2013-14 GOAT SELECTION

Wanye
September 24 2013 11:38AM

Traditions are traditionally something that occur over and over and over again. Christmas. Easter. Your weird uncle telling the same three stories after a few scotches at every family gathering since the mid 90s. You come to count on them. You stand behind them. You guarantee them. 

And so goes the annual goat selection here at OilersNation.

WHAT IS A GOAT?

Many many moons ago we used to sit around with our buddies and discuss the Oilers at extreme length over poker games of extreme length. Blame would be showered on 91% of the lineup on any given night only to have the same buddies declare their undying love for the same players they were dissing the night before.

It got annoying and as the seasons ran on and the Oilers floated gently to the bottom of the league floor we decided that all the negativity needed to be contained and the braintrust of the boys decided to name a goat. The goat is the player that you blame for everything that goes wrong.

As we so eloquently explained it back in 2009:

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of shit.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

This is the way we pass the winter Nation. Until we figure out a way to keep Edmonton 24 degrees year round, this is the best we can do.

Ah 2009 Wanye. How precious you were back then. If we could only go back in time and tell you what was on the horizon in your life wearing #14 and needing only to flash a single gap toothed smile to melt your heart.

WHO HAVE BEEN PREVIOUS GOATS?

The pantheon of previous Goaterati reads like a who's who of crap. Theo Peckham, Tom Gilbert, Denis Grebeshkov (2x) Nikolai Khabibulin. They are generally overpaid, completely unsexy and whipping boys for yet another season gone awry.

We try and limit our goats to players who are paid to be impact players, expected to be impact players, projected to be impact players yet do little to help our beloved Oilers climb out of the nearly decade long hole in which they are plugged.

There is no sense naming a fourth line player or a prospect a goat. What do you expect from the guy? He is doing his best to remain in the lineup. He should be celebrated for trying to overcome long odds not heaped with scorn. For this reason ol' goatie McGrebs will be spared a record third year of being named our goat.

No Grebs its impressive that you have somehow found your way back to our remote Canadian outpost from whatever frozen Russian outpost you have been at for the past while. We wish you nothing but luck in your quest to return to the NHL. Should you land a roster spot and sign a long term deal you will be back on blast.

But for now - good luck.

AND THE WINNER IS

Jeff Petry.

We see you there Jeff. Wearing the ol' Boris Mironov #2 special. Growing out your hair to look like your presumed hero Tom Gilbert. You play a lot like Tom Gilbert too - soft as a tub of margarine left in the sun in a town square in Yemen on the hottest day of the summer.

Yeah Jeff - you are exactly like that.

Do you know where your hero Tom Gilbert is playing now? Exactly. No one knows. He hasn't been heard from in months. And if you don't start to turn the corner and cash in on all of your promise you too will be on isolation island just like your best friend Tom.

You had 5 whole points and went dash 12 last year in 35 games Jeff. That's absurd. Get ready for a year of scorn from your ol' pal Wanye.

BAAAAA

Please name your goat in the comments below and explain why he or she is the worst player in the history of organized sport.

Thursday is star day.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#3 Bi-Curious Gord
September 24 2013, 01:03PM
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GOAT: Ryan Jones

ASS: DSF

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#4 Hall for Captain
September 24 2013, 12:30PM
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Goat = DSF. Hands down.

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#6 2004Z06
September 24 2013, 12:16PM
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I vote Shawn Horcoff....Oh wait...

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#7 Bryan in SK
September 24 2013, 12:14PM
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Oilers pro scouts. Baaaaaaaaaaaa.

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#8 rickithebear
September 24 2013, 12:16PM
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Selecting the only dman first line caliber in 1. first line comp EVGA 2. Evpoints 3. EVAssists 4. PKGA 5. Hits 6. Blocks Last year!

The only Dman. Not Chara Not Weber.......on and on.

Brave to choose him.

Anyone who is going to make a goat comment about Petry should problem start the goat converstion with, "I know I am a bit of a moron but,"

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#10 Next up, is Connor McJesus.
September 24 2013, 12:17PM
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Let the games begin....

Can I vote for David S?

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#11 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 02:59PM
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No Wait!

Steve Smith!.........for that "own goal" against the Flames 30 years ago.......those horns are permanent.

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#12 Truth
September 24 2013, 11:47AM
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Devan Dubnyk - For letting in a minimum of one soft goal per game this season. Has been his MO since Junior and hasn't changed.

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#14 DSF
September 24 2013, 12:59PM
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Tom Gilbert is playing in Florida and playing well.

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#15 vetinari
September 24 2013, 11:56AM
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My former favorite-- Ryan Smyth. He broke our hearts when he selfishly refused to sign for a pittance less money and forced ol' Six Rings and co. to trade him to Fantasy Island only to work himself back to the true north, out of energy, and unable to skate the length of the ice without needing an oxygen tank and a walker. He also became one of the three points of the notorious Belanger triangle and has since been upended by newer, shinier toys on the Oiler roster. Ryan Smith. My former favorite. My goat.

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#16 Next up, is Connor McJesus.
September 24 2013, 12:15PM
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Just throwing this out there....

Grabeshkov?

Can't believe he didn't make it in the first 20.

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#17 Simpsonite
September 24 2013, 01:34PM
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Wanye...you make me laugh.

Goat for the year:

Kevin. Lowe.

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#18 DieHard
September 24 2013, 11:54AM
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Ryan Jones - Too slow and does not hit.

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#19 Dalg
September 24 2013, 11:51AM
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I think Smitty will do just fine for goat status.

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#20 Wax Man Riley
September 24 2013, 11:52AM
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Here he is... Wax Man's goat for the magical 2013-2014 season........

Ryan Jones.

Making more money than Jesus at $1.5 MILLION!! You sir are my goat for the year. You once scored 17 and 18 Ginos, but I have watched you shovel the puck out of the corner right on an opposing defender's stick one too many times (and by my count, last year was 48 times... so maybe 45 too many times).

You are here to provide some grit. some jam, some sandpaper, some truculence. The only thing you provide is a lot of hurried chaos without getting much done.

Ryan Jones. Your hunting buddy SMac is back, but you will have more time to work on your shooting, when you should be working on your shot.

You sir, are my goat.

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#21 Giant
September 24 2013, 12:08PM
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Hemsky

For looking lost and uninterested on the ice about 3/4 of the time.

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#22 Todd
September 24 2013, 12:42PM
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I vote Wanye as goat. I used to find the posts entertaining, but meh.

Hasn't been a really great one since the most epic of all posts on Oilers Nation here:

http://flamesnation.ca/2013/1/26/gdb-04-the-battle-of-alberta

Now THAT was a truly epic post. Amazing. Maybe that was the peak of Wanye's career.

Since then its been mostly just annoying try hard stuff.

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#23 Puritania
September 24 2013, 01:44PM
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As is my tradition, Patrick O'Sullivan is my goat. His legacy of suck is legendary. How many years in a row is this now? Four? Eat it Patrick.

Now that that is out of the way, I shall anoint Mr. Nick Schultz as my secondary horned heathen.

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#25 Spydyr
September 24 2013, 11:57AM
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Ryan Smyth

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#26 borisnikov
September 24 2013, 01:21PM
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An Ode to My Goat

I will castigate
Six rings scattered across ice
Forever tier two

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#27 Bleak Winter
September 24 2013, 02:28PM
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Last year all the good whipping boys were taken, so I goated Yakupov, convinced no rookie could live up to that hype. Then he shot the freakin' lights out, just to make me look stupid.

I love the kid, I'm a believer! And dammit, for the good of the team I have to goat him again. Now he can prove me wrong with an 80 point season!

YAK!!!

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#28 Oildrop89
September 24 2013, 03:20PM
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This OODLE NOODLE backdrop makes me feel as if I'm on FlamesNation.

I respect your Oodle Noodle ventures Wanye, but make it stop!

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#29 David S
September 24 2013, 12:11PM
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This thread could easily go off the rails REAL FAST!

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#30 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:59PM
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I've been saying it pretty much ever since Jones came here. He isn't an energy player. He doesn't hit, I don't care what the stats say, watch the games and point out his hits, they don't happen unless he accidently bumps into someone. He had no pedigree and still doesn't. Those "magical" 17 & 18 goal seasons everyone keeps bringing up; most of those goals came from either "goal sucking" "cheating offensively" whatever you want to call it, or from pure luck on garbage around the net off of others efforts. Not from skill or hard work. He's an okay penalty killer I'll give him that much. He seems to be an extremely likeable guy but I've never understood the love affair over him as a player.

Trash it if the truth hurts. Jones is a goat if he makes it. Jones' contract is a goat if he doesn't and clears waivers.

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#31 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 02:54PM
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Labor....labro....labrell......labarbel......labreber................

Our second string goalie.....

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#32 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 03:00PM
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Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty) wrote:

No Wait!

Steve Smith!.........for that "own goal" against the Flames 30 years ago.......those horns are permanent.

Too Soon?

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#33 Bi-Curious Gord
September 24 2013, 12:37PM
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Next up, is Connor McJesus. wrote:

Just throwing this out there....

Grabeshkov?

Can't believe he didn't make it in the first 20.

Trying reading the article before you spout off

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#34 The Hall Way
September 24 2013, 12:41PM
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Does Ryan Jones count if he doesnt make the team and is picked up by Florida on waivers?!

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#35 Hemmertime
September 24 2013, 01:10PM
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Goat: ugh... hate to do this... Smyth

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#36 Dog Train
September 24 2013, 01:33PM
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I wanted to pick Grebs as my goat but he is apparently already hurt and having a goat who never plays (like Peckham as my goat last year) is lame.

I am going to go with Nick Schultz. At least one dman has to have a goat-calibre season and by year's end, I am guessing that our third pairing will be Belov and Larsen.

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#37 Dodd
September 24 2013, 01:41PM
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Jones. Though he won't be on the team, I suspect. In the absence of Jones, I think Smyth. He will once again show promise at the start of the year, but once November hits he'll be water skiing instead of back checking, and he'll lead the team (again) in "Ethan Moreau low percentage shots".

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#38 Oildrop89
September 24 2013, 02:44PM
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GOAT! GOAT! GOAT!

Lord of the garbage eaters shall be...

Ales Hemsky! Only way he produces is if Hall centers his line for more than a month and dishes him sweet gold all game long.

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#39 Hall for Captain
September 24 2013, 03:28PM
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Oildrop89 wrote:

This OODLE NOODLE backdrop makes me feel as if I'm on FlamesNation.

I respect your Oodle Noodle ventures Wanye, but make it stop!

Yeah! What's with the Calgary red on our OilersNation backdrop. UNACCEPTABLE! WANYE FIX THIS NOW!!!!

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#40 Archaeologuy
September 25 2013, 01:04PM
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My goat selector is broken. It keeps choosing Omark.

*Shakes Goat Selector*

He isnt even on the team you stupid piece of crap!

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#41 Aron S
September 24 2013, 11:45AM
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My FIST goat? Ryan Jones.

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#42 BigBurgers
September 24 2013, 11:46AM
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goats! NSchultz...

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#43 russ99
September 24 2013, 11:54AM
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I should have gotten some bonus points last year with the ridiculously overhyped Teemu Hartikainen as my goat pick.

This year is tough. Nobody stands out. Can't pick Gagner after the jaw and it would be counter-productive to pick one of Perron, Gordon or Hemsky, the obvious candidates.

Discounting out new goon squad of Brown, MacIntyre and Eager, I have to go with Dubnyk, and hope I'm wrong.

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#44 Chilly Canadian
September 24 2013, 11:59AM
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I look forward to the goat/star all offseason.

Mine - Hemsky. The obvious choice.

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#45 OilSavage
September 24 2013, 12:02PM
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My Goat for the year?

Jordan Eberle.

Kid is a showboat and has cost the Oilers plenty of games with his showboating.

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#46 Wax Man Riley
September 24 2013, 12:09PM
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Wanye wrote:

WHAT IN THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU

Pay no attention....

Absinthe before noon will do that to you.

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#47 Dan 1919
September 24 2013, 12:09PM
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I agree, Petry needs to make all of this overhyped potential a reality.

Why's he so overrated anyway, he can skate fast and pass the puck hard sometimes... so can Belanger.

Us poor Oiler fans have gotten so use to the bottom that when we have a 6/7 NHL defencemen playing the 1/2 spot, we eventually just start believing he actually is 1/2 caliber.

I hope he turns into a great d-man, but as of last year he was the most overhyped player on the Oilers since Schremp.

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#48 PrimeBane
September 24 2013, 12:18PM
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Why does everyone still pick on poor Bo-bo :(

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#49 ricikthebear
September 24 2013, 12:19PM
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Dan overhyped! yeah Chara who could not achieve what petry did last year is overhyped too! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! there are alot of TOronto media trained hockey experts on here.

Overhyped!

Crosby! is overhyped too! right DAN!

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#50 Czar
September 24 2013, 12:41PM
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I'll pick Grebs with an honorable mention to Bucky & Smith.

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