Tonight’s game against the Flames cannot be accurately described using any of the primitive languages developed on Earth to date. Instead it only be described by interpreting a smell:
The smell of kicked Calgary Ass.
In the past, a young Wanye Gretz has rounded up a straight thuggin’ posse and headed to the Saddledome a grand total of five times to see the Oilers play the Flames on New Year’s Eve. We get our 100 beers stashed safely under our seats, put on bullet proof vests, brass knuckles and Oilers Jerseys.
We then witness the Oilers lose.
As in the Oil are 0-5 when we attend games in Calgary.
So this year we have decided not to go to the game because:
1) Have you SEEN the roads?
2) Perhaps we are a jinx to the Mighty Oil
3) Have you SEEN the roads?
A better man than us -– loyal citizen of the Nation JD Revenge -– sent us an email awhile back that we would like to share with you as inspiration for tonight’s game. Now JD Revenge has the unfortunate luck of living in Calgary. This is partially salvaged by the fact he is an ardent supporter of the Edmonton Hockey Squadron. JD tortures all coworkers, friends, neighbours and any Flames fan he meets on our behalf. We all owe him a debt of gratitude.
In November of this year he struck gold:
In the heat of battle a friend of mine, Dana, and I placed a bet that the Oil would outscore the Flames prior to their back to backs played earlier in the month. The bet was Kenny Vs. Spenny style. The loser would face humiliation: an email sent out to our buddies and coworkers denouncing the others position regarding their fave team. Dana lost unfortunately so while he was wallowing in his tears I typed up this lil email, to let the OilersNation know all about it.
And so to inspire both the Citizens of the Nation and the players on the Oil may we present to you the humiliation of Dana –- who is owned lock, stock and barrel by our boy JD Revenge.
I have decided to recant my position as a fan of the Calgary Flames in lieu of this past weekends two embarrassing losses to the obviously superior, Edmonton Oilers. It is with extreme jubilance that I now pledge my allegiance to these very same Oilers. I cannot begin to tell you the sadness spent in watching a team lose year after year in the first round of the playoffs with; horrible goaltending, an anaemic offence and a front office that has a severe communication problem. I cannot, in good spirit, cheer for a team that has won but one cup in its lengthy existence in the National Hockey League (Six Cups is way better and more fingers than I can count.)
Furthermore I have decided that;
- Roger Millions hair is not real.
- Dion Phaneuf has no defensive game yet he plays more than any other defender on the team. Plus his eyebrows don’t move which has always freaked me out a little.
- Jarome Iginla may be a nice guy but he doesn’t win. He’s also getting old (shhhhh)
- Mikka Kiprusoff has taken to letting in a goal a period in order to alleviate his drinking debt by throwing games.
- Mike Keenan’s in game analysis, given to the locker room, is killing the team.
- Lanny McDonald has a stupid mustache.
I could go on and on. By now you are probably wondering ‘why oh why did I cheer for a such a lame team for so long?’. My friends I wish I had the answer to that question but I don’t. I am confident however that my choice for a new favourite team is an obvious one.
Thank you for listening.
Oh that’s good stuff.
Go Oilers. Happy New Year, Nation.