The hottest couple in show business breaks up

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For loyal readers of the Nation, the news that Gary Coleman is getting divorced today on Divorce Court will probably come as the biggest disappointment of 2008.

Gary and Mark Messier were voted the Hottest Couple in the history of the Edmonton Oilers by the OilersNation. Mere days after the polls closed, and Gary was declared “Love God” of the OilersNation, he went and ruined things—breaking literally tens of hearts in the process—by getting married.

Why would Gary Coleman get a divorce you ask? What could possibly break up a wedding destined in the stars after less than nine months? What kind of WOMAN could look Gary Wanye Coleman in his 4-foot-8-inch-high face and say “No”? Well, his “wife” had the following to say about her former husband: “If he doesn’t get his way, he throws a temper tantrum like a 5-year-old does. He like stomps the floor and yells, ‘Meehhhh,’ and starts throwing stuff around. He bashes his head in the wall, too.” Price also complains that Coleman has no friends and inexplicably disappears from home in the middle of the night.

Well so what, Shannon? A little temper tantrum here and there doesn’t do anyone any harm. Who hasn’t bashed their head against a wall in frustration now and then? Gary Coleman placed 8th in the race to be Governor of California in 2003. How dare you divorce an American institution!

In his defense “Coleman says he gets frustrated because “the male is always the bad guy.” Well he doesn’t sound like such a bad guy to us, nor does it sound like he has an anger problem.

How on earth she can’t find a man who has a tendency to bang his head against the wall attractive we will never know. Come up to Oil Country, Gary!* You’re half of the hottest celebrity couple ever up here, and will be treated accordingly: LIKE A GOD.

Coleman goes on to say that. “People will stab you in the back, mistreat you, talk about you behind your back, steal from you. (They’re) only there because you’re a celebrity or because they want to get something from you.”

Oh Gary. Say it ain’t so.

*Please don’t actually come up here, Gary. We fear your tiny fists