HAPPY BIRTHDAY JORDAN EBERLE

Wanye
May 15 2013 11:58AM

 

Every 365 days Jordan Leslie Eberle celebrates another birthday. Every 365 days we write him a nice little article celebrating his perpetual greatness. This year King Jordan turns 23 years young and we can't help but think this article is going to be immediately added to a special file the police are preparing. 

Let's get to it.

THE YEAR IT'S BEEN

Ah fair Jordan. Fair, sweet prince in the prime of your life. It has been a hell of a year for you hasn't it? First a lockout robbed you of NHL life and you were forced to thrash the entire AHL within an inch of it's life.

Then you had a half season of Oilers Hockey where you secretly injured your hand and then suffered slings and arrows from a tiny misguided segment of Oilers fans for the first and presumably last time in your storied career.

THEN late in the season some had the unmitigated gall to go so far as to suggest you should be traded for players that "would plug holes in the lineup and get the Oilers to the next level." You may have heard screaming and gunfire from the River Valley when this was happening. That was me Jordan. Getting ready to defend your honour.

Seriously though 14 -

FORGET THOSE PEOPLE

Seriously Jordan. Who needs these kinds of fair weather fans?

You certainly don't. I certainly don't.

Let's run away together and start a new life. Seriously. We could go somewhere far far away where no one knows about Corsi numbers, where the boo birds don't fly. Somewhere where people can leave us alone to enjoy the remainder of our lives together.

Maybe Italy Jordan. We could start a two man gelato stand. Or what about Madagascar? We could work with local orphans, teaching them the value of hard work and morality. Think about it - you are only 23 and we have your whole life ahead of you.

IN THE MEANTIME

It's a crying shame that you have to celebrate your birthday at the World Championships every year. Last year you rang in 22 in Helsinki, Finland. This year it's in Stockholm. We can only imagine how boring it must be for you to be in Northern Europe, ballin out of control and playing hockey that is somewhere between "inconsequential" and "unimportant."

Pockets full of cash, tee shirt full of muscles. Front teeth set at a jaunty 15 degree angle sure to make the ladies swoon. Yep it must surely be a bore-a-thon over there for the second year in a row.

Perhaps one day your North American employers will see fit to get you into a playoff series or two before you are celebrating your 79th birthday.

Until then you have some thinking to do Sir. Italy. Madagascar. The South of France perhaps.

Think about it.

And Happy Birthday.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Matt Henderson
May 15 2013, 01:45PM
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Bicepus Maximus - Huge fan boy! wrote:

A two man gelato stand during the beautiful Italian summer? Dibs if Jordan says no!

Can the Gelato stand be called "Squeelato"?

I want Lemon Flavour. Or as it's known on the Squeelato Menu "Two Scoops of Whitney"

EDIT - OMG this was the Eberleenth comment on the article! I WIN!!

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#4 geno
May 15 2013, 01:15PM
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I think Ebs would've had a better season had he not picked up some bad habits playing against soft competition in the AHL

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#5 J.R.
May 16 2013, 07:18AM
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Bicepus Maximus - Huge fan boy! wrote:

A two man gelato stand during the beautiful Italian summer? Dibs if Jordan says no!

"If" he says no? I believe we can safely jump to the wild conclusion that he will turn down the offer. His refusal will come in the form of a restraining order...again.

Happy belated creepy birthday Jordan Eberle. Don't leave any drinks unattended.

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#7 Bicepus Maximus - Huge fan boy!
May 15 2013, 12:33PM
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A two man gelato stand during the beautiful Italian summer? Dibs if Jordan says no!

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#9 rubbertrout
May 15 2013, 04:40PM
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Mr. Common sense wrote:

Before everyone pee's their pants at what I'm about to say, just keep an open mind and consider this some summer thoughts:

Jordan Eberle is the best of the young oil, and if taken care of (surrounded by a spezza type center) will be a constant 50 goal scorer, hands and mind are at another level. Over time, he will develop into a datsyuk type as he gets old, he protects the puck beautifully and will learn to use his body to his advantage.

hall, as great as he is now, will not last long in this league, his belligerent and abrasive style will lead to perpetual injuries and he has no skill, he is a brute force, a cheetah whose young legs and savage nature are carrying him, as he ages he will be what iginla is today, slow, no moves and a perimeter, shoot and hope for the best type.

Between these 2 I would trade hall in 3 yrs if the oil haven't won by then and build around eberle

It is funny how little common sense you employ notwithstanding your moniker.

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#10 rubbertrout
May 15 2013, 04:43PM
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Pajamah wrote:

Someone has to know an Oiler equipment guy that can get Wanye a sock, used bandage, or heaven forbid, a jockstrap once worn by J.Leslie Eberle Esq.

The day this site dies, is the day Eberle gets traded.

This site was born out of the Smytty trade. I doubt the site would die but there may be some members of Oilers Management that would go missing under suspicious circumstances.

Wanye is working on an airtight alibi to have ready for such a situation if it ever comes to pass.

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#11 Quicksilver ballet
May 15 2013, 12:07PM
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Maybe we could put a red x through Jordans picture, as it sits next to a proud Shea Weber in an Oilers jersey, no?

Only a matter of time....

Muuuuuwaaaaahahahahaha. Happy day of birth Jordan.

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#12 Quicksilver ballet
May 15 2013, 12:14PM
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@Wanye

Consider me cyberly killed sir.

any chocolate timbits left in your 40 pack you might be willing to share, since it's his birthday an all?

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#13 PrimeBane
May 15 2013, 12:14PM
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I picture Wanye sitting alone in the Manor eating a DQ ice cream cake with a big #14 on it...

Not judging. I might stop at DQ now. :)

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#15 Smokey
May 15 2013, 12:22PM
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I got the same feeling down my spine when I watched the cable guy for the first time.... My palms and brow are sweaty. Happy Birthday Jordan, not all of us fans are as creepy.

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#16 Pajamah
May 15 2013, 12:34PM
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Someone has to know an Oiler equipment guy that can get Wanye a sock, used bandage, or heaven forbid, a jockstrap once worn by J.Leslie Eberle Esq.

The day this site dies, is the day Eberle gets traded.

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#17 Spydyr
May 15 2013, 01:26PM
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In honor of Eb's birthday can we have one day without Weber or Omark trade talk. Pretty please.

Happy Bithday #14

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#18 cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan
May 15 2013, 01:41PM
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Wanye wrote:

If you want to see a special level of crazy just wait and see what happens to OilersNation.com if Eberle gets traded. Fortunately that will never happen so we don't need to worry about that.

*sharpens samurai sword*

you scare me when you threaten to enter a DSF level of sanity.

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#19 vetinari
May 15 2013, 02:03PM
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To properly celebrate EberFest (that's right, he even gets his name on his own holiday), can we get Steve Tambellini to dress up as "Peter the Puck" and deliver a "Happy EberFest" bouquet of hockey sticks to him? I hear Tambi has some free time on his hands now...

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#20 Dallylamma
May 15 2013, 02:10PM
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Man, how many boxes of hair do you think Eberle will be unwrapping this year...?

I'm setting the over/under at 4.5!

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#21 Dean Belanger
May 15 2013, 02:12PM
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ok, the article is funny as hell. The comments are even better. Wanye you are a F%^CKED UP beautiful creature.

I only hope to god Ebs actually read this because is it is gold.

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#22 NewAgeSys
May 15 2013, 02:21PM
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Happy birthday Ebbs, heres your gift from Momma2,work on the high velocity backhand at the goalies elbows post-in from mid-range between the dots releasing from a safe body position,never exposing to the huge hit.You may also work the backhand on the bank shots off of defensmen caught going against the grain, you yourself specialise in this move and are always in a position to exploit d-men who try to track you and the playaction at the same time.Bounce them in ,overextend and draw the tender out far and fast so he cuts off the d-man who will stop to cover the back door,backhand it off his chest and he will direct it in for you because he will be facing the backdoor himself but angled from the middle.It is higher percentage than many think because all d-men react the same essentially by the book,they even turn at the same times.

Have an extra piece of cake man,you will need the calories,rest up because next season will come fast and will be explosive from the get-go.

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#23 DonEnrico
May 15 2013, 02:32PM
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Hey! It's great weather here in Sweden today, and the temperature is up to summer temperature which means the girls think it's time to show the smaller and lighter clothes...

I think there are worse places to celebrate your 23 birthday... Then there's the thing about playing for the trophy...hmm, what's the name? I think there is a Lord involved...

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#24 Dean Belanger
May 15 2013, 02:45PM
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@Wanye

Then I guess we are laughing "at you" and not "with you"...sorry (sheepishly looking at the top of my shoes)

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#25 Mr. Common sense
May 15 2013, 02:51PM
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Before everyone pee's their pants at what I'm about to say, just keep an open mind and consider this some summer thoughts:

Jordan Eberle is the best of the young oil, and if taken care of (surrounded by a spezza type center) will be a constant 50 goal scorer, hands and mind are at another level. Over time, he will develop into a datsyuk type as he gets old, he protects the puck beautifully and will learn to use his body to his advantage.

hall, as great as he is now, will not last long in this league, his belligerent and abrasive style will lead to perpetual injuries and he has no skill, he is a brute force, a cheetah whose young legs and savage nature are carrying him, as he ages he will be what iginla is today, slow, no moves and a perimeter, shoot and hope for the best type.

Between these 2 I would trade hall in 3 yrs if the oil haven't won by then and build around eberle

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#26 vetinari
May 15 2013, 03:02PM
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For his birthday, I got Eb's a country named after him... sure it's in the desert and no hockey is played there in April but none is played here either most years... sigh... time to drink to Eb's and the fond memories of past playoff runs...

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#27 rubbertrout
May 15 2013, 04:41PM
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Wanye you are a troubled, troubled man.

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#28 Smokey
May 15 2013, 05:01PM
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DonEnrico wrote:

Hey! It's great weather here in Sweden today, and the temperature is up to summer temperature which means the girls think it's time to show the smaller and lighter clothes...

I think there are worse places to celebrate your 23 birthday... Then there's the thing about playing for the trophy...hmm, what's the name? I think there is a Lord involved...

From a man with a wife of the Swedish variety....Him and Hallsy will enjoy God's swedish creation this fine birthday. Poor Wayne may never get him back, he might stay for good.

Remember Tommy Salo's wife, cha-ching

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#29 Rocket
May 15 2013, 08:51PM
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Ebs rulz & Patrik Kane drools!

(I actually like Kane but thought it would be funny to take a completely needless shot at him)

(My jokes are so bad I need to explain them)

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#30 robinrussia
May 16 2013, 05:39AM
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rubbertrout wrote:

This site was born out of the Smytty trade. I doubt the site would die but there may be some members of Oilers Management that would go missing under suspicious circumstances.

Wanye is working on an airtight alibi to have ready for such a situation if it ever comes to pass.

It would indeed die. Wanye would be in jail for the first assassination of an NHL GM. I can only assume it would be a samurai style assassination, as he's prepared his samurai sword.

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#31 pelhem grenville
May 16 2013, 07:07AM
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...you're planning on popping out of a birthday cake for him aren't you ?

you're a shameless young man!

it's why we love U!!!

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#32 David S
May 16 2013, 08:27PM
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rubbertrout wrote:

This site was born out of the Smytty trade. I doubt the site would die but there may be some members of Oilers Management that would go missing under suspicious circumstances.

Wanye is working on an airtight alibi to have ready for such a situation if it ever comes to pass.

My standard response when answering the phone is either...

"YAH ME AND MY BUDDY WANYE WERE JUST LOOKIN' AT CONDOS THIS AFTERNOON. ALL AFTERNOON BY THE WAY. WHO'S CALLIN'?"

Or

"Power 92 plays today's best music NOW SHOW ME THE MONEY!"

Totally depends on how loaded I am.

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