There’s no need to get this excited

Now occasionally your ol’ pal Wanye will find a newspaper on the ground on the way to the liquor store. Occasionally someone literate will split a morning Colt 45 with us and we force them to read us the sports section. Generally we fall down laughing with the nonsense published and today’s puffball by Robert Tychkowski is in rare form.

Now if you don’t feel like reading the entire article we can’t say we blame you. Why not click on the YouTube movie we have provided and we’ll explain the best parts to you? Yeah, that’s the stuff. They go hand in hand don’t they?

The long and the short of the article is basically this: “My, the Oilers have had a tough start to the year. Lucky it’s not their fault! Instead it is the schedule that has the team two games over .500 and in the Shitanusly® mediocre position in the standings. It’s certainly not the dozens of problems that are evident with every part of the team. Well, thank heavens for that.”

From the ‘article’

RT: Finally, a full eight weeks into the season, we get our first real look at the Edmonton Oilers.

WG: Well, this starts off with an objective bang, doesn’t it? This leading sentence screams “I am a robot who is built to do one thing — serve my overlords on Kingsway Avenue. Beep boop beep.” Tsk tsk.

RT: The first 26 games, a gruelling, torturous and borderline unfair schedule that sent the Oilers into survival mode from the get go, told us nothing.

WG: It’s certainly not the lack of offence, physical play, defence or consistent effort that’s been the problem this year. It’s a bunch of hosebags in NYC in the schedule department that don’t want to see the Oilers succeed. How unfortunate.

RT: Up until now, there’s been no way to tell if the Oilers are any good or not, and certainly no means of determining if they’re capable of contending for the division lead, as so many of them predicted in training camp.

WG: Er… What? There has been no way to tell? Oh, Robert, no (shakes head sadly). We think there’s been an excellent way to tell how good the Oilers have been so far. It’s the 1560 hours of hockey that they have played since early October and their 13-11-2 record. This is a pretty indication of how good they are, wouldn’t you think?

RT: Despite near panic in some corners of the fan base and cries for a coaching change in others, it’s simply not fair to judge anything based on a ridiculous, never-ending road trip.

WG: Really, dude? It’s simply not fair to judge? What on Earth are you talking about? Are you looking to upgrade your seat on the Oilers plane closer to the washroom? Are you paid in Oilers merchandise these days? If we wrote something this stupid guys like Ender and Dennis would have us for breakfast. Baggedmilk would kick us so hard in the beans that we would be sent back in time. You just can’t print this tripe and expect us to swallow it, can you?

Then he brings the good Captain into his den of lies: “The good thing about [the tough schedule to start the year] is we got through it OK.”

RT then gushes: Better than OK. If you are going to grade the first 26 games, give it a B+. Coming out of it two games over .500, given the sophomore jinxes and the slumps, is really very good.

WG: Better than OK? Being in 10th place after 26 games after MacT basically told everyone that this team was going to contend for the Northwest in training camp? Better than OK? Better to gouge out your eyes and live out your days blind than run the risk of reading this crap, we think.

To close, Tychkowski puts his tough-guy pants on and really nails it on the head with some hard-hitting journalism as we look to the next chunk of games:

RT: It’s showtime. They had a legitimate excuse for not looking their best over the first 26 games, now they don’t. The Oilers have to flick a switch and start playing at about a .700 clip, which isn’t going to happen automatically just because they’re at home.

WG: Good Gods, man. This is why we don’t read the newspaper anymore.

“I’m really sensitive — some say that’s a plus. Now I’ll go home and change.”

— Schremp Watch: 3 GP, 0 G, 3 A, 3 Pts

— Are you voting for Souray to be in the All Star Game? You should be.

  • Wanye Gretz

    @ RobinB:

    "Occasionally someone literate will split a morning Colt 45 with us and we force them to read us the sports section."

    Yes I do get someone to read the articles to me.

    My issue isn't really with the NW division being a pipe dream. My issue is the absolute nonsense that passes for coverage of the Oilers in the mainstream newspapers these days. It's getting worse with every season. Compare and contrast your last 5 articles with articles on the same topic in the Journal and the Sun Robin. I have – the papers are really sliding into a whirlpool of crap. Half the facts I read on the Nation aren't even AVAILABLE from any MSM source.

    The dumbing down of Oilers fans is a serious issue. It's demeaning to the sport and ultimately bad for fan interest in the long run.

  • RobinB

    Wanye: Do you get somebody to read the newspaper articles for you?

    You sound a bit sour in accusing T of being nose deep in Oiler crack. You KNEW what to expect. You KNEW a division title was a pipe dream. Somebody wrote it right here at ON during the pre-season. Wanye? No. Willis? No. DJ? Pfft. You were warned.

  • Not only would I kick the beans, I would launch myself from a 34 foot Catapult resulting in the world's most powerful (and devastating) drop kick ever recorded. Testicals would rupture, and future generations will be born with underbites and 4 Simpson-like fingers.

    Do you want that, Robert Tychkowski? Chances are you do not, and you definitely don't want baggedmilk baring down on you in the "Fire MacT Bandwagon" which has more power than all of hell's chariots combined. Don't give me your sunshine and blow(pops) RT because they're not welcome anymore.

    The Nation demands results, and no schedule maker in NYC, failed voodoo dolls, or Rod Phillips' sloppy seconds will change that. For shame, RT, I hope you got a few pairs of Oilers jammies because you sh*t the bed with that article.

  • Fiveandagame

    I sadly read this earlier today , then considered sending him some kool-aid. Then condidered sending him Baggedmilk and Jeanshorts for an up close and personal Sack beating. Then I considered another morning 6 pak, then I pretty much lost track of where I was, then I mistakenly went back and read the article not remembering I had read it, THEN I wen through the whole process again.

    DUDE is a TOOL! THERE ARE NO EXCUSES IN HOCKEY!!

    If the Oilers could say that they played as hard as they could, that they gave it their all, that a team effort was there every night from the drop of the puck, yeah we could be happy with a winning record. But when a team fails to show up for the first period on more than half of their games, you can most definitely judge them.

    ON the plus side the Oilers of late have had better efforts from everyone for almost the entire 60mins of hockey…which is good.

    All the fans in Edmonton want is a time that battles hard every night. Win or lose we'd be happy with hard work, and as fan a lot of nights we weren't getting that.

    Dude is a joke….

  • bingofuel

    Love the vid, Wanye. Sounds like RT may have had a similar premature accident in his own pants. The proof of the Oil's abilities to be division contenders will be in the pudding.

    We can dole out the blame paste later.