Great Odin’s beard! Sweet hammer of Thor! Someone please tell us that this isn’t true. Perezhilton.com is reporting that Hillary Duff was sporting some finger bling-er outside some restaurant recently, and that a little fella—you know, the guy who no one will sign to a multi-year deal—was walking behind looking pleased as punch.
Is Aaron Carter completely out of chances? Isn’t there anyone who can stop this marriage between good and evil? Can’t someone introduce her to Sam Gagner? He is more her age, and sweet as maple syrup. If Comrie marries Hillary Duff, there is only one thing we can do: train an army of Orc warriors to defend society from the forces of evil, who clearly seem to be winning—particularly with Project GANHLPTBAWHC, or Get Annoying NHL Players To Bed and Wed Hot Celebs.
These Orcs will be put through the rigors of complete martial arts and small munitions training deep deep below the North Saskatchewan River. And then, when the time is right, we will release them where they’ll fly in a direct line towards the wedding as they go down, slaughtering the groom upon landing. Then they will bring the now-saved Duff back to Edmonton, where we will auction her off to you—the good readers of the Nation.
Proceeds shall go to the Stollery, and the Orcs will return to their underground training complex until needed again.
Still, its better than this, we suppose.