2013-14 GOAT SELECTION

Wanye
September 24 2013 11:38AM

Traditions are traditionally something that occur over and over and over again. Christmas. Easter. Your weird uncle telling the same three stories after a few scotches at every family gathering since the mid 90s. You come to count on them. You stand behind them. You guarantee them. 

And so goes the annual goat selection here at OilersNation.

WHAT IS A GOAT?

Many many moons ago we used to sit around with our buddies and discuss the Oilers at extreme length over poker games of extreme length. Blame would be showered on 91% of the lineup on any given night only to have the same buddies declare their undying love for the same players they were dissing the night before.

It got annoying and as the seasons ran on and the Oilers floated gently to the bottom of the league floor we decided that all the negativity needed to be contained and the braintrust of the boys decided to name a goat. The goat is the player that you blame for everything that goes wrong.

As we so eloquently explained it back in 2009:

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of shit.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

This is the way we pass the winter Nation. Until we figure out a way to keep Edmonton 24 degrees year round, this is the best we can do.

Ah 2009 Wanye. How precious you were back then. If we could only go back in time and tell you what was on the horizon in your life wearing #14 and needing only to flash a single gap toothed smile to melt your heart.

WHO HAVE BEEN PREVIOUS GOATS?

The pantheon of previous Goaterati reads like a who's who of crap. Theo Peckham, Tom Gilbert, Denis Grebeshkov (2x) Nikolai Khabibulin. They are generally overpaid, completely unsexy and whipping boys for yet another season gone awry.

We try and limit our goats to players who are paid to be impact players, expected to be impact players, projected to be impact players yet do little to help our beloved Oilers climb out of the nearly decade long hole in which they are plugged.

There is no sense naming a fourth line player or a prospect a goat. What do you expect from the guy? He is doing his best to remain in the lineup. He should be celebrated for trying to overcome long odds not heaped with scorn. For this reason ol' goatie McGrebs will be spared a record third year of being named our goat.

No Grebs its impressive that you have somehow found your way back to our remote Canadian outpost from whatever frozen Russian outpost you have been at for the past while. We wish you nothing but luck in your quest to return to the NHL. Should you land a roster spot and sign a long term deal you will be back on blast.

But for now - good luck.

AND THE WINNER IS

Jeff Petry.

We see you there Jeff. Wearing the ol' Boris Mironov #2 special. Growing out your hair to look like your presumed hero Tom Gilbert. You play a lot like Tom Gilbert too - soft as a tub of margarine left in the sun in a town square in Yemen on the hottest day of the summer.

Yeah Jeff - you are exactly like that.

Do you know where your hero Tom Gilbert is playing now? Exactly. No one knows. He hasn't been heard from in months. And if you don't start to turn the corner and cash in on all of your promise you too will be on isolation island just like your best friend Tom.

You had 5 whole points and went dash 12 last year in 35 games Jeff. That's absurd. Get ready for a year of scorn from your ol' pal Wanye.

BAAAAA

Please name your goat in the comments below and explain why he or she is the worst player in the history of organized sport.

Thursday is star day.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 Trev
September 24 2013, 12:56PM
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Zach Kassian.

If it has to be an Oiler fine....I'll go with ole 28 and his "flow".

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#52 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:59PM
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I've been saying it pretty much ever since Jones came here. He isn't an energy player. He doesn't hit, I don't care what the stats say, watch the games and point out his hits, they don't happen unless he accidently bumps into someone. He had no pedigree and still doesn't. Those "magical" 17 & 18 goal seasons everyone keeps bringing up; most of those goals came from either "goal sucking" "cheating offensively" whatever you want to call it, or from pure luck on garbage around the net off of others efforts. Not from skill or hard work. He's an okay penalty killer I'll give him that much. He seems to be an extremely likeable guy but I've never understood the love affair over him as a player.

Trash it if the truth hurts. Jones is a goat if he makes it. Jones' contract is a goat if he doesn't and clears waivers.

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#53 DSF
September 24 2013, 12:59PM
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Tom Gilbert is playing in Florida and playing well.

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#55 TOM//MTL
September 24 2013, 01:03PM
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GOAT: Ryan Jones

ASS: DSF

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#56 Hemmertime
September 24 2013, 01:10PM
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Goat: ugh... hate to do this... Smyth

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#57 geoilersgist
September 24 2013, 01:18PM
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I hate to do this to the guy but I'm sorry Jones you have been selected as my goat...

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#58 El Presidente
September 24 2013, 01:19PM
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Leslie Eberle definitely is Goat worthy for this season...

Baaaaahhhh

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#59 borisnikov
September 24 2013, 01:21PM
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An Ode to My Goat

I will castigate
Six rings scattered across ice
Forever tier two

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#60 rubbertrout
September 24 2013, 01:21PM
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Goat=Jonsey

Although if you don't even make the team can you still be a goat?

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#61 Dog Train
September 24 2013, 01:33PM
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I wanted to pick Grebs as my goat but he is apparently already hurt and having a goat who never plays (like Peckham as my goat last year) is lame.

I am going to go with Nick Schultz. At least one dman has to have a goat-calibre season and by year's end, I am guessing that our third pairing will be Belov and Larsen.

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#62 Simpsonite
September 24 2013, 01:34PM
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Wanye...you make me laugh.

Goat for the year:

Kevin. Lowe.

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#63 Dodd
September 24 2013, 01:41PM
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Jones. Though he won't be on the team, I suspect. In the absence of Jones, I think Smyth. He will once again show promise at the start of the year, but once November hits he'll be water skiing instead of back checking, and he'll lead the team (again) in "Ethan Moreau low percentage shots".

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#64 Pinto
September 24 2013, 01:43PM
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C'mon how can we have this article without the epic shot of Grebs pet goat in his uniform and skates. It just isn't this same without it.

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#65 Puritania
September 24 2013, 01:44PM
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As is my tradition, Patrick O'Sullivan is my goat. His legacy of suck is legendary. How many years in a row is this now? Four? Eat it Patrick.

Now that that is out of the way, I shall anoint Mr. Nick Schultz as my secondary horned heathen.

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#66 Quicksilver ballet
September 24 2013, 01:49PM
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TOM//MTL wrote:

Trying reading the article before you spout off

I read the title, and then try to see how the pictures apply. Who has time to read all the fine print.

Should a rookie coach really be the focus of your avatar, what are you like 10? Put the Messier stare up there, instead of your Barney the dinosaur look alike.

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#67 Dobbler
September 24 2013, 01:54PM
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I've been a reader for a few years, and not ever made a comment, so understand how strongly I feel about this...

GREBISHKOV IS A HUGE GOAT! THE BEST THE TAMBO DID WAS TO TRADE HIM! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE KLEFBOM, MARINCIN, NURSE, GET GOOD ENOUGH FAST ENOUGH TO BUMP HIM OFF THE DEPTH CHART!

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#68 David S
September 24 2013, 02:07PM
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Quicksilver ballet wrote:

Let the games begin....

Can I vote for David S?

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

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#69 alphah.
September 24 2013, 02:12PM
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Dammit WANYE you're so wrong I hate you now!

Petry will be no goat this year, he is looking good - he is on an upward trajectory.

NICK SCHULTZ is the clear goat. He does nothing good. NOTHING!

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#70 Oiler Al
September 24 2013, 02:14PM
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Goats do goofy things and can be laughable at times: My vote ... Ben Eager.

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#71 Will
September 24 2013, 02:24PM
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GOAT goes to Gagner. He was hated before, and now with his newer, larger contract, it will get even worse. He can't win a face off, a puck battle, or just a good old fashion fight which he gets into for some reason time to time. Here's hoping his jaw gets wired shut and then there's complications so everyone can watch as our one two punch of Hall and Nuge equals nothing but wins.

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#72 Bleak Winter
September 24 2013, 02:28PM
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Last year all the good whipping boys were taken, so I goated Yakupov, convinced no rookie could live up to that hype. Then he shot the freakin' lights out, just to make me look stupid.

I love the kid, I'm a believer! And dammit, for the good of the team I have to goat him again. Now he can prove me wrong with an 80 point season!

YAK!!!

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#73 Oildrop89
September 24 2013, 02:44PM
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GOAT! GOAT! GOAT!

Lord of the garbage eaters shall be...

Ales Hemsky! Only way he produces is if Hall centers his line for more than a month and dishes him sweet gold all game long.

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#74 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 02:54PM
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Labor....labro....labrell......labarbel......labreber................

Our second string goalie.....

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#75 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 02:59PM
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No Wait!

Steve Smith!.........for that "own goal" against the Flames 30 years ago.......those horns are permanent.

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#76 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 03:00PM
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Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty) wrote:

No Wait!

Steve Smith!.........for that "own goal" against the Flames 30 years ago.......those horns are permanent.

Too Soon?

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#77 Oildrop89
September 24 2013, 03:20PM
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This OODLE NOODLE backdrop makes me feel as if I'm on FlamesNation.

I respect your Oodle Noodle ventures Wanye, but make it stop!

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#78 GrillBoss
September 24 2013, 03:21PM
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Nick Schultz for goat. He wasn't great to begin with and is going downhill fast.

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#79 Hall for Captain
September 24 2013, 03:28PM
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Oildrop89 wrote:

This OODLE NOODLE backdrop makes me feel as if I'm on FlamesNation.

I respect your Oodle Noodle ventures Wanye, but make it stop!

Yeah! What's with the Calgary red on our OilersNation backdrop. UNACCEPTABLE! WANYE FIX THIS NOW!!!!

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#80 m3sh
September 24 2013, 03:36PM
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Jones, Shultz, too easy. I'll go with the complementary to Wanye's pick and take a total goat-flyer on Smid.

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#81 Smokey
September 24 2013, 03:38PM
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Giant wrote:

Hemsky

For looking lost and uninterested on the ice about 3/4 of the time.

That's still a quarter more then most of the team last year.

Re-watch the first 20 games of the year before the foot injury, and many nights he was one of the best players on the ice.

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#82 Shake_N_Bake
September 24 2013, 03:50PM
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GOAT = Ales Hemsky

The definition in the article states that the goat should be someone who is expected to do great things but doesn't. This fits Hemsky to a T.

Here we go with another year of Hemsky dipsy doodling around the offensive zone only to stop and try and find someone to pass to or something to do with the puck. The play dies on his stick yet again and the puck goes the other way.

Hemsky has been done for the last three years. Why would this one be any better?

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#83 Kodiak
September 24 2013, 04:18PM
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My goat is Gagner. He won't get as much of the gravy icetime and I can see him faltering after last years lucky streak. I don't see him scoring 50 pts.

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#85 Zamboni Driver
September 24 2013, 04:26PM
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Hemsky right up until the time he gets traded.

And sheds Smytty-level tears* saying goodbye** at the airport to the media***.

* Have to have a heart to cry, so no chance. ** Have to speak to the media. *** Media would have to haul @ss out there to 'interview' him, when really they'll all be glad.

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#86 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 04:30PM
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Will wrote:

GOAT goes to Gagner. He was hated before, and now with his newer, larger contract, it will get even worse. He can't win a face off, a puck battle, or just a good old fashion fight which he gets into for some reason time to time. Here's hoping his jaw gets wired shut and then there's complications so everyone can watch as our one two punch of Hall and Nuge equals nothing but wins.

Gagner can't win a fight you say?

According to hockeyfights.com Gagner's NHL fight record is:

3W, 2L, 2Draws

His two losses were to giants named Beachemin and Jack Johnson nonetheless.

People don't call Sam Gagner the Featherweight Champ of the NHL for nothing.

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#87 Oil_lover69
September 24 2013, 04:37PM
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If I thought Jones would make the team... I would say jones. But he wont. The whipping boy this season I think will be smyth or petry. Real sad to say smyth... But he just cant get back fast enough on the back check.

AND YOU MISSED THE BIGGEST GOAT EVER!! HOOOORRRRRRCCCOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

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#88 Alsker
September 24 2013, 05:22PM
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Well we put on waivers an obvious choice, Jones will he make the cut(I hope not) would be next so that brings us to: N. Schultz only because Hemmer shouldnt be here all season and Smitty, well, nuff said on that subject.

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#89 lostdog82
September 24 2013, 05:24PM
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Want to say Hemsky but I hope he plays well to become good trade bait. Instead I will go with Schultz Sr.

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#90 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 05:32PM
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Biggest Goat.......will definitely be.....WANYE......if Gagner doesn't get the "C"...

You think we we forgot your SCOOP!

(Wanye and Bernstein....it's got a ring to it.....who was Deep Throat?)

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#91 R-DAWG
September 24 2013, 05:38PM
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Goat=Hemsky...hate to do it but he's gonna suck it!

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#92 Walter Sobchak
September 24 2013, 05:45PM
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I pick the Oil Spice guy!

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#93 YFC Prez
September 24 2013, 05:49PM
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My goat will forever be Horcoff

Mark my words he will find his game again now that he is no longer on the oil and score six goals against us this year! Thus retaining his eternal perma-goat stature.

If it isn't Horc...the oil shall be goatless this year.

And what's with the Eberle selections?! Whacky nutjobs!

That's almost as bad as selecting Yakupov....almost.

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#94 SuntanOil
September 24 2013, 05:54PM
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Because BIG things are expected of him on an organizational level, and because he will be exposed by Eakins in a big way this year my goat is... ... ... ... Kelly Buchberger

Let's face it, if he was the head coaching genius in waiting that the old boys club wish us to believe he would have seen the flaws in Kreuger's systems and fixed them before every other coach in the league noticed them and exposed the Oil in a bad way last season.

Having to coach more than one system for Eakins? Daresay we may see the poor boys head explode from the confusion.

Good Times.

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#95 Stack Pad Save
September 24 2013, 05:54PM
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Anyone can pick a Smyth, Jones, or Hemsky, but we have 3 strait years of background information that tells us they will continue to suck. So can I pick all 3? Or can I pick the imbecile who continues to think that they can contribute to this team?

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#96 Dave "Killer" Carlson
September 24 2013, 05:56PM
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Petry is also my goat. Big expectations, won't, and didn't, deliver.

And for the record this choice was made prior to scrolling down to see Wanye's goat selection.

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#97 Oil timer
September 24 2013, 06:34PM
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Wonger for goat either he's outta jail or off his meds again.

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#98 OntariOil
September 24 2013, 06:41PM
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Dear Wanye, while I normally find your mad photoshop skillz and Eberlove to be badass and endearing its with a heavy heart that I need to name you my goat this year.

Jeff Petry is my boy, he just skates around and stops the other team from scoring, all night long. and he's doing it for dirt cheap too! Probably the best value of any non entry level deal on the team. And if you can't love him for his sick defending skills, beautiful hair and southern charm, then you're my GOAT. sorry.

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#99 Romulus' Apotheosis
September 24 2013, 07:00PM
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If Jones were to make the team, it would be him.

Since he won't.... I gotta go with my old stand-by

Cory Cross.... eff you Cory Cross.

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#100 Mo Deet
September 24 2013, 07:23PM
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Effin Petry.

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