So you’re sitting there and you’re Kevin Lowe (awesome I know, but pay attention). You have a team that’s looking pretty promising and adding a power player to the roster right about now without giving anything up would be sweet. You’re also one of the few teams with cap space for next year. Finally, you have a new boss you’re looking to impress and know that he would love to make a splashy entrance at the “NHL Owners Club.”
So what should you do?
Why, you make another huge offer sheet to an Anaheim Duck, this time Corey Perry.
Corey Perry you say? How is that possible? Well, we have it on good authority that Anaheim hasn’t even begun to talk to Perry about a new contract in any real seriousness. And oh yeah, the Ducks have about zero inches of cap room in which to do anything because they already have $50,028,900 committed for next year without Perry:
They’re waiting for Niedermayer, who is screwing around as per usual, stroking his grey beard and going “hmmmmmmm” about returning for another year at $6,750,000.
- They have “Dink” Pronger who makes $6.25 million a year
- They have Giguere who makes too much at $6 millon.
- They have Todd “The amateur chiropractor” Bertuzzi who makes $4 million.
- They just signed Getzlaf for all the money at the end of the rainbow at $5,325,000 per year.
(All salaries taken from hockeyanaysis.com)
For them to have the cap room to make anything work they’re going to have to pitch Schneider, who is older than dirt at 37 and yet still makes $5.6 million a year. While they figure out what to do with his old corpse and are running around in circles trying to find the cap room to sign Perry, K-Lowe can swoop in on the Rexall Jet, offer Perry “Getzlaf” money and fly off together into the sunset.
BIGGER THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT IN ANAHEIM THESE DAYS THAN COREY PERRY
You want to make that big purple vein in Burke’s head dance again? Seriously K-Lowe, take a run at Getzlaf and sign him up to a long term deal. Who cares what Burke says or does? Make your new boss a happy man, and usher in the Katz Era with a bang. Oh and FYI, Burke’ boss in Anaheim has just been indicted for tax evasion.
It would also seem that his business partner has been maintaining a “warehouse full of cocaine, ecstasy and methamphetamines” over the past few years, amongst other things too saucy for us to talk about on this site. The owner of the Ducks has bigger problems than what old Burkie has going on in his world.
Ultimately the shenanigans going on in Anaheim in the Owners’ Suite might be what drives Burke to Toronto, but that’s a story for another day.
FUN THING TO DO
Want to read some crazy stuff about the guy who owns the Ducks and what his business partners are up to these days? Read this.