Wanye Gretz’s Playoff Analysis™ – Round One: Montreal vs Boston

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First thing’s first. If the Habs go deep in these here ‘08 Stanley Cup playoffs, we’re all going to get our collective ass kicked by each and every Habs fan in each and every playoff pool. Straight up. ‘Cause we went down the roster of the Canadiens hockey squadron and it was like reading the instructions to build a space shuttle in 12th century Mandarin.

It was confusing.

Ladies and Gentlemen may we present the 2007-2008 Montreal Whos.

  1. C Thomas Plekanec – 69 PTS 29 goals, 40 assists. WHO?
  2. D Mark Streit – 62 PTS 13 goals, 49 assists. More points than Pronger, Phaneuf, Campbell or Chara. WHO?
  3. L Andrei Kostitsyn – 53 PTS 26 goals, 27 assists. More goals than Huselius or Nasland
  4. C Christopher Higgins – 52 PTS 27 goals, 25 assists. WHO?
  5. Nine guys with 10 goals or more (less than the Oil mind you). WHAT? Er, WHO?

So while the rest of us were sitting around going “Boing boing boing” the Habs went about their business and put together a pretty awesome year. With only six fewer wins, the Bruins are no slouches but can’t win.

Why the Bruins won’t win

Because Bostoners have already sold their collective souls to Sports Satan this year. The Patriots went to the Superbowl and the Bo Sox won the World Series. Do you know how many people in New England owe their first born sons to the Dark Prince of Sports already? And by Dark Prince we mean Don King, who controls the big four sports leagues through a series of backroom deals.

And lest we forget that the Boston Cannons enjoyed a tremendous season in the NLL finishing a respectable 5-7 with a sterling 169 goals for. Do you think they have ANY wishes left? The Gods of Sports are so tired of hearing Bostonians’ prayers they can’t possibly see fit to allow another franchise to go on a run.

“Dea-yah Lawd,

Please let my wicked Br-uu-ins go to the Stanley Cup. That would be wicked awesome buddy. Oh yeah, and please keep my boy Tom Brady’s wicked teeth white in the off-season.”

No deal, say the Gods of Hockey.

Montreal on the other hand is a one-trick pony. Other than praying for a grandchild of Maurice—or Henri—Richard to develop excellent hands and come to training camp in the fall, Montrealers ask for very little. They ran the Expos out of town, cheered against the Alouettes and are ready to see Les Canadiens go to Le Coupe.

You cant argue with the bar graph below.


Montreal in 6.