2013-14 GOAT SELECTION

Wanye
September 24 2013 11:38AM

Traditions are traditionally something that occur over and over and over again. Christmas. Easter. Your weird uncle telling the same three stories after a few scotches at every family gathering since the mid 90s. You come to count on them. You stand behind them. You guarantee them. 

And so goes the annual goat selection here at OilersNation.

WHAT IS A GOAT?

Many many moons ago we used to sit around with our buddies and discuss the Oilers at extreme length over poker games of extreme length. Blame would be showered on 91% of the lineup on any given night only to have the same buddies declare their undying love for the same players they were dissing the night before.

It got annoying and as the seasons ran on and the Oilers floated gently to the bottom of the league floor we decided that all the negativity needed to be contained and the braintrust of the boys decided to name a goat. The goat is the player that you blame for everything that goes wrong.

As we so eloquently explained it back in 2009:

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of shit.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

This is the way we pass the winter Nation. Until we figure out a way to keep Edmonton 24 degrees year round, this is the best we can do.

Ah 2009 Wanye. How precious you were back then. If we could only go back in time and tell you what was on the horizon in your life wearing #14 and needing only to flash a single gap toothed smile to melt your heart.

WHO HAVE BEEN PREVIOUS GOATS?

The pantheon of previous Goaterati reads like a who's who of crap. Theo Peckham, Tom Gilbert, Denis Grebeshkov (2x) Nikolai Khabibulin. They are generally overpaid, completely unsexy and whipping boys for yet another season gone awry.

We try and limit our goats to players who are paid to be impact players, expected to be impact players, projected to be impact players yet do little to help our beloved Oilers climb out of the nearly decade long hole in which they are plugged.

There is no sense naming a fourth line player or a prospect a goat. What do you expect from the guy? He is doing his best to remain in the lineup. He should be celebrated for trying to overcome long odds not heaped with scorn. For this reason ol' goatie McGrebs will be spared a record third year of being named our goat.

No Grebs its impressive that you have somehow found your way back to our remote Canadian outpost from whatever frozen Russian outpost you have been at for the past while. We wish you nothing but luck in your quest to return to the NHL. Should you land a roster spot and sign a long term deal you will be back on blast.

But for now - good luck.

AND THE WINNER IS

Jeff Petry.

We see you there Jeff. Wearing the ol' Boris Mironov #2 special. Growing out your hair to look like your presumed hero Tom Gilbert. You play a lot like Tom Gilbert too - soft as a tub of margarine left in the sun in a town square in Yemen on the hottest day of the summer.

Yeah Jeff - you are exactly like that.

Do you know where your hero Tom Gilbert is playing now? Exactly. No one knows. He hasn't been heard from in months. And if you don't start to turn the corner and cash in on all of your promise you too will be on isolation island just like your best friend Tom.

You had 5 whole points and went dash 12 last year in 35 games Jeff. That's absurd. Get ready for a year of scorn from your ol' pal Wanye.

BAAAAA

Please name your goat in the comments below and explain why he or she is the worst player in the history of organized sport.

Thursday is star day.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#101 freeze
September 24 2013, 12:48PM
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Grebs is the easy pick if he makes the team. (ALREADY ON IR!) May have to go with Fallover Jones.

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#102 Tikkanese
September 24 2013, 12:59PM
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I've been saying it pretty much ever since Jones came here. He isn't an energy player. He doesn't hit, I don't care what the stats say, watch the games and point out his hits, they don't happen unless he accidently bumps into someone. He had no pedigree and still doesn't. Those "magical" 17 & 18 goal seasons everyone keeps bringing up; most of those goals came from either "goal sucking" "cheating offensively" whatever you want to call it, or from pure luck on garbage around the net off of others efforts. Not from skill or hard work. He's an okay penalty killer I'll give him that much. He seems to be an extremely likeable guy but I've never understood the love affair over him as a player.

Trash it if the truth hurts. Jones is a goat if he makes it. Jones' contract is a goat if he doesn't and clears waivers.

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#103 borisnikov
September 24 2013, 01:21PM
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An Ode to My Goat

I will castigate
Six rings scattered across ice
Forever tier two

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#104 rubbertrout
September 24 2013, 01:21PM
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Goat=Jonsey

Although if you don't even make the team can you still be a goat?

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#105 Dog Train
September 24 2013, 01:33PM
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I wanted to pick Grebs as my goat but he is apparently already hurt and having a goat who never plays (like Peckham as my goat last year) is lame.

I am going to go with Nick Schultz. At least one dman has to have a goat-calibre season and by year's end, I am guessing that our third pairing will be Belov and Larsen.

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#106 Pinto
September 24 2013, 01:43PM
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C'mon how can we have this article without the epic shot of Grebs pet goat in his uniform and skates. It just isn't this same without it.

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#107 Dobbler
September 24 2013, 01:54PM
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I've been a reader for a few years, and not ever made a comment, so understand how strongly I feel about this...

GREBISHKOV IS A HUGE GOAT! THE BEST THE TAMBO DID WAS TO TRADE HIM! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE KLEFBOM, MARINCIN, NURSE, GET GOOD ENOUGH FAST ENOUGH TO BUMP HIM OFF THE DEPTH CHART!

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#108 Bleak Winter
September 24 2013, 02:28PM
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Last year all the good whipping boys were taken, so I goated Yakupov, convinced no rookie could live up to that hype. Then he shot the freakin' lights out, just to make me look stupid.

I love the kid, I'm a believer! And dammit, for the good of the team I have to goat him again. Now he can prove me wrong with an 80 point season!

YAK!!!

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#109 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 02:54PM
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Labor....labro....labrell......labarbel......labreber................

Our second string goalie.....

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#110 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 02:59PM
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No Wait!

Steve Smith!.........for that "own goal" against the Flames 30 years ago.......those horns are permanent.

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#111 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
September 24 2013, 03:00PM
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Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty) wrote:

No Wait!

Steve Smith!.........for that "own goal" against the Flames 30 years ago.......those horns are permanent.

Too Soon?

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#112 GrillBoss
September 24 2013, 03:21PM
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Nick Schultz for goat. He wasn't great to begin with and is going downhill fast.

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#113 Alsker
September 24 2013, 05:22PM
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Well we put on waivers an obvious choice, Jones will he make the cut(I hope not) would be next so that brings us to: N. Schultz only because Hemmer shouldnt be here all season and Smitty, well, nuff said on that subject.

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#114 lostdog82
September 24 2013, 05:24PM
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Want to say Hemsky but I hope he plays well to become good trade bait. Instead I will go with Schultz Sr.

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#115 Walter Sobchak
September 24 2013, 05:45PM
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I pick the Oil Spice guy!

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#116 YFC Prez
September 24 2013, 05:49PM
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My goat will forever be Horcoff

Mark my words he will find his game again now that he is no longer on the oil and score six goals against us this year! Thus retaining his eternal perma-goat stature.

If it isn't Horc...the oil shall be goatless this year.

And what's with the Eberle selections?! Whacky nutjobs!

That's almost as bad as selecting Yakupov....almost.

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#117 SuntanOil
September 24 2013, 05:54PM
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Because BIG things are expected of him on an organizational level, and because he will be exposed by Eakins in a big way this year my goat is... ... ... ... Kelly Buchberger

Let's face it, if he was the head coaching genius in waiting that the old boys club wish us to believe he would have seen the flaws in Kreuger's systems and fixed them before every other coach in the league noticed them and exposed the Oil in a bad way last season.

Having to coach more than one system for Eakins? Daresay we may see the poor boys head explode from the confusion.

Good Times.

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#118 Oil timer
September 24 2013, 06:34PM
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Wonger for goat either he's outta jail or off his meds again.

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#119 OntariOil
September 24 2013, 06:41PM
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Dear Wanye, while I normally find your mad photoshop skillz and Eberlove to be badass and endearing its with a heavy heart that I need to name you my goat this year.

Jeff Petry is my boy, he just skates around and stops the other team from scoring, all night long. and he's doing it for dirt cheap too! Probably the best value of any non entry level deal on the team. And if you can't love him for his sick defending skills, beautiful hair and southern charm, then you're my GOAT. sorry.

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#120 Romulus' Apotheosis
September 24 2013, 07:00PM
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If Jones were to make the team, it would be him.

Since he won't.... I gotta go with my old stand-by

Cory Cross.... eff you Cory Cross.

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#121 Oildrop89
September 25 2013, 09:14AM
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WANYE. Oodler Noodler colors are good and proper now! Good on ya!

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#122 Rob...
September 25 2013, 10:51AM
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@geoilersgist

Nothing. You win... unless he's claimed off waivers. If he's claimed, you are a loser who couldn't see the incredible value that was Ryan Jones.

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#123 Archaeologuy
September 25 2013, 01:04PM
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My goat selector is broken. It keeps choosing Omark.

*Shakes Goat Selector*

He isnt even on the team you stupid piece of crap!

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#124 Danger pay
September 27 2013, 09:25AM
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Goat = Hemsky

First of all he has a horrible injury plagued contract that lead to decreased numbers. Then he has the balls to demand more money and gets 5 mil per from Steve (wake me the draft is here) Tambellini.

B: The guy causes at least two offsides a game (im pretty sure he leads the league in this category) which both negates an offensive chance and gives the other team the puck as the Oilers have been just brutal in dot the past couple of seasons.

Lastly: There's the now infamous fly behind the net only to turn the puck over (i'll give him some credit here B/C sometimes he does two full circles around the offensive zone before turning the puck over), or just as infamous stick handling the puck on the half wall as the power play slowly ticks down and killing any PP fluidity.

There you have it, an over paid, often injured, underperforming turnover machine, Ladies and Gentlemen your 2013-14 Goat...

Ales (made of glass) Hemsky

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#125 Bucknuck
September 27 2013, 04:21PM
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Danger pay wrote:

Goat = Hemsky

First of all he has a horrible injury plagued contract that lead to decreased numbers. Then he has the balls to demand more money and gets 5 mil per from Steve (wake me the draft is here) Tambellini.

B: The guy causes at least two offsides a game (im pretty sure he leads the league in this category) which both negates an offensive chance and gives the other team the puck as the Oilers have been just brutal in dot the past couple of seasons.

Lastly: There's the now infamous fly behind the net only to turn the puck over (i'll give him some credit here B/C sometimes he does two full circles around the offensive zone before turning the puck over), or just as infamous stick handling the puck on the half wall as the power play slowly ticks down and killing any PP fluidity.

There you have it, an over paid, often injured, underperforming turnover machine, Ladies and Gentlemen your 2013-14 Goat...

Ales (made of glass) Hemsky

On behalf of Travis Dakin... I hate you.

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