2013-14 GOAT SELECTION

Wanye
September 24 2013 11:38AM

Traditions are traditionally something that occur over and over and over again. Christmas. Easter. Your weird uncle telling the same three stories after a few scotches at every family gathering since the mid 90s. You come to count on them. You stand behind them. You guarantee them. 

And so goes the annual goat selection here at OilersNation.

WHAT IS A GOAT?

Many many moons ago we used to sit around with our buddies and discuss the Oilers at extreme length over poker games of extreme length. Blame would be showered on 91% of the lineup on any given night only to have the same buddies declare their undying love for the same players they were dissing the night before.

It got annoying and as the seasons ran on and the Oilers floated gently to the bottom of the league floor we decided that all the negativity needed to be contained and the braintrust of the boys decided to name a goat. The goat is the player that you blame for everything that goes wrong.

As we so eloquently explained it back in 2009:

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of shit.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

This is the way we pass the winter Nation. Until we figure out a way to keep Edmonton 24 degrees year round, this is the best we can do.

Ah 2009 Wanye. How precious you were back then. If we could only go back in time and tell you what was on the horizon in your life wearing #14 and needing only to flash a single gap toothed smile to melt your heart.

WHO HAVE BEEN PREVIOUS GOATS?

The pantheon of previous Goaterati reads like a who's who of crap. Theo Peckham, Tom Gilbert, Denis Grebeshkov (2x) Nikolai Khabibulin. They are generally overpaid, completely unsexy and whipping boys for yet another season gone awry.

We try and limit our goats to players who are paid to be impact players, expected to be impact players, projected to be impact players yet do little to help our beloved Oilers climb out of the nearly decade long hole in which they are plugged.

There is no sense naming a fourth line player or a prospect a goat. What do you expect from the guy? He is doing his best to remain in the lineup. He should be celebrated for trying to overcome long odds not heaped with scorn. For this reason ol' goatie McGrebs will be spared a record third year of being named our goat.

No Grebs its impressive that you have somehow found your way back to our remote Canadian outpost from whatever frozen Russian outpost you have been at for the past while. We wish you nothing but luck in your quest to return to the NHL. Should you land a roster spot and sign a long term deal you will be back on blast.

But for now - good luck.

AND THE WINNER IS

Jeff Petry.

We see you there Jeff. Wearing the ol' Boris Mironov #2 special. Growing out your hair to look like your presumed hero Tom Gilbert. You play a lot like Tom Gilbert too - soft as a tub of margarine left in the sun in a town square in Yemen on the hottest day of the summer.

Yeah Jeff - you are exactly like that.

Do you know where your hero Tom Gilbert is playing now? Exactly. No one knows. He hasn't been heard from in months. And if you don't start to turn the corner and cash in on all of your promise you too will be on isolation island just like your best friend Tom.

You had 5 whole points and went dash 12 last year in 35 games Jeff. That's absurd. Get ready for a year of scorn from your ol' pal Wanye.

BAAAAA

Please name your goat in the comments below and explain why he or she is the worst player in the history of organized sport.

Thursday is star day.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#52 Kodiak
September 24 2013, 04:18PM
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My goat is Gagner. He won't get as much of the gravy icetime and I can see him faltering after last years lucky streak. I don't see him scoring 50 pts.

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#53 Light, Sweet, Crude
September 26 2013, 10:45AM
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Justin "the goat" Schultz

This nerd is gonna be exposed.

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#54 BigBurgers
September 24 2013, 11:46AM
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goats! NSchultz...

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#55 DieHard
September 24 2013, 11:54AM
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Ryan Jones - Too slow and does not hit.

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#56 Quicksilver ballet
September 24 2013, 12:17PM
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Let the games begin....

Can I vote for David S?

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#57 ricikthebear
September 24 2013, 12:19PM
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Dan overhyped! yeah Chara who could not achieve what petry did last year is overhyped too! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! there are alot of TOronto media trained hockey experts on here.

Overhyped!

Crosby! is overhyped too! right DAN!

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#58 phreebassist
September 24 2013, 12:22PM
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My goat is the other teams that will beat us. Like screw you guys

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#59 tileguy
September 24 2013, 12:29PM
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"The ultimate trololo mashup" gonna play that sucker all day at work til i can recite the words forwards and backwards. Thanks Wayne for puttin that song in my head.

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#60 Dan 1919
September 24 2013, 12:52PM
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rickithebear wrote:

Selecting the only dman first line caliber in 1. first line comp EVGA 2. Evpoints 3. EVAssists 4. PKGA 5. Hits 6. Blocks Last year!

The only Dman. Not Chara Not Weber.......on and on.

Brave to choose him.

Anyone who is going to make a goat comment about Petry should problem start the goat converstion with, "I know I am a bit of a moron but,"

Those are some pretty special stats there.

You will learn more about hockey as you actually watch it, this year you will see Petry slip into a more accurate 5/6 roll as the Oilers will actually start to show signs of being a competitive NHL team.

Ference, Schultz, Schultz, Belov, and Smid will likely all be higher ranked than Petry by the end of year because of his weak to mediocre own-zone play.

Taylor Fedun could also be a very pleasant surprise. By the end of the year the Oilers' defence core could look very different than most people expect... i.e.. guys like Nick Schultz and Petry not even playing regularly.

Anyone who mentions Petry in the same breath as Chara and Weber should start their conversation with, "I am very unintelligent and my life has been unsuccessful thus far because I choose emotion over reason when making decisions. I will not change because it is everyone else's fault I am a disappointment."

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#61 Dodd
September 24 2013, 01:41PM
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Jones. Though he won't be on the team, I suspect. In the absence of Jones, I think Smyth. He will once again show promise at the start of the year, but once November hits he'll be water skiing instead of back checking, and he'll lead the team (again) in "Ethan Moreau low percentage shots".

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#62 Hall for Captain
September 24 2013, 03:28PM
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Oildrop89 wrote:

This OODLE NOODLE backdrop makes me feel as if I'm on FlamesNation.

I respect your Oodle Noodle ventures Wanye, but make it stop!

Yeah! What's with the Calgary red on our OilersNation backdrop. UNACCEPTABLE! WANYE FIX THIS NOW!!!!

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#63 m3sh
September 24 2013, 03:36PM
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Jones, Shultz, too easy. I'll go with the complementary to Wanye's pick and take a total goat-flyer on Smid.

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#64 Smokey
September 24 2013, 03:38PM
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Giant wrote:

Hemsky

For looking lost and uninterested on the ice about 3/4 of the time.

That's still a quarter more then most of the team last year.

Re-watch the first 20 games of the year before the foot injury, and many nights he was one of the best players on the ice.

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#67 DaveChamp
September 24 2013, 11:54AM
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BigBurgers wrote:

goats! NSchultz...

I'm also gonna go with Nick Schultz. He was traded to replace the goat and now looks slow and contributes nothing offensively.

I hate picking goats and think it's actually a pretty bad thing to do which gives merit to everything people say about Oilers fans, but if we're going to do it, I'm gonna pick Schultz.

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#68 Bryan in SK
September 24 2013, 12:14PM
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Oilers pro scouts. Baaaaaaaaaaaa.

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#69 tileguy
September 24 2013, 12:16PM
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should be a stipulation that the player has to make the team (all you Jones haters)

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#70 2004Z06
September 24 2013, 12:16PM
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I vote Shawn Horcoff....Oh wait...

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#71 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:24PM
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I agree on both Petry and Ryan Jones, though it's starting to look like Jones shouldn't even make the team! I hope I'm wrong and that there are no goats this year!!

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#72 Bi-Curious Gord
September 24 2013, 12:37PM
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Quicksilver ballet wrote:

Just throwing this out there....

Grabeshkov?

Can't believe he didn't make it in the first 20.

Trying reading the article before you spout off

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#73 Trev
September 24 2013, 12:56PM
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Zach Kassian.

If it has to be an Oiler fine....I'll go with ole 28 and his "flow".

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#74 geoilersgist
September 24 2013, 01:18PM
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I hate to do this to the guy but I'm sorry Jones you have been selected as my goat...

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#75 Simpsonite
September 24 2013, 01:34PM
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Wanye...you make me laugh.

Goat for the year:

Kevin. Lowe.

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#76 Puritania
September 24 2013, 01:44PM
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As is my tradition, Patrick O'Sullivan is my goat. His legacy of suck is legendary. How many years in a row is this now? Four? Eat it Patrick.

Now that that is out of the way, I shall anoint Mr. Nick Schultz as my secondary horned heathen.

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#77 David S
September 24 2013, 02:07PM
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Quicksilver ballet wrote:

Let the games begin....

Can I vote for David S?

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!

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#78 alphah.
September 24 2013, 02:12PM
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Dammit WANYE you're so wrong I hate you now!

Petry will be no goat this year, he is looking good - he is on an upward trajectory.

NICK SCHULTZ is the clear goat. He does nothing good. NOTHING!

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#79 Oiler Al
September 24 2013, 02:14PM
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Goats do goofy things and can be laughable at times: My vote ... Ben Eager.

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#80 Oildrop89
September 24 2013, 03:20PM
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This OODLE NOODLE backdrop makes me feel as if I'm on FlamesNation.

I respect your Oodle Noodle ventures Wanye, but make it stop!

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#81 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 04:30PM
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Will wrote:

GOAT goes to Gagner. He was hated before, and now with his newer, larger contract, it will get even worse. He can't win a face off, a puck battle, or just a good old fashion fight which he gets into for some reason time to time. Here's hoping his jaw gets wired shut and then there's complications so everyone can watch as our one two punch of Hall and Nuge equals nothing but wins.

Gagner can't win a fight you say?

According to hockeyfights.com Gagner's NHL fight record is:

3W, 2L, 2Draws

His two losses were to giants named Beachemin and Jack Johnson nonetheless.

People don't call Sam Gagner the Featherweight Champ of the NHL for nothing.

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#82 Oil_lover69
September 24 2013, 04:37PM
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If I thought Jones would make the team... I would say jones. But he wont. The whipping boy this season I think will be smyth or petry. Real sad to say smyth... But he just cant get back fast enough on the back check.

AND YOU MISSED THE BIGGEST GOAT EVER!! HOOOORRRRRRCCCOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!

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#83 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 05:32PM
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Biggest Goat.......will definitely be.....WANYE......if Gagner doesn't get the "C"...

You think we we forgot your SCOOP!

(Wanye and Bernstein....it's got a ring to it.....who was Deep Throat?)

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#84 R-DAWG
September 24 2013, 05:38PM
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Goat=Hemsky...hate to do it but he's gonna suck it!

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#85 Stack Pad Save
September 24 2013, 05:54PM
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Anyone can pick a Smyth, Jones, or Hemsky, but we have 3 strait years of background information that tells us they will continue to suck. So can I pick all 3? Or can I pick the imbecile who continues to think that they can contribute to this team?

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#86 Dave "Killer" Carlson
September 24 2013, 05:56PM
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Petry is also my goat. Big expectations, won't, and didn't, deliver.

And for the record this choice was made prior to scrolling down to see Wanye's goat selection.

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#87 Mo Deet
September 24 2013, 07:23PM
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Effin Petry.

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#88 The rookie
September 24 2013, 07:33PM
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Goat: the Belanger triangle, although the man is gone, those whom played the most with him will still feel the lingering affects.

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#89 David S
September 24 2013, 07:40PM
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Man do I miss the days of Wanye's epic MS Paint adventures.

WHY YOU NO MS PAINT NO MORE WANYE???

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#90 Eulers
September 25 2013, 01:07AM
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Gorbachev for my goat!!! If he doesn't make the team, then its Grebeshkov!

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#91 Aitch
September 25 2013, 05:52AM
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LaBarbara - Dubnyk will look like a true #1 this year, but we'll blame Labarbara for the Oilers not... making playoffs, getting home-ice, whatever the next level up is.

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#92 VK63
September 25 2013, 09:33AM
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‏@dantencer Oilers officially assign Darnell Nurse to the OHL. Congratulations @drtwofive, you killed it at camp. We're all anxiously waiting for you.

the person at the Oilers responsible for employing this dbag is a complete idiot but Goat will have to do.

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#93 geoilersgist
September 25 2013, 10:46AM
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MY GOAT GOT WAIVED WHAT DO I DO NOW WANYE????

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#94 Rob...
September 25 2013, 10:47AM
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Goat: Jeff Petry

Prior to pre-season I'd expected him to escalate his game somewhere between the peak and valley of the last two seasons. Instead, pre-season shows him picking up where he left off last year, with the odd great play sandwiched between many where he looked either lost or much smaller than his frame would suggest.

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#95 smiliegirl15
September 25 2013, 05:04PM
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Petry is a pretty good choice but I'm thinking Ryan Smyth. I hate to do it but I think he's just going to disappoint my high hopes.

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#96 Bucknuck
September 26 2013, 01:59PM
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Nick Schultz is my goat. Most un-interesting player.... ever. It's like that guy you play golf with that always drives the ball straight. Boring. as. Hell. For his money I want to see some flash.

What a waste.

frigging Nick Schultz. It's because of him I can't just say "Schultz" when I am talking about my favourite Oilers defenseman. I gotta use two words. What a pain in the a$$!

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#97 PrimeBane
September 24 2013, 12:18PM
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Why does everyone still pick on poor Bo-bo :(

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#98 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:25PM
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PrimeBane wrote:

Why does everyone still pick on poor Bo-bo :(

Boris means Norris doesn't it? At least that's what we used to say haha.

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#99 2004Z06
September 24 2013, 12:26PM
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I think Jones is on the outside looking in too.

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#100 The Hall Way
September 24 2013, 12:41PM
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Does Ryan Jones count if he doesnt make the team and is picked up by Florida on waivers?!

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