During last Thursday’s victorious pre-season game against Florida, a few things garnered my attention. I was shocked at the behavior of some of the spectators and their blatant disregard for the people around them. I thought it would be a good time to go over some basic dos and don’ts for sporting event spectators. We’re all there to have fun. Here’s how to not be a douche in the process.
DO cheer if and when the American anthem is sung regardless of your feelings for the American government. This is not about politics. And sing the Canadian anthem loud and proud. Who cares if you can sing well or not—it’s not a contest. Ask yourself What Would Joey Do?
DO sit back. Rexall is set up so everyone has a great seat. Once you lean forward your blockhead becomes a visual obstruction. This will cause the person behind you to interrupt and ask you to sit back.
DON’T glare and roll you eyes when the person behind you tells you they can’t see. Being as jerk-face will only cause a punch to your skull the next time you disobey.
DON’T bring your babies. Spit-up is not conducive to an enjoyable hockey experience. If they can’t walk, they can’t cheer. By all means bring your three-plus-year-old kid: they can carry beer back to the seats and.
DON’T stand on the stairs when the puck is in play. You’r inviting people to make an example of you with one little shove. It will end in tears.
DO make friends with your neighbours. This is your temporary hockey family. It will be with these people with whom you celebrate or mourn.
DO smile and wave if you find your face on the jumbo-tron. When you hide behind your boyfriend it only invites fan scorn.
DON’T flash your boobies on the jumbo-tron. As funny as boys think it is, it’s just inappropriate. Where do you think you are? A John Tesh concert?
DO say excuse me and thank you when weaving through the isles. But please, move as quickly as possible because you ARE disrupting us.
DON’T use unnecessary and excessive profanity. There are impressionable kids there to run drinks for Daddy and Mommy. It just makes you sound uneducated and stupid.
DO offer to replace your neighbour’s drink when you knock it over. Even though it may have been their negligence, it’s the nice thing to do.
DON’T buy a oversized foam finger. Just don’t.
DO make an effort in person hygiene. The only sweat we want to smell is Oiler sweat.
DON’T bathe in cologne. All you achieve is making Rexall Place smell like a Moroccan whore house.
DON’T stand in the middle of the corridor during intermission. No one cares that you just ran into your dentist’s son and his new wife. Move to the side. Actions like this will result in a very sarcastic comment such as “Ya, good place to stop” or something equally as clever.
DO cheer and applaud for the winning team. Keep in mind that both teams have practiced and played hard. Their families may not have been able to be there for support.
DO be patient at the end of the game during the mass exodus. Everyone wants to be the first one on the LRT platform but a broken neck will only land you in the ER (and not all doctors look like George Clooney. Or House).
DO get home as fast as possible. The fully loaded hot dog, that seemed like a good idea, has an internal shelf-life of approximately 90 minutes. You’re on borrowed time.
—Amber McCormick is a local comedienne and hater of drunk, obnoxious hockey fans who obstruct her view at games, or otherwise ignore her.