2013-14 GOAT SELECTION

Wanye
September 24 2013 11:38AM

Traditions are traditionally something that occur over and over and over again. Christmas. Easter. Your weird uncle telling the same three stories after a few scotches at every family gathering since the mid 90s. You come to count on them. You stand behind them. You guarantee them. 

And so goes the annual goat selection here at OilersNation.

WHAT IS A GOAT?

Many many moons ago we used to sit around with our buddies and discuss the Oilers at extreme length over poker games of extreme length. Blame would be showered on 91% of the lineup on any given night only to have the same buddies declare their undying love for the same players they were dissing the night before.

It got annoying and as the seasons ran on and the Oilers floated gently to the bottom of the league floor we decided that all the negativity needed to be contained and the braintrust of the boys decided to name a goat. The goat is the player that you blame for everything that goes wrong.

As we so eloquently explained it back in 2009:

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of shit.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

This is the way we pass the winter Nation. Until we figure out a way to keep Edmonton 24 degrees year round, this is the best we can do.

Ah 2009 Wanye. How precious you were back then. If we could only go back in time and tell you what was on the horizon in your life wearing #14 and needing only to flash a single gap toothed smile to melt your heart.

WHO HAVE BEEN PREVIOUS GOATS?

The pantheon of previous Goaterati reads like a who's who of crap. Theo Peckham, Tom Gilbert, Denis Grebeshkov (2x) Nikolai Khabibulin. They are generally overpaid, completely unsexy and whipping boys for yet another season gone awry.

We try and limit our goats to players who are paid to be impact players, expected to be impact players, projected to be impact players yet do little to help our beloved Oilers climb out of the nearly decade long hole in which they are plugged.

There is no sense naming a fourth line player or a prospect a goat. What do you expect from the guy? He is doing his best to remain in the lineup. He should be celebrated for trying to overcome long odds not heaped with scorn. For this reason ol' goatie McGrebs will be spared a record third year of being named our goat.

No Grebs its impressive that you have somehow found your way back to our remote Canadian outpost from whatever frozen Russian outpost you have been at for the past while. We wish you nothing but luck in your quest to return to the NHL. Should you land a roster spot and sign a long term deal you will be back on blast.

But for now - good luck.

AND THE WINNER IS

Jeff Petry.

We see you there Jeff. Wearing the ol' Boris Mironov #2 special. Growing out your hair to look like your presumed hero Tom Gilbert. You play a lot like Tom Gilbert too - soft as a tub of margarine left in the sun in a town square in Yemen on the hottest day of the summer.

Yeah Jeff - you are exactly like that.

Do you know where your hero Tom Gilbert is playing now? Exactly. No one knows. He hasn't been heard from in months. And if you don't start to turn the corner and cash in on all of your promise you too will be on isolation island just like your best friend Tom.

You had 5 whole points and went dash 12 last year in 35 games Jeff. That's absurd. Get ready for a year of scorn from your ol' pal Wanye.

BAAAAA

Please name your goat in the comments below and explain why he or she is the worst player in the history of organized sport.

Thursday is star day.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Aron S
September 24 2013, 11:45AM
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My FIST goat? Ryan Jones.

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#2 BigBurgers
September 24 2013, 11:46AM
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goats! NSchultz...

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#3 Truth
September 24 2013, 11:47AM
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Devan Dubnyk - For letting in a minimum of one soft goal per game this season. Has been his MO since Junior and hasn't changed.

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#4 Dalg
September 24 2013, 11:51AM
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I think Smitty will do just fine for goat status.

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#5 Wax Man Riley
September 24 2013, 11:52AM
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Here he is... Wax Man's goat for the magical 2013-2014 season........

Ryan Jones.

Making more money than Jesus at $1.5 MILLION!! You sir are my goat for the year. You once scored 17 and 18 Ginos, but I have watched you shovel the puck out of the corner right on an opposing defender's stick one too many times (and by my count, last year was 48 times... so maybe 45 too many times).

You are here to provide some grit. some jam, some sandpaper, some truculence. The only thing you provide is a lot of hurried chaos without getting much done.

Ryan Jones. Your hunting buddy SMac is back, but you will have more time to work on your shooting, when you should be working on your shot.

You sir, are my goat.

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#6 DaveChamp
September 24 2013, 11:54AM
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BigBurgers wrote:

goats! NSchultz...

I'm also gonna go with Nick Schultz. He was traded to replace the goat and now looks slow and contributes nothing offensively.

I hate picking goats and think it's actually a pretty bad thing to do which gives merit to everything people say about Oilers fans, but if we're going to do it, I'm gonna pick Schultz.

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#7 DieHard
September 24 2013, 11:54AM
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Ryan Jones - Too slow and does not hit.

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#8 russ99
September 24 2013, 11:54AM
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I should have gotten some bonus points last year with the ridiculously overhyped Teemu Hartikainen as my goat pick.

This year is tough. Nobody stands out. Can't pick Gagner after the jaw and it would be counter-productive to pick one of Perron, Gordon or Hemsky, the obvious candidates.

Discounting out new goon squad of Brown, MacIntyre and Eager, I have to go with Dubnyk, and hope I'm wrong.

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#9 vetinari
September 24 2013, 11:56AM
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My former favorite-- Ryan Smyth. He broke our hearts when he selfishly refused to sign for a pittance less money and forced ol' Six Rings and co. to trade him to Fantasy Island only to work himself back to the true north, out of energy, and unable to skate the length of the ice without needing an oxygen tank and a walker. He also became one of the three points of the notorious Belanger triangle and has since been upended by newer, shinier toys on the Oiler roster. Ryan Smith. My former favorite. My goat.

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#10 Spydyr
September 24 2013, 11:57AM
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Ryan Smyth

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#11 Chilly Canadian
September 24 2013, 11:59AM
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I look forward to the goat/star all offseason.

Mine - Hemsky. The obvious choice.

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#12 OilSavage
September 24 2013, 12:02PM
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My Goat for the year?

Jordan Eberle.

Kid is a showboat and has cost the Oilers plenty of games with his showboating.

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#13 Oil Fan in Ottawa
September 24 2013, 12:04PM
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My 2013-14 Goat is....Jordan Leslie Eberle. Shower me with your trash but I do not see him living up to a $6M salary and thus receives my scorn. Bahhhhhhh!!!!

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#16 Giant
September 24 2013, 12:08PM
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Hemsky

For looking lost and uninterested on the ice about 3/4 of the time.

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#17 Ducey
September 24 2013, 12:09PM
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SMac.

A nuclear deterrent that will likely spend most of his time in silo.

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#18 Wax Man Riley
September 24 2013, 12:09PM
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Wanye wrote:

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU

Pay no attention....

Absinthe before noon will do that to you.

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#19 Dan 1919
September 24 2013, 12:09PM
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I agree, Petry needs to make all of this overhyped potential a reality.

Why's he so overrated anyway, he can skate fast and pass the puck hard sometimes... so can Belanger.

Us poor Oiler fans have gotten so use to the bottom that when we have a 6/7 NHL defencemen playing the 1/2 spot, we eventually just start believing he actually is 1/2 caliber.

I hope he turns into a great d-man, but as of last year he was the most overhyped player on the Oilers since Schremp.

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#20 David S
September 24 2013, 12:11PM
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This thread could easily go off the rails REAL FAST!

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#21 Bryan in SK
September 24 2013, 12:14PM
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Oilers pro scouts. Baaaaaaaaaaaa.

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#22 Quicksilver ballet
September 24 2013, 12:15PM
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Just throwing this out there....

Grabeshkov?

Can't believe he didn't make it in the first 20.

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#23 VK63
September 24 2013, 12:15PM
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Leslie?

bwahahahahahaha!

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#24 tileguy
September 24 2013, 12:16PM
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should be a stipulation that the player has to make the team (all you Jones haters)

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#25 2004Z06
September 24 2013, 12:16PM
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I vote Shawn Horcoff....Oh wait...

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#26 rickithebear
September 24 2013, 12:16PM
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Selecting the only dman first line caliber in 1. first line comp EVGA 2. Evpoints 3. EVAssists 4. PKGA 5. Hits 6. Blocks Last year!

The only Dman. Not Chara Not Weber.......on and on.

Brave to choose him.

Anyone who is going to make a goat comment about Petry should problem start the goat converstion with, "I know I am a bit of a moron but,"

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#27 Oilers Ninja
September 24 2013, 12:17PM
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My Goat this year is Boyd Gordon... he is a bona fide mucker and will have a tough time living up to his contract that stands 3 sheets high per season.

Go get em Gordo I hope you prove me wrong!!!!

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#29 Quicksilver ballet
September 24 2013, 12:17PM
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Let the games begin....

Can I vote for David S?

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#30 PrimeBane
September 24 2013, 12:18PM
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Why does everyone still pick on poor Bo-bo :(

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#31 ricikthebear
September 24 2013, 12:19PM
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Dan overhyped! yeah Chara who could not achieve what petry did last year is overhyped too! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! there are alot of TOronto media trained hockey experts on here.

Overhyped!

Crosby! is overhyped too! right DAN!

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#32 tileguy
September 24 2013, 12:20PM
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Weeeeeee (oui if your french)a fun article, not doom and gloom and broken jaws with missing teeth.

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#33 phreebassist
September 24 2013, 12:22PM
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My goat is the other teams that will beat us. Like screw you guys

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#34 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:24PM
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I agree on both Petry and Ryan Jones, though it's starting to look like Jones shouldn't even make the team! I hope I'm wrong and that there are no goats this year!!

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#35 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:25PM
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PrimeBane wrote:

Why does everyone still pick on poor Bo-bo :(

Boris means Norris doesn't it? At least that's what we used to say haha.

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#36 2004Z06
September 24 2013, 12:26PM
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I think Jones is on the outside looking in too.

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#37 oilerjed
September 24 2013, 12:27PM
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I would have to say Hemsky, but Im not sure he qualifies under your guidelines. Is he really expected to produce? Im gonna do it anyway

Goat Supreme = Hemsky Let him eat grass!

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#38 tileguy
September 24 2013, 12:29PM
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"The ultimate trololo mashup" gonna play that sucker all day at work til i can recite the words forwards and backwards. Thanks Wayne for puttin that song in my head.

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#39 Hall for Captain
September 24 2013, 12:30PM
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Goat = DSF. Hands down.

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#40 Death Metal Nightmare
September 24 2013, 12:31PM
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Gagner - cause he gets 5 mil a year and sucks pretty bad unless there are players on his wing to carry him to any success. a true captain - i mean - paper tiger.

Jones is too easy. no one expects much out of his game. he's teetering on even making the team. pass.

we already seen Petry's Squirt level antics last year in the game where he chased whoever behind the net to blow the game. not expecting much out of him for his price.

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#41 Dan the Man
September 24 2013, 12:35PM
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Sadly I have to go with Smytty.

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#42 Bi-Curious Gord
September 24 2013, 12:37PM
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Quicksilver ballet wrote:

Just throwing this out there....

Grabeshkov?

Can't believe he didn't make it in the first 20.

Trying reading the article before you spout off

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#43 jbomb
September 24 2013, 12:37PM
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Justin Shultz. Everytime he's on the ice for a goal I blame him

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#44 The Hall Way
September 24 2013, 12:41PM
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Does Ryan Jones count if he doesnt make the team and is picked up by Florida on waivers?!

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#45 Czar
September 24 2013, 12:41PM
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I'll pick Grebs with an honorable mention to Bucky & Smith.

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#46 Todd
September 24 2013, 12:42PM
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I vote Wanye as goat. I used to find the posts entertaining, but meh.

Hasn't been a really great one since the most epic of all posts on Oilers Nation here:

http://flamesnation.ca/2013/1/26/gdb-04-the-battle-of-alberta

Now THAT was a truly epic post. Amazing. Maybe that was the peak of Wanye's career.

Since then its been mostly just annoying try hard stuff.

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#47 madjam
September 24 2013, 12:45PM
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The goat(s) this year will be MacT. and Eakins if we get off to a bad start .

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#48 freeze
September 24 2013, 12:48PM
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Grebs is the easy pick if he makes the team. (ALREADY ON IR!) May have to go with Fallover Jones.

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#50 Dan 1919
September 24 2013, 12:52PM
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rickithebear wrote:

Selecting the only dman first line caliber in 1. first line comp EVGA 2. Evpoints 3. EVAssists 4. PKGA 5. Hits 6. Blocks Last year!

The only Dman. Not Chara Not Weber.......on and on.

Brave to choose him.

Anyone who is going to make a goat comment about Petry should problem start the goat converstion with, "I know I am a bit of a moron but,"

Those are some pretty special stats there.

You will learn more about hockey as you actually watch it, this year you will see Petry slip into a more accurate 5/6 roll as the Oilers will actually start to show signs of being a competitive NHL team.

Ference, Schultz, Schultz, Belov, and Smid will likely all be higher ranked than Petry by the end of year because of his weak to mediocre own-zone play.

Taylor Fedun could also be a very pleasant surprise. By the end of the year the Oilers' defence core could look very different than most people expect... i.e.. guys like Nick Schultz and Petry not even playing regularly.

Anyone who mentions Petry in the same breath as Chara and Weber should start their conversation with, "I am very unintelligent and my life has been unsuccessful thus far because I choose emotion over reason when making decisions. I will not change because it is everyone else's fault I am a disappointment."

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