Wanye Gretz has been stuck in Calgary the whole week… But he’s trying to stay up-beat and he’d like to thank a few people. —DJ Spyn Cycle.

  1. Thank you to The Score, for not showing a single goal in your highlight package of the game last night. After all, who wants to watch goals when you can watch 8th-round Panther draft picks getting beat up by Oilers prospects? Not a single goal. This type of sharp thinking is why The Score is tied with the Food Channel on the “channels we rarely watch” list.
  2. Thank you to Sheldon Souray for coming to the aid of Ales Hemsky at the blue line and laying a beat down extraordinaire on Ballard. We’re sorry Souray haters, what are your thoughts on that? Ah, thought so. (Extra thanks to The Score for not mentioning either players’ name in the fight. Luckily we could pick out Souray by his sexy good looks—see picture above.)
  3. Thank you to the City of Calgary for the warm hospitality you have shown us this week. In particular, your congested roads have let us slow down the hustle and bustle of daily life and smell the diesel. Also, the downtown bomb threat on Tuesday afternoon that kept us stuck in an office building was a particular treat.
  4. Thank you to Shelley Long. You continue to be a daily inspiration to me.

—Wanye Gretz is stuck in Calgary while several of his many illegitimate children takes him to court for neglect. Email him at wanyegretz@gmail.com.