Wanye Gretz Playoff Predictions™: Round Two—The East


Going 3–1 in the West (with a point added for Pronger’s demise) pales in comparison to actually predicting 3 of 4 series correctly in the East. Let’s look at your old Uncle Wanye’s Eastern Report card:

  • Montreal over Boston—Correct
  • Pittsburgh over Ottawa—Correct
  • Philadelphia over Washington—Correct
  • Devils over New York—Incorrect

We’re 3–1 in the East for reals, yo. We get the East. We get the East like Britney Spears gets parenting.

100% of the time, 100% of the time.

Let’s not stop the rock, and get down to business.

Montreal (1) vs Philly (6)

First thing’s first. When Lupul scored the series winner over the Caps, we almost had a stroke we were so mad. Lupul? Oh puh-lease. Joffrey Lupul deserves a series winner about as much as this guy deserves to win the lottery twice in the same day. Nonetheless, ol’ Eyelashes potted the winner and the Flyers advance to round two.

Can the Habs keep the dream alive? Price seems to be Patrick Roy reincarnated—except the original isn’t dead… yet. We’ve said too much already.

(awkward pause)

What of the Flyers? Can they keep their physical play up? Or has the series against Washington ground them down? Time will tell. This should be the best series to watch, other than Crosby & Co destroying the Czech National Team in New York.

Montreal in 7

Pittsburgh (2) vs NYR (5)

Man, how lucky is Glen Sather? He goes from small-market Edmonton to big money New York. Drops cash like its going out of style, and provides generous retirement packages to many a fading NHL star, or each and every brief-flash-in-the-pan player.

By handing out ridiculous contracts like giving Holik $45 million over five years the same day he gave Kasparitis a six-year $25.5 million dollar deal, Sather probably single-handedly financed the high-priced lap dance industry in Manhattan for almost a decade.

Then the salary cap comes in, paying stupid money goes out, and basically closes Slats’ cheque book, making the Rangers no longer the place good players go to get rich and suck till they quit or die. But then Lundqvist falls out of the sky, Jagr decides he needs to play hockey a few more years to finance his online gambling habit and BAM: you have yourself a team again, Glen.

Contrast this to the Penguins. They seem to think the time to win is now, before players get too expensive and get snapped up by the Sathers of the world. One day soon, Malkin will demand $187 million over 46 years and someone *cough* The Islanders *cough* will pay it and the team is broken up. But until then, let the good times roll, huh Pens fans?

We like the Pens, and we hope Sather doesn’t take an interest in any of them and ruins things in the off-season by trying to sign any of them.

Pittsburgh in 6