In a different dimension, a better score

An alternate reality

Written by Matthew “Hotdog” Eaton

The passing from last night was so bad I won’t even bother blaming the called-up defencemen; they’d probably miss those passes too. How can you even get up the courage to cheer on an Oilers drive when you see the puck sailing past a forward who’s pumping like mad to catch it? And what a solution they brought out in the second period: We can’t pass, so it’s dump and chase. Over and over. Then our physical players can get the puck away and shoot it, right? Sure, that’ll work if we dump the puck to an alternate reality where the Oilers still hit like they have a pair.

In the alternate “Play with Balls,” reality the game goes a lot better. The score was 5-2 for the Oilers over there and Penner, after watching some old tapes of Smyth screening and tipping, picked up a pair of goals. Other highlights from the parallel-universe game include the successful tactic of playing productive lines from previous games on a big night. The Nilsson-Cogliano-Torres line scored another two goals with this brilliant idea. The final goal went to Hemsky. Why? Because over there he was getting some sweet passes and found himself 1-on-1 with Phaneuf, who promptly soiled himself.

Yes, it was a hell of a game I watched in my head during the third period. A product of my mind rejecting the horrible sight of my Oilers dragging their collective ass on the Carpet of Hopes for a playoff spot and soothing pints of beer. I’ll wash the damn carpet tomorrow, but right now I have to go administer a good, ol’ fashioned five-alarm hose beating.