Tell us how the patient is doing, Dr Wanye


(Dr Wanye exits the hospital room and closes the door behind him. He faces the assembled crowd of concerned Oilers fans, who look to him with fear and apprehension.)

Ladies and gentlemen, the medical staff at the OilersNation Hospital are pleased to report that our patient is stable for the time being, and is expected to live through the night. With no games being played tonight that will affect the Oilers’ playoff race one way or another, things can’t get any worse for the time being.

We didn’t expect the patient to live this long, to be honest. There was a lot of damage, as you well know, to the heart (trading Ryan Smyth). The shoulders have both gone (Souray and Horcoff) the ACL of the patient’s knee has been severely damaged and required surgery (Torres). A leg is also broken (Moreau)—yes, the very same leg that gave us all the trouble earlier. As some of you may also know, we have found a problem with the ankle (Garon) that would ordinarily cause our patient a great deal of concern, were it not for all the other problems that have already piled up.

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The biggest thing we have working against us for the moment is time. Because despite all of these injuries, the patient has shown that he’s a fighter and has been much stronger of late. The youth transplant he was given (Gagner, Cogliano, Smid, Brodziak, Gilbert and Nilsson) seems to be responding better than we could have anticipated, which gives us great hope. The temper (Staios, Stortini) seems be holding up well, and the best thing we have going for us at this time is the will to fight on to live another day.

Our medical team has had a lot of discussion about the brain of the patient (MacT and Lowe). Though it seemed earlier that there had been complete synaptic failure and the patient was completely brain dead, this seems to have—remarkably—reversed itself for the time being. Sometimes these types of patients can suffer a relapse though, so it’s important not to get our hopes up that the patient will be back playing chess any time soon.

All we can do now is hope, lambs. We have the patient doped up good on Rexall Drugs, and he isn’t feeling much pain. He is resting for today, and tomorrow will be of utmost importance.

Tomorrow we will need to see the following, if the patient is to survive the next 24 hours:

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Calgary vs Edmonton – Edmonton win
Colorado vs Vancouver – Colorado win
Nashville vs St Louis – St Louis win

Let us pray.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Excellent report, Dr. wanye.

    Perhaps you could broaden your report next time to include how the patient's remarkable recovery from prongeritis and smythillia has provided new hope to the faithful on rejecting dirtbagginess and greediness with youthful bravado and speed, baby, speed.

    Well done. Go Blues and blueshirted Oil.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    I've recently heard on one of the between period interviews about what Pronger was like in the dressing room and we are probably better off without His Sphincter-ness. One of the talking heads said that former teamates respected his talent but that was about all. Staios by comparison may be half the talent but ten times the leader and example for everyone rookies and veterans alike. Regarding Smyth they were talking about his trouble making the adjustment and overall results this year in Colorado. I quite frankly don't care what size his contract was with Colorado or how the CBA allowed it to happen, he still sold himself for 30 pieces of silver.