2013-14 GOAT SELECTION

Wanye
September 24 2013 11:38AM

Traditions are traditionally something that occur over and over and over again. Christmas. Easter. Your weird uncle telling the same three stories after a few scotches at every family gathering since the mid 90s. You come to count on them. You stand behind them. You guarantee them. 

And so goes the annual goat selection here at OilersNation.

WHAT IS A GOAT?

Many many moons ago we used to sit around with our buddies and discuss the Oilers at extreme length over poker games of extreme length. Blame would be showered on 91% of the lineup on any given night only to have the same buddies declare their undying love for the same players they were dissing the night before.

It got annoying and as the seasons ran on and the Oilers floated gently to the bottom of the league floor we decided that all the negativity needed to be contained and the braintrust of the boys decided to name a goat. The goat is the player that you blame for everything that goes wrong.

As we so eloquently explained it back in 2009:

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of shit.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

This is the way we pass the winter Nation. Until we figure out a way to keep Edmonton 24 degrees year round, this is the best we can do.

Ah 2009 Wanye. How precious you were back then. If we could only go back in time and tell you what was on the horizon in your life wearing #14 and needing only to flash a single gap toothed smile to melt your heart.

WHO HAVE BEEN PREVIOUS GOATS?

The pantheon of previous Goaterati reads like a who's who of crap. Theo Peckham, Tom Gilbert, Denis Grebeshkov (2x) Nikolai Khabibulin. They are generally overpaid, completely unsexy and whipping boys for yet another season gone awry.

We try and limit our goats to players who are paid to be impact players, expected to be impact players, projected to be impact players yet do little to help our beloved Oilers climb out of the nearly decade long hole in which they are plugged.

There is no sense naming a fourth line player or a prospect a goat. What do you expect from the guy? He is doing his best to remain in the lineup. He should be celebrated for trying to overcome long odds not heaped with scorn. For this reason ol' goatie McGrebs will be spared a record third year of being named our goat.

No Grebs its impressive that you have somehow found your way back to our remote Canadian outpost from whatever frozen Russian outpost you have been at for the past while. We wish you nothing but luck in your quest to return to the NHL. Should you land a roster spot and sign a long term deal you will be back on blast.

But for now - good luck.

AND THE WINNER IS

Jeff Petry.

We see you there Jeff. Wearing the ol' Boris Mironov #2 special. Growing out your hair to look like your presumed hero Tom Gilbert. You play a lot like Tom Gilbert too - soft as a tub of margarine left in the sun in a town square in Yemen on the hottest day of the summer.

Yeah Jeff - you are exactly like that.

Do you know where your hero Tom Gilbert is playing now? Exactly. No one knows. He hasn't been heard from in months. And if you don't start to turn the corner and cash in on all of your promise you too will be on isolation island just like your best friend Tom.

You had 5 whole points and went dash 12 last year in 35 games Jeff. That's absurd. Get ready for a year of scorn from your ol' pal Wanye.

BAAAAA

Please name your goat in the comments below and explain why he or she is the worst player in the history of organized sport.

Thursday is star day.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
Avatar
#51 El Presidente
September 24 2013, 01:19PM
Trash it!
13
trashes
+1
4
props

Leslie Eberle definitely is Goat worthy for this season...

Baaaaahhhh

Avatar
#52 Quicksilver ballet
September 24 2013, 01:49PM
Trash it!
7
trashes
+1
4
props
TOM//MTL wrote:

Trying reading the article before you spout off

I read the title, and then try to see how the pictures apply. Who has time to read all the fine print.

Should a rookie coach really be the focus of your avatar, what are you like 10? Put the Messier stare up there, instead of your Barney the dinosaur look alike.

Avatar
#53 Smokey
September 24 2013, 03:38PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
+1
4
props
Giant wrote:

Hemsky

For looking lost and uninterested on the ice about 3/4 of the time.

That's still a quarter more then most of the team last year.

Re-watch the first 20 games of the year before the foot injury, and many nights he was one of the best players on the ice.

Avatar
#54 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:39AM
Trash it!
4
trashes
+1
4
props
Giant wrote:

Hemsky

For looking lost and uninterested on the ice about 3/4 of the time.

I hate you

Avatar
#55 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:40AM
Trash it!
5
trashes
+1
4
props
Oildrop89 wrote:

GOAT! GOAT! GOAT!

Lord of the garbage eaters shall be...

Ales Hemsky! Only way he produces is if Hall centers his line for more than a month and dishes him sweet gold all game long.

I hate you

Avatar
#56 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:41AM
Trash it!
4
trashes
+1
4
props
Shake_N_Bake wrote:

GOAT = Ales Hemsky

The definition in the article states that the goat should be someone who is expected to do great things but doesn't. This fits Hemsky to a T.

Here we go with another year of Hemsky dipsy doodling around the offensive zone only to stop and try and find someone to pass to or something to do with the puck. The play dies on his stick yet again and the puck goes the other way.

Hemsky has been done for the last three years. Why would this one be any better?

I hate you

Avatar
#57 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:42AM
Trash it!
4
trashes
+1
4
props
lostdog82 wrote:

Want to say Hemsky but I hope he plays well to become good trade bait. Instead I will go with Schultz Sr.

I hate you

Avatar
#58 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:46AM
Trash it!
5
trashes
+1
4
props
Smokey wrote:

That's still a quarter more then most of the team last year.

Re-watch the first 20 games of the year before the foot injury, and many nights he was one of the best players on the ice.

I love you

Avatar
#59 DaveChamp
September 24 2013, 11:54AM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
3
props
BigBurgers wrote:

goats! NSchultz...

I'm also gonna go with Nick Schultz. He was traded to replace the goat and now looks slow and contributes nothing offensively.

I hate picking goats and think it's actually a pretty bad thing to do which gives merit to everything people say about Oilers fans, but if we're going to do it, I'm gonna pick Schultz.

Avatar
#60 Oil Fan in Ottawa
September 24 2013, 12:04PM
Trash it!
61
trashes
+1
3
props

My 2013-14 Goat is....Jordan Leslie Eberle. Shower me with your trash but I do not see him living up to a $6M salary and thus receives my scorn. Bahhhhhhh!!!!

Avatar
#61 Oilers Ninja
September 24 2013, 12:17PM
Trash it!
13
trashes
+1
3
props

My Goat this year is Boyd Gordon... he is a bona fide mucker and will have a tough time living up to his contract that stands 3 sheets high per season.

Go get em Gordo I hope you prove me wrong!!!!

Avatar
#62 phreebassist
September 24 2013, 12:22PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
+1
3
props

My goat is the other teams that will beat us. Like screw you guys

Avatar
#63 2004Z06
September 24 2013, 12:26PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

I think Jones is on the outside looking in too.

Avatar
#64 oilerjed
September 24 2013, 12:27PM
Trash it!
11
trashes
+1
3
props

I would have to say Hemsky, but Im not sure he qualifies under your guidelines. Is he really expected to produce? Im gonna do it anyway

Goat Supreme = Hemsky Let him eat grass!

Avatar
#65 Dan the Man
September 24 2013, 12:35PM
Trash it!
6
trashes
+1
3
props

Sadly I have to go with Smytty.

Avatar
#66 jbomb
September 24 2013, 12:37PM
Trash it!
9
trashes
+1
3
props

Justin Shultz. Everytime he's on the ice for a goal I blame him

Avatar
#67 madjam
September 24 2013, 12:45PM
Trash it!
4
trashes
+1
3
props

The goat(s) this year will be MacT. and Eakins if we get off to a bad start .

Avatar
#68 Dan 1919
September 24 2013, 12:52PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
+1
3
props
rickithebear wrote:

Selecting the only dman first line caliber in 1. first line comp EVGA 2. Evpoints 3. EVAssists 4. PKGA 5. Hits 6. Blocks Last year!

The only Dman. Not Chara Not Weber.......on and on.

Brave to choose him.

Anyone who is going to make a goat comment about Petry should problem start the goat converstion with, "I know I am a bit of a moron but,"

Those are some pretty special stats there.

You will learn more about hockey as you actually watch it, this year you will see Petry slip into a more accurate 5/6 roll as the Oilers will actually start to show signs of being a competitive NHL team.

Ference, Schultz, Schultz, Belov, and Smid will likely all be higher ranked than Petry by the end of year because of his weak to mediocre own-zone play.

Taylor Fedun could also be a very pleasant surprise. By the end of the year the Oilers' defence core could look very different than most people expect... i.e.. guys like Nick Schultz and Petry not even playing regularly.

Anyone who mentions Petry in the same breath as Chara and Weber should start their conversation with, "I am very unintelligent and my life has been unsuccessful thus far because I choose emotion over reason when making decisions. I will not change because it is everyone else's fault I am a disappointment."

Avatar
#69 Trev
September 24 2013, 12:56PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
3
props

Zach Kassian.

If it has to be an Oiler fine....I'll go with ole 28 and his "flow".

Avatar
#70 rubbertrout
September 24 2013, 01:21PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

Goat=Jonsey

Although if you don't even make the team can you still be a goat?

Avatar
#71 Pinto
September 24 2013, 01:43PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

C'mon how can we have this article without the epic shot of Grebs pet goat in his uniform and skates. It just isn't this same without it.

Avatar
#72 alphah.
September 24 2013, 02:12PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
3
props

Dammit WANYE you're so wrong I hate you now!

Petry will be no goat this year, he is looking good - he is on an upward trajectory.

NICK SCHULTZ is the clear goat. He does nothing good. NOTHING!

Avatar
#73 Will
September 24 2013, 02:24PM
Trash it!
17
trashes
+1
3
props

GOAT goes to Gagner. He was hated before, and now with his newer, larger contract, it will get even worse. He can't win a face off, a puck battle, or just a good old fashion fight which he gets into for some reason time to time. Here's hoping his jaw gets wired shut and then there's complications so everyone can watch as our one two punch of Hall and Nuge equals nothing but wins.

Avatar
#74 GrillBoss
September 24 2013, 03:21PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
3
props

Nick Schultz for goat. He wasn't great to begin with and is going downhill fast.

Avatar
#75 Shake_N_Bake
September 24 2013, 03:50PM
Trash it!
7
trashes
+1
3
props

GOAT = Ales Hemsky

The definition in the article states that the goat should be someone who is expected to do great things but doesn't. This fits Hemsky to a T.

Here we go with another year of Hemsky dipsy doodling around the offensive zone only to stop and try and find someone to pass to or something to do with the puck. The play dies on his stick yet again and the puck goes the other way.

Hemsky has been done for the last three years. Why would this one be any better?

Avatar
#76 Kodiak
September 24 2013, 04:18PM
Trash it!
3
trashes
+1
3
props

My goat is Gagner. He won't get as much of the gravy icetime and I can see him faltering after last years lucky streak. I don't see him scoring 50 pts.

Avatar
#77 Zamboni Driver
September 24 2013, 04:26PM
Trash it!
7
trashes
+1
3
props

Hemsky right up until the time he gets traded.

And sheds Smytty-level tears* saying goodbye** at the airport to the media***.

* Have to have a heart to cry, so no chance. ** Have to speak to the media. *** Media would have to haul @ss out there to 'interview' him, when really they'll all be glad.

Avatar
#78 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 04:30PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
3
props
Will wrote:

GOAT goes to Gagner. He was hated before, and now with his newer, larger contract, it will get even worse. He can't win a face off, a puck battle, or just a good old fashion fight which he gets into for some reason time to time. Here's hoping his jaw gets wired shut and then there's complications so everyone can watch as our one two punch of Hall and Nuge equals nothing but wins.

Gagner can't win a fight you say?

According to hockeyfights.com Gagner's NHL fight record is:

3W, 2L, 2Draws

His two losses were to giants named Beachemin and Jack Johnson nonetheless.

People don't call Sam Gagner the Featherweight Champ of the NHL for nothing.

Avatar
#79 Oil_lover69
September 24 2013, 04:37PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
3
props

If I thought Jones would make the team... I would say jones. But he wont. The whipping boy this season I think will be smyth or petry. Real sad to say smyth... But he just cant get back fast enough on the back check.

AND YOU MISSED THE BIGGEST GOAT EVER!! HOOOORRRRRRCCCOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

Avatar
#80 The rookie
September 24 2013, 07:33PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
3
props

Goat: the Belanger triangle, although the man is gone, those whom played the most with him will still feel the lingering affects.

Avatar
#81 David S
September 24 2013, 07:40PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
3
props

Man do I miss the days of Wanye's epic MS Paint adventures.

WHY YOU NO MS PAINT NO MORE WANYE???

Avatar
#82 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:38AM
Trash it!
4
trashes
+1
3
props
Chilly Canadian wrote:

I look forward to the goat/star all offseason.

Mine - Hemsky. The obvious choice.

I hate you.

Avatar
#83 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:39AM
Trash it!
5
trashes
+1
3
props
oilerjed wrote:

I would have to say Hemsky, but Im not sure he qualifies under your guidelines. Is he really expected to produce? Im gonna do it anyway

Goat Supreme = Hemsky Let him eat grass!

I hate you

Avatar
#84 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:43AM
Trash it!
4
trashes
+1
3
props
R-DAWG wrote:

Goat=Hemsky...hate to do it but he's gonna suck it!

I hate you

Avatar
#85 Ducey
September 24 2013, 12:09PM
Trash it!
14
trashes
+1
2
props

SMac.

A nuclear deterrent that will likely spend most of his time in silo.

Avatar
#86 tileguy
September 24 2013, 12:16PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
2
props

should be a stipulation that the player has to make the team (all you Jones haters)

Avatar
#87 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:24PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
2
props

I agree on both Petry and Ryan Jones, though it's starting to look like Jones shouldn't even make the team! I hope I'm wrong and that there are no goats this year!!

Avatar
#88 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:25PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
2
props
PrimeBane wrote:

Why does everyone still pick on poor Bo-bo :(

Boris means Norris doesn't it? At least that's what we used to say haha.

Avatar
#89 Death Metal Nightmare
September 24 2013, 12:31PM
Trash it!
15
trashes
+1
2
props

Gagner - cause he gets 5 mil a year and sucks pretty bad unless there are players on his wing to carry him to any success. a true captain - i mean - paper tiger.

Jones is too easy. no one expects much out of his game. he's teetering on even making the team. pass.

we already seen Petry's Squirt level antics last year in the game where he chased whoever behind the net to blow the game. not expecting much out of him for his price.

Avatar
#90 freeze
September 24 2013, 12:48PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
2
props

Grebs is the easy pick if he makes the team. (ALREADY ON IR!) May have to go with Fallover Jones.

Avatar
#91 Dobbler
September 24 2013, 01:54PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
2
props

I've been a reader for a few years, and not ever made a comment, so understand how strongly I feel about this...

GREBISHKOV IS A HUGE GOAT! THE BEST THE TAMBO DID WAS TO TRADE HIM! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE KLEFBOM, MARINCIN, NURSE, GET GOOD ENOUGH FAST ENOUGH TO BUMP HIM OFF THE DEPTH CHART!

Avatar
#92 m3sh
September 24 2013, 03:36PM
Trash it!
2
trashes
+1
2
props

Jones, Shultz, too easy. I'll go with the complementary to Wanye's pick and take a total goat-flyer on Smid.

Avatar
#93 R-DAWG
September 24 2013, 05:38PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
2
props

Goat=Hemsky...hate to do it but he's gonna suck it!

Avatar
#94 SuntanOil
September 24 2013, 05:54PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
2
props

Because BIG things are expected of him on an organizational level, and because he will be exposed by Eakins in a big way this year my goat is... ... ... ... Kelly Buchberger

Let's face it, if he was the head coaching genius in waiting that the old boys club wish us to believe he would have seen the flaws in Kreuger's systems and fixed them before every other coach in the league noticed them and exposed the Oil in a bad way last season.

Having to coach more than one system for Eakins? Daresay we may see the poor boys head explode from the confusion.

Good Times.

Avatar
#95 Stack Pad Save
September 24 2013, 05:54PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
2
props

Anyone can pick a Smyth, Jones, or Hemsky, but we have 3 strait years of background information that tells us they will continue to suck. So can I pick all 3? Or can I pick the imbecile who continues to think that they can contribute to this team?

Avatar
#96 Travis Dakin
September 25 2013, 12:38AM
Trash it!
5
trashes
+1
2
props

My goat for 2013-14 is....

ALES HEMSKY

hahah just kidding.

Totally going with DAVID PERRON. Just because he's new. I hate new.

Avatar
#97 smiliegirl15
September 25 2013, 05:04PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
2
props

Petry is a pretty good choice but I'm thinking Ryan Smyth. I hate to do it but I think he's just going to disappoint my high hopes.

Avatar
#98 VK63
September 24 2013, 12:15PM
Trash it!
4
trashes
+1
1
props

Leslie?

bwahahahahahaha!

Avatar
#99 geoilersgist
September 24 2013, 01:18PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
1
props

I hate to do this to the guy but I'm sorry Jones you have been selected as my goat...

Avatar
#100 David S
September 24 2013, 02:07PM
Trash it!
1
trashes
+1
1
props
Quicksilver ballet wrote:

Let the games begin....

Can I vote for David S?

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

Comments are closed for this article.