I came to the conclusion that what I really should be writing about is how f***ing bad Edmonton is.

  • Every single one of your sports teams is garbage. They've all fallen, and they can't get up.
  • Seriously, what the f*ck is "#GOilers"? Goilers sounds like a mutated version of herpes.
  • H and E are really all that's left and E bleeds shot attempts. How awesome is that contract going to look in like, oh, 8 months ago?

Clean Hit

  • What in the blue f*ck is this stupid "squeeee" bullsh*t? "I'm going to make the most annoying noise possible when my favourite overrated player does anything remotely positive because LOL!" Good thing Eberle doesn't do much good often. 

GAZE UPON YOUR GOD, WHO HAS FORSAKEN YOU

  • God Edmonton media is just the worst, too. "Let's run every talented player who doesn't speak english out of town! GRIT! TOUGHNESS! GAZDICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC"

"Oh Yeah He Totally Won That One"

  • I had to drive through Edmonton on my way to Bonnyville this summer. Even passing through the city was terrible. The roads look like the pockmarked face of a 70 year old pack-a-day smoker. Even the "engineering wonder" that is the Anthony Henday is terrible in comparison to Calgary's ring road. Ours is going to be done when yours is even though it's longer (25 kms) and it started like a decade later.
  • I guess living within explosion distance of refineries makes up for the 2 cent difference in gas.
  • Does anyone really even give a sh*t about West Edmonton Mall anymore? All it is is monolithic, ugly and out-of-date.
  • Haha the downtown arena man that's a horrible idea huge waste of money
  • Oh that's still going forward okay then lol
  • Also looks like sperm

This was actually on the city's website. Seriously.

  • Can a city really be called a city of champions if no one ever wins anything?
  • Why are there hundreds of jacked up trucks that are always sparkling clean?
  • 2011's Homicide Capital of Canada!

Edmonton Sun, Jan. 1, 2012

  • Capital Ex (or Klondike days or whatever it's called) is basically the ginger who writes "butts" as an answer on his test compared to the A+ student that is the Calgary Stampede.
  • http://walkingdeadmonton.tumblr.com
  • We even hate Toronto, Vancouver and Montréal better than you do!

In summary,

Love, Justin

A9d138d0e612f28cd46f9b7057ed715d
Justin is a 22-year-old Flames fan who also happens to be pursuing a double major at the University of Calgary. He has played hockey at high levels, enjoys wearing shorts and tends to drink far too much Grasshopper. Please don't hate him.
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#1 dougtheslug
November 16 2013, 04:34PM
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Here's what's really tragic.

This province is the hockey capital of the world. We produce hockey players like Vancouver produces street arsonists and Toronto produces ludicrous mayors. Do you realize that there are more than twice as many Alberta born players in the NHL than there are Russian born players? And Russia has 100 times the population, and twice as much snow.

Alberta has produced Hart, Norris, and Vezina trophy winners. Alberta born players captain three NHL teams. The next big thing in hockey, 15 year old Tyler Benson, is from Alberta. He shattered the Alberta Bantam scoring record last year. The record he broke belonged to Joffrey Lupul. And whose record did Lupul break? Jerome Inginla's. This province breeds excellence in hockey.

In the 1980's our professional teams reflected that. For eight (that is EIGHT!) straight years an Alberta team was in the Stanley Cup final, winning 6 times. Alberta owned the NHL in the 1980's. Alberta was called Death Valley for eastern teams making their swing through here.

We have the most loyal, rabid, knowledgable hockey fans in the NHL. And that is because most of us have played the game, coached our kids, got up at 5:30 to clear the outdoor rinks or to drive to 6 a.m. practices. We live, breathe and die for the game.

The Battle of Alberta used to mean something. It used to mean the battle for supremacy of the NHL. Which used to mean, when Edmonton played Calgary back in the 1980's, it was to determine who was the best Hockey Club in the world. Yes. The World.

So now, as we prepare for tonight's tilt, between two bottom feeders with nothing at stake but the title of least worst "professional"team in the NHL, it makes me mad and sad. Ignorance, arrogance, cronyism, breathtaking stupidity, yeah they're all to blame for our plight. We've been over it all so many times I can't bear to rehash the reasons for this disgrace.

I just think it didn't have to be this way. It shouldn't be like this. None of us, North and South, Flame or Oiler, deserve this.

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#2 -30-
November 16 2013, 03:33PM
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This blogger is as bad as our respective hockey teams. Nuff said.

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#3 Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead
November 16 2013, 03:40PM
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WHATS THAT CALGARY WE CANT HEAR YOU OVER OUR 5 STANLEY CUPS!!! SQUUEEEEEEEE!

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#4 Lowetide
November 16 2013, 03:36PM
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Can someone tweet this to the Hockey Gods?

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#5 mackb
November 16 2013, 03:31PM
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Last. Oh, I mean first. Just so used to being last...

[edit] I'm guessing Calgary's writing pool must be as bad as both our hockey teams. This is the worst GDB I've ever seen. Not informative, not very clever, humor is vacant, much less lacking. I kind of feel sorry for the Flames Nation readers if this is the quality they get.[/edit]

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#6 Jeffff
November 16 2013, 04:10PM
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Kevin Lowe : I know winning

Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

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#7 MessyEH!
November 16 2013, 03:44PM
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"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

That about sums it up. How the hell did they get Rob Ford to write this steaming pile of dog poop.

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#8 Fresh Mess
November 16 2013, 03:54PM
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I was really looking forward to joining a pile on of mocking Oiler incompetence. This entry was so completely void of cleverness, I was disappointed. I do agree with condemning the "squeeee" stupidity though.

I just noticed it was written by a kid. That explains it.

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#9 I Remember the Orange Jerseys
November 16 2013, 04:05PM
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Clash of the Titan(ic)s.

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#10 Lowetide
November 16 2013, 10:49PM
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this is why we NEVER mock the other team. The Hockey Gods lie in wait for these kinds of things.

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#11 Quicksilver ballet
November 16 2013, 04:47PM
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I'm an Oiler fan and i'm not the least offended by this article. This is what the Skirmish of Alberta come to these days, no knife twisting whatsoever, void of passion on both ends. Might as well be an exhibition game.

Does anyone even care anymore, sucks to be a hockey fan in Alberta, now and for the foreseeable future. Half a dozen too many teams and not enough decent players to go around. Oilers, as usual, get outworked and hopefully embarrassed on national television this evening. 30th place is all ours you Flame hosers, so don't be taking an unplanned night off. When it comes to tanking, Edmonton wrote the book on that. Respect your tanking elders.

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#12 Robin Brownlee
November 16 2013, 06:29PM
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I've edited/removed comments about or relating to the original reference to the flood in Calgary. That means some of you lost comments speaking out against the first reference because the initial comment was included. No other way.

An event in which people died isn't to be used as a punch line on this website. We're better than that. At least we should be.

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#13 Sammy
November 16 2013, 10:44PM
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Who can suck it now young Justin?

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#14 Hauk15
November 16 2013, 10:44PM
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Just saw the Ference fight....I liked it, dirty, but I liked it. Flamer got his ass beat. I like it a lot.

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#15 #ThereGoesTheOilers
November 16 2013, 04:45PM
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I was going to trash the GDB, but on second thought, well done Justin.

At least it's the first BoA blog that doesn't proclaim the virtues of a team that is (admittedly not by much) sh**tier than ours.

Game day prediction: Oilers and Flames both lose.

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#16 YFC Prez
November 16 2013, 04:40PM
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dougtheslug wrote:

Here's what's really tragic.

This province is the hockey capital of the world. We produce hockey players like Vancouver produces street arsonists and Toronto produces ludicrous mayors. Do you realize that there are more than twice as many Alberta born players in the NHL than there are Russian born players? And Russia has 100 times the population, and twice as much snow.

Alberta has produced Hart, Norris, and Vezina trophy winners. Alberta born players captain three NHL teams. The next big thing in hockey, 15 year old Tyler Benson, is from Alberta. He shattered the Alberta Bantam scoring record last year. The record he broke belonged to Joffrey Lupul. And whose record did Lupul break? Jerome Inginla's. This province breeds excellence in hockey.

In the 1980's our professional teams reflected that. For eight (that is EIGHT!) straight years an Alberta team was in the Stanley Cup final, winning 6 times. Alberta owned the NHL in the 1980's. Alberta was called Death Valley for eastern teams making their swing through here.

We have the most loyal, rabid, knowledgable hockey fans in the NHL. And that is because most of us have played the game, coached our kids, got up at 5:30 to clear the outdoor rinks or to drive to 6 a.m. practices. We live, breathe and die for the game.

The Battle of Alberta used to mean something. It used to mean the battle for supremacy of the NHL. Which used to mean, when Edmonton played Calgary back in the 1980's, it was to determine who was the best Hockey Club in the world. Yes. The World.

So now, as we prepare for tonight's tilt, between two bottom feeders with nothing at stake but the title of least worst "professional"team in the NHL, it makes me mad and sad. Ignorance, arrogance, cronyism, breathtaking stupidity, yeah they're all to blame for our plight. We've been over it all so many times I can't bear to rehash the reasons for this disgrace.

I just think it didn't have to be this way. It shouldn't be like this. None of us, North and South, Flame or Oiler, deserve this.

Just wanted to reply to this to bring it to the new page. Mega props!

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#17 Hauk15
November 16 2013, 10:37PM
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I don't believe my eyes! Did the Edmonton Oilers just win a hockey game?

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#18 David S
November 16 2013, 03:42PM
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U of C

Bonnyville

Grasshopper

Probably "that guy" you see at the bar wearing shorts and flip flops in November.

Being a fLames fan is the least of your problems.

BAH-HAHAHAHA!!!! SUCK IT FLAMER!!!! Oilers 5-3 in a sloppy pond hockey affair. Juuuust the way we like it.

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#19 Zarny
November 16 2013, 04:31PM
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#FAIL

I live in Calgary. It isn't that great.

And at least the Oilers have Hall, Nuge, Eberle, Yakupov and Schultz.

The Flames have Monahan. They don't even have the hope their G might be good enough.

Lowe chased the dream after 2006 but at least it was for only 3 years.

The Flames deluded themselves for almost a decade that if they could just squeak into the playoffs Iggy and Kipper could carry them to another shot at the Cup.

If you thought the Oilers rebuild has taken a long time buckle up for what's coming Calgary's way.

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#20 Al Low
November 16 2013, 05:02PM
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Why is this dumbass even writing on this blog? I come here to read and interact with people about hockey, specifically the Oilers. I live in Calgary but cheer for Edmonton. This piece was inappropriate and on behalf of Calgarians, I apologize to the wonderful people of Edmonton on behalf of this immature fool.

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#21 MMAX
November 16 2013, 11:08PM
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Let's see...Sh*t the bed in the 1st, a bit better in the 2nd but didn't score,sh*t the bed for the first few minutes of the 3rd until the flood gates opened. If it wasn't for Dubnyk, the Oil would have been dead in the water again. I wonder what he'll get for his good play. Can't ship him down to OKC,so he'll probably ride the pine while Bryz starts. I love how management rewards good play. Fedun sent down for Potter???? Arcobello sent down and Acton put in his place???? Un-f'n-real.

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#22 2004Z06
November 17 2013, 09:38AM
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I certainly hope this was some kind of a joke. I have no issue with poking fun at each other sports teams futility over the last several years, but mocking the city of Edmonton and Edmontonians is going a little too far. How quickly they forget that thousands of Edmontonians and Edmonton based companies were there to help when your city was completely underwater less than a year ago.

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#23 Jim
November 16 2013, 04:00PM
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Imagine if Kevin Lowe was fired and had to go look for a job in the NHL.

What skills do you have ? I know winning

What is your record with the Oilers? and not when you were a player

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#24 Big Cap
November 16 2013, 05:05PM
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After this year is over, your Calgary Flames will have made it out of the 1st round of the playoffs ONCE in 25 years. Through chokes, and just terrible play, that's ONE time you've actually made it out of the 1st round in 25 years!!!! The worst record in professional sports.

GO OILERS GO!

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#25 Hauk15
November 16 2013, 10:36PM
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Hall, Nuge, and Eberle are making the flames look like a bunch of pylons

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#26 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
November 16 2013, 09:08PM
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DSF wrote:

Ference was way over the line there.

He deserves a beating.

You deserve a beating...but you're still here.

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#27 PapaMike
November 16 2013, 03:56PM
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living within explosion distance of refineries makes up for the 2 cent difference in gas

That made me laugh out loud.

So, let's be honest here - in terms of the hockey game out there tonight, there's not really much to care about because both of these teams suck for so many reasons.

THIS!!!!

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#28 Chainsawz
November 16 2013, 08:03PM
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I tried simulating this game on my PS3 and it keeps going into sleep mode.

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#29 EVILTED
November 16 2013, 03:50PM
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The Edmonton Oilers make Rob Ford look cool and collected.

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#30 K_Mart
November 16 2013, 07:45PM
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Really Justin?!? You're making fun of our murder rate? It's tragic and people died, don't go there. Homicide in Edmonton has caused a ton of pain and should be kept separate from sports trash talk.

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#31 YFC Prez
November 16 2013, 10:40PM
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What did gagner do to get a star? Perron, Hemmer, and Hall all had much better games

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#32 BraveNugeWorld
November 16 2013, 03:56PM
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I would love to see MacT and Feaster announce before this game that they swapped 2014 first round picks, straight up. It would get rid of any notion of tanking for the rest of the season, and make the BoA more entertaining and meaningful.

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#33 GSP
November 16 2013, 03:57PM
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Il aurait été agréable à regarder ce match ce soir, mais j'ai un combat. J'ai toujours plaisir à regarder la bataille de l'Alberta. Oilers d'Edmonton vont gagner 6-1. Mon homme David Perron avec le tour du chapeau. Baise Calgary.

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#34 Bucknuck
November 16 2013, 05:08PM
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Steve wrote:

I had to double check I was still on flames nation bc of all the trolling Soiler fans on here trying haha. Keep up the good work!!!

it's on both sites, man. We aren't trolling. We're showing we are fans even when times are low, even when we have to read through a way too long list of insults to get here... We are still here.

True fans.

Go Oilers.

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#35 Mac962
November 16 2013, 03:47PM
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Now - our hockey teams- We suck the big one, so do you , but the expectations on us are much higher, People expect Edmonton to be elite. Calgary ? not so much - mediocrity as always as everything Calgary is. We don't want to be Toronto or Vancouver , but you do and it pains you that you can't be, Losers.

Toss the sticks in the middle of the ice and make two teams and see what happens, has to be more entertaining than what we are about to see.

I crave so much for Alberta to be Death Valley again for teams coming through. Of course with Calgary sucking our taint as always.

Smid ? Keep your head up you piece of crap. You fit right in now.

XOXOXOXOX

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#36 Coco crisp
November 16 2013, 04:19PM
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This was an incredibly poor mans wanye game day blog. Stay in your lane son.

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#37 Bucknuck
November 16 2013, 04:59PM
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Get ready for an a$$ kicking, Calgary. The boys in blue are more than due! And yeah I meant to make a rhyme there.

GDP: 6-2 Oil win

OGDP: Dubnyk lets in a softie in the first period

NSOGDP: Yakupov scores a hattrick, but Eakins doesn't give him the army jacket of honour because he didn't block a shot in the third period.

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#38 Harlie
November 16 2013, 10:46PM
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HAHA the fLames are worse than us.

Chiclet pickers.

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#39 Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead
November 16 2013, 04:14PM
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on an unrelated note, the above picture of Ebs really infuriates me, and solidifies my opinion that he is the most expendable of the young core.

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#40 Reality Check to the head
November 16 2013, 04:37PM
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Doucheb@g).

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#41 YFC Prez
November 16 2013, 10:28PM
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@Johnnydapunk

Dubnyk is playing very well. Has since the briz signing. Just reinforces the notion that he needs to be pushed. Dubnyk is the reason were winning this game.

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#42 EricOG
November 16 2013, 03:52PM
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He got one thing right, the Lames suck hind banana.

One more thing; Fire Lowe!!!!!

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#43 DieHard
November 16 2013, 05:20PM
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Hey Dude. Just how long have you been 22?

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#44 Dave
November 17 2013, 12:42AM
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This is such a great piece because it shows the subtle differences between the Oiler bloggers and the Flames bloggers. Wanye will write his trash talk pieces and it comes across as a little playful and somewhat aggressive. This guy is dropping swears and just acting like a general douchebag with some pent up rage, and all of it is a garbage copycat bit trying to be like Wanye but without any of the self awareness.

So... to Justin: you aren't good at this. And some day the Oilers and Flames will be good again, but if you don't get your game on you'll still be an uninspired blogger.

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#45 Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead
November 16 2013, 03:55PM
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CURRENTLY THE CALGARY FLAMES MOST PROMISING PROSPECT IS A BOX OF SEA MONKEYS

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#46 Woodchopper's Ball
November 16 2013, 04:10PM
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Dallas Eakins' Magnificent Forehead wrote:

CURRENTLY THE CALGARY FLAMES MOST PROMISING PROSPECT IS A BOX OF SEA MONKEYS

You probably want to get rid of the sea monkeys, Calgary. We've tried it in Edmonton, doesn't work.

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#47 YFC Prez
November 16 2013, 04:17PM
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Excellent GDB there Justin. Probably the best one yet to come out of Calgary. Wanye was slaughtering you folks. About time for a good rebuttal. But that's the way it usually is isn't it. Everything you guys have ever done we have done first and better up north.

We're even better and sucking than you dirty flames.

Eat sh@t flames!!!

Ps. I'm actually just a little bit more excited for this game tonight after reading this.

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#48 Hauk15
November 16 2013, 11:22PM
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HAHAHAHA FLAMES FANS WHY YOU HEFF TO BE MAD!? ITS ONLY GAME! ONLY A GAME THAT THE OILERS WON! HAHA FLAMES ARE WORSE THAN OILERS AND OILERS ARE PRETTY BAD! NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN AN OIL WIN OVER CALGARY

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#49 Admiralmark
November 16 2013, 03:57PM
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Oh yah?! Well we got Kevin Lowe! So there... Ha ha haaaaaaaarghh (*runs away spastically flaily his arms and launches himself off a rocky cliff*)

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#50 Christian Roatis
November 16 2013, 04:21PM
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EDIT: Initial reference to flood removed

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