It’s in Revelations, people!

by Matthew “You deserve a b’ ” Eaton


Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde: the moment our Edmonton Oilers take the ice, one of them will be playing. We’ve had two different teams playing in our jerseys this year. One team has energy, makes clean quick passes, and wins games. If the Oilers become that team we’ll make the playoffs and bring the Cup home. The other team plays a tired dump-and-chase game, shies away from hits, and takes four shots a period. Flames fans will deafen us with their retarded wailing about being “Alberta’s Team.”The Avalanche are taking a beating lately and we can’t be the team that lets them up off the mat. The key is the power play. We got ours working Tuesday night against Vancouver and made sure to punish them for taking a penalty. A few power-play goals will have the Avalanche playing back on their heels to avoid penalties. Our penalty killing has been solid. If we can keep the power-play scoring and the penalty kill a frustrating wall, we’ve got the opportunity to use any means necessary to shut down the Avalanche if they try to put the pressure on.

We can’t shoot ourselves in the foot, though. I just pray that MacTavish leaves the lines alone for one freaking game. He should spend his time coaching the defencemen to play smart and making sure the passing is quick and accurate. He should make the players do that “passing an egg” thing I saw in a movie.

Oh, and he should put in a chimp to play for Grebeshkov.

And cut the red wire, shoot the hostage, run from the crashed car because it’s going to explode.

Man, it kills to see Smyth playing for the bad guys. Take it easy on hitting him, he’s got a broken nose and a broken heart. Of course, if he gets in front of Garon I want to see somebody knock him down, but then you have to help him up and say you’re sorry. Sorry his agent is a greedy ass-clown.

This game will be a big win one way or another. Colorado’s ailing offence will recover and destroy our makeshift defencemen with Garon desperately holding the score down. Or Pitkanen will be back tonight, bolster the defence and our new lines will make the score look like the Avs played the whole game with their goalie pulled.

Or both!

The unholy carnage of a 7–5 win for the Oilers! Fights breaking out! Blood on the ice! The whole book of Revelations in the second intermission! Dogs and cats living together: mass hysteria! Mmmm-mm, that’s good hockey!