A LETTER TO THE NEW COACH

Wanye
September 12 2013 02:46PM

 

What up new sexy Coach of the Oilers? You are certainly making a big splash in your early days at camp. Banning doughnuts, making grim faced statements of grim determination at every turn. Working out at 2:15 AM whilst the rest of us are lazily sleeping the day away. 

Sick.

END OF SUMMER

Last week your ol' pal Wanye was out in the mean streets of Toronto transacting Nation Business. Finalizing a deal to buy a website to add to the Nation Network, meeting some of our awesome bloggers for the first time, drinking beer by the hectolitre and ogling the babes as they marched past in the clubs.

And during that time it was brought to our attention by several folks covering the Leafs that you are a man of singular focus and determination. "It was a real kick to the beans losing Eakins" they all said in their own way. "This guy is no joke and he is going to remake the character of your team in a real hurry. Leave it to the Leafs to let a guy like that get passed over for the Head Coach job and leave town."

Leave it to the Leafs? Pfft. How about them Edmonton Oilers finally looking outside their ranks and hiring a boss to come in and run the show.

As our esteemed colleague Brian Sutherby noted earlier today:

I had the privilege of facing the Marlies and an Eakins coached team 4 times last year and I can tell you they were awesome games. We lost every single one and all of them had a playoff type feel. Not a ton of fights, maybe one or two, but scrums and intensity galore.
They made you work for every inch. I can only assume the Oilers will be a much harder team to play against this year.

YES

Finally someone who is going to come in here and spin the straw of potential into golden results. Your seriousity so far on the job has impressed Oilers fans down to our socks. I can't think of anyone in the last 10 years who has made as many public commitments to winning as you have already and you have exactly two days of training camp under your belt. You are already our 6th favourite Oiler and you won't even set foot on the ice.

I can't over emphasize how important you excelling at your new job is to us Oilers fans all around the world. All we want is the Oilers to finally win again. Maybe it was because so many of us younger fans either didn't live through the glory years or were so young that we took them for granted. Maybe it's because we are living in our beloved sub zero wasteland of a city and our brains are partially frozen year round and we can think of nothing else.

Either way we have been living in the shadow of these great teams from 25 years ago and cheering 24/7 for scraps and wasted potential ever since. The success of your hockey team and you kicking ass at your new job means more to us than it does to most. Millions of us are squarely in your corner as you make these boys into men.

Stack the dead bodies of non performing Oilers three across and use them as a bridge to ford the river and reach VictoryLand on the other side. Run roughshod over everyone who suggests that mediocrity and borderline competing is good enough as they collect millions in the process. Hell strap on the skates, wear Ben Eager's face as a mask and block shots on the PK if you feel it would help.

We have a sneaking suspicion you are going to do whatever it takes.

"I firmly believe you’ve got to come in with your family with the attitude that this is our community and we’re never leaving. That’s the only way you can do it. I want everybody to know I’m all in.” - You, here.

Oh man. Thank you for coming here and signing on for the next four years of your life to do the job that we all want done so badly. You could have doubtlessly gone anywhere you wanted. Thank you for picking Edmonton and going all in.

Now for heaven's sakes please get these here Oilers into the playoffs.

Love,

Wanye

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#2 StHenriOilBomb
September 12 2013, 02:58PM
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You forgot to ask him to save your a$$ and give Gagner the 'C'.

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#3 David S
September 12 2013, 03:46PM
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You ever notice how Eakins NEVER smiles? Dude is a stone cold killer.

MORE SERIOSITY! MORE GRITENSITY! MORE DETERMINOSITY!

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#4 rubbertrout
September 12 2013, 03:09PM
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Plus his wife is uberhot.

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#8 **
September 12 2013, 08:03PM
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Eakin's got stones. Defying Terry Jones like that by taking away the donuts is the stuff of of true courage.

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#9 Jay Gray
September 12 2013, 04:14PM
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My only fear is Eakins out intensities some of our higher skilled talent and drives them out of town, I don't believe this will be the case, but I am slightly worried.

Aw screw it, intensity wins. If they can't take it, they don't belong. Captain Hall does not equate into these fears, dude is a winner.

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#10 #ThereGoesTheOilers
September 12 2013, 04:17PM
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David S wrote:

You ever notice how Eakins NEVER smiles? Dude is a stone cold killer.

MORE SERIOSITY! MORE GRITENSITY! MORE DETERMINOSITY!

No kidding. I was expecting half a smile or something from him. A smirk about the lack of donuts. Whichever. Guy reminds me of Babcock and Quenneville.

Sometimes it seems like the more the Wings and Hawks win, the more those two scowl.

Then again, they do plenty of smiling when they hoist a cup, don't they?

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#11 Fatbob24
September 12 2013, 10:57PM
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DSF wrote:

No.

Donuts are easy.

Going 3-8 in October is hard.

Well find out soon enough.

TROLL...

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#12 baggedmilk
September 12 2013, 03:01PM
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WANYE YOU FORGOT TO MENTION HOW HANDSOME SIR EAKINS IS!

So very handsome...

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#13 Bob Cobb
September 12 2013, 03:57PM
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You say "Now for heaven's sakes please get these here Oilers into the playoffs." but forgot "and at the very least BEAT CALGARY"

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#14 vetinari
September 12 2013, 07:32PM
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Oilers G- Nations Poet Laureate wrote:

Really??? Close Second???

Wanye can't Haiku like me.

"Haiku-off" Wanye*

*thats a challenge... may the best Haiku win.

Whoa... hold on there fellas... lives have been lost during Haiku challenges... can't we just resolve this over a beer and an iambic pentameter poem or two?

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#15 Grizztopia
September 12 2013, 11:06PM
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vetinari wrote:

Whoa... hold on there fellas... lives have been lost during Haiku challenges... can't we just resolve this over a beer and an iambic pentameter poem or two?

Coach's steely gaze
Instills confidence in us
Donut time is done

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#16 Hoos
September 12 2013, 03:12PM
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Wanye,

Loved the open letter, just one note of criticism:

You say, "I can't think of anyone in the last 10 years who has made as many public commitments to winning as you have already and you have exactly two days of training camp under your belt."

But you forget: "And lastly, I’ll say that there’s one other guy in hockey today that is still working in the game that has won more Stanley Cups than me. So I think I know a little bit about winning, if there’s ever a concern."

How quickly we forget, eh?

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#17 Where's Your Towel
September 12 2013, 04:14PM
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One day, many years from now, we will look back at this week and refer to it as the beginning of the Eakins-Era. *Only this time we won't be using the word "era" sarcastically.

* Hoping the coach is not immediately fired is all the optimism I am allowing myself until playoffs are at least a 60% certainty.

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#18 jeanshorts
September 12 2013, 05:16PM
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baggedmilk wrote:

WANYE YOU FORGOT TO MENTION HOW HANDSOME SIR EAKINS IS!

So very handsome...

HEY LET'S ALL TRASH THIS GUYS COMMENT SOME MORE!

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#19 Oilers G- Nations Poet Laureate
September 12 2013, 05:52PM
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Wax Man Riley wrote:

Wanye wrote: "spin the straw of potential into golden results"

WANYE, YOU ARE A POET.

If I were the mayor of this great kingdom I would commission you as poet laureate.*

*Sorry, Oilers G, you come in a close 2nd

Really??? Close Second???

Wanye can't Haiku like me.

"Haiku-off" Wanye*

*thats a challenge... may the best Haiku win.

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#20 Chaz
September 12 2013, 03:38PM
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In all Seriousity, this is a fairly good article.

Hold them boys accountable Coach Dallas! Is it Oct 1st yet??

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#21 I tried it at home
September 12 2013, 04:03PM
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Will wrote:

With a power play and penalty kill near the top of the league, I wonder which areas of the Oilers game Eakins will be credited with improving most? Does anyone think, like Krueger, there will be elements that might actually worsen?

I hope he improves on our shots for and against, as well as our puck possession.

The area known as " win/loss" column comes to mind.

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#22 vetinari
September 12 2013, 04:19PM
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Sadly, the top intro picture is the happiest that I've seen Eakins... just imagine how smiley he will be when either:

a.) he proves Wanye was right about Gagner being our next captain; or

b.) he gets this clunker into the playoffs and shows that we really had Mustangs all along.

Can we give Eakins' a new nickname to maybe get a smile out of him once in a while? What about:

Coach Grimace?

Dallas "This is My Smile" Eakins?

The Eakins "Diet"?

The Smile-killer?

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#23 dawgtoy
September 12 2013, 02:59PM
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#Classic!

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#24 StHenriOilBomb
September 12 2013, 03:01PM
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Also, props for running in to Ebs while wearing a Squeeeeeeeeeee t-shirt. That's almost as embarrassing as the time I ran in to my high-school crush during rugby rookie orientation while I was wearing a tu-tu with her name sharpied across the bum. Never smooched her, btw.

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#25 oilerjed
September 12 2013, 03:03PM
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Hmmmmmm Seriosity? I was going to challange the use of this word until I googled it. Turns out there is quite a fight going on as to its legitimacy. But who cares its in the urban dictionary so its officially official.

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#26 Rama Lama
September 12 2013, 04:15PM
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That 'frekin Eakin", is something...........no where to go but up from here. This guy makes all the other coaches pale in comparison with his intesity.......let's hope it translates on to the ice.

I'm pumped.

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#27 Nathan
September 12 2013, 08:13PM
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You had me at "wear Ben Eager's face as a mask."

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#28 Bi-Curious Gord
September 13 2013, 05:33AM
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@ DSF

"Donuts are easy" ??

That depends on what kind of relationship you have with them..

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#29 Will
September 12 2013, 03:53PM
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With a power play and penalty kill near the top of the league, I wonder which areas of the Oilers game Eakins will be credited with improving most? Does anyone think, like Krueger, there will be elements that might actually worsen?

I hope he improves on our shots for and against, as well as our puck possession.

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#30 Wax Man Riley
September 12 2013, 04:32PM
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Wanye wrote: "spin the straw of potential into golden results"

WANYE, YOU ARE A POET.

If I were the mayor of this great kingdom I would commission you as poet laureate.*

*Sorry, Oilers G, you come in a close 2nd

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#31 ColourMeImpressed
September 12 2013, 04:04PM
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Wanye got mentioned by Gagner? Where? Links? Sauce?

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#32 Dog Train
September 12 2013, 04:59PM
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If he's this popular now, imagine if he gets the Oilers into the playoffs? I have to admit, he's a breath of fresh air. No more excuses, just win.

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#33 jeanshorts
September 12 2013, 05:18PM
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Also, you forgot the most important question of them all: WILL COACH EAKINS BE BACK FOR SEASON 3 OF HOMELAND??

http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/About/General/2012/11/9/1352457697473/Peter-Quinn---will-his-cl-010.jpg

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#34 DSF
September 12 2013, 09:17PM
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** wrote:

Eakin's got stones. Defying Terry Jones like that by taking away the donuts is the stuff of of true courage.

No.

Donuts are easy.

Going 3-8 in October is hard.

Well find out soon enough.

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#35 Serious Gord
September 13 2013, 12:18AM
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Judging the book only by its cover - and at this point that is really all we have - Mr. Eakins seems to have the right attitude and talks a great game. Miles better than Deepak Krueger.

There is however one nagging issue and it shows even on Mr. Eakins face and physique:

You can over-train.

Hockey, much like baseball, is a marathon - not a sprint. Burn-out - not just physically, but mentally is an issue. Coaches like Tortorella have been accused of wearing their teams out by playing far too intense a style of hockey and in off ice training in a season that can go north of 100 games in nine months (and this is an olympic year meaning the second half is more condensed than normal).

Getting your players to a level of fitness where the body fat is so low they look like auschwitz internees will be a big mistake. Unlike Mr. Eakins, they have to play a game against adversaries as well as hit the bike etc.

In baseball there is a bit of a training revolution beginning: some players only do sprint and very brief high energy reps - as there is no play in baseball that lasts more than five seconds.

I wonder if similar philosophies are being adopted in hockey. And i wonder if Mr. Eakins is aware of them and/or is amenable to changing his attitudes...

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#36 Batfink
September 12 2013, 03:07PM
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Four year contract until MacT looses it, and while talking to himself, realised HE was actually the coach who most agreed with his goals. So he decides to fire Eakins a week after giving him the 'kiss of death' endorsement, even though we made the play-offs!

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#37 Hoos
September 12 2013, 03:49PM
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Wanye wrote:

I would never diss Kevin Lowe. Regardless of the fact that his success as a player standing next to his success as a Coach/GM looks like Zdeno Chara standing next to Mini Me.

Never. He is legit one of my heroes regardless without any sarcasm whatsoever.

Oh, I'm totally with you on that. I love Lowe, I just think there's a coach now who espouses the same confidence, albeit in a more controlled, media friendly manner.

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#38 Taylor Gang
September 12 2013, 06:05PM
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Dallas Eakins' strategy seems almost foolproof; work hard for results. Eakins alone is a reason to be excited for the season.

On an unrelated note, we should be able to show pictures on this site without having to show only a link to the image. That would be cool :)

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#39 hemi
September 12 2013, 06:32PM
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Stone Cold Eakins has the attention of many Oiler fans and by what has been bussing around, so do the players. This could be a very interesting year and I can hardly wait for it to kick into high gear.

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#40 Benny Botts
September 12 2013, 03:06PM
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StHenriOilBomb wrote:

You forgot to ask him to save your a$$ and give Gagner the 'C'.

Wayne he called you out in the media about this captaincy. Did you hear his comments??

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#41 Andaoneandatwo
September 12 2013, 09:52PM
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Juan, More cowbell.

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#42 Devolution
September 12 2013, 10:13PM
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Wanye wrote:

I would never diss Kevin Lowe. Regardless of the fact that his success as a player standing next to his success as a Coach/GM looks like Zdeno Chara standing next to Mini Me.

Never. He is legit one of my heroes regardless without any sarcasm whatsoever.

I admire and respect the pureness of your fandom.

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#43 Devolution
September 12 2013, 10:16PM
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Oilers G- Nations Poet Laureate wrote:

Really??? Close Second???

Wanye can't Haiku like me.

"Haiku-off" Wanye*

*thats a challenge... may the best Haiku win.

To paraphrase Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers, "I don't even know what a f***ing Haiku is man!"

Well, I do really, I just thought it was a funny movie.

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#44 Neal
September 13 2013, 10:10AM
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Man, isn't everyone freaking out already! Criticizing line combos on Day 2 of training camp!!! Sheesh...

Gotta love Eakins so far... but results will determine if it's true love Wanye...

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#45 bdiddy18
September 13 2013, 02:02PM
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How did a pic of Mrs. Eakins not make this posting?

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#46 719
September 12 2013, 10:14PM
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Eakins is hiding some pain behind that stone cold facade.

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#47 brodiesten
September 12 2013, 11:56PM
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I played the song while reading this and almost cried

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#48 Kelly
September 13 2013, 01:20PM
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I'm disappointed. I thought the "letter to the coach" was going to be you telling Eakins to stop ridiculing you over your blog about Gagner becoming captain.

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#49 Rip van Winkle
September 13 2013, 09:32PM
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DSF wrote:

No.

Donuts are easy.

Going 3-8 in October is hard.

Well find out soon enough.

if comment_source <> dsf then continue reading else ignore end if

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