Gretzky will not manage Team Canada in 2010

You know that buddy we all have who’s a super good guy but has the absolute worst girlfriend of all time? The guy who could do so much better with the ladies but he is saddled with some swamp donkey that bosses him around 24/7? You know, that guy who leaves poker mid-game because his old lady has been cornered by a spider back at home?

That guy.

That guy is Wayne Gretzky and it breaks what remains of our lump of coal of a heart to see him down there in Phoenix frustrated, aging at a rapid rate with no hope of victory in sight.

It is being reported that Wayne Gretzky won’t be GMing the Olympic Team in 2010 because of his responsibilities coaching the Phoenix Coyotes.

Hockey Canada president Bob Nicholson confirmed Monday that Gretzky will not reprise the role of executive director he had with the gold-medal winning team of 2002 in Salt Lake City, or the 2006 team that finished out of the medals in Turin, Italy.

“We’ve chatted for a number of months on this and also in the last couple weeks,” Nicholson said. “It’s best for Wayne Gretzky not to be GM given his focus on his job as head coach of the Phoenix Coyotes.”

Gretzky and the Olympics have a storied past albeit with mixed results. Gretzky failed to win gold as a player in the semi finals in Nagano, but was able to win the Big One in 2002 as executive director and then narrowly missed winning gold again in 2006. A 2010 gold medal won on Canadian soil would have looked great on his mantle next to his four Stanley Cups, five British Open Championships and 12-foot trophy for being the Greatest Human of All Time.

This decision is SO disappointing to us. We love us some Wayne Gretzky above all else—hence the name we write on our underwear. Gretzky shouldn’t be turning down the GM job of Team Canada because of the lowly Phoenix Coyotes.

Back to our analogy of the guy with the terrible girlfriend

You just know that if he could just get out of his current situation and see the open market for what it is he could do so much better. But instead he stays with his old girlfriend in Phoenix who was hot once, but has since suffered a painful decline. One day he’s called up by an old Canadian flame who invites him to come and General Manage her affairs in the sexiest manner possible and instead of saying yes he is forced to decline because of Hortense the Mule-Faced Woman who is impatiently waiting at home.

Damn it, Gretzky! You can do so much better than coaching the Phoenix Coyotes. The team is crap (not your fault). Attendance sucked last year and the failing economy suggests it will get even worse (not your fault). Your owners have Anaheim Duck-itis too, and have been under intense public scrutiny for pulling some shady crap (not your fault).

Come home! If we were Daryl “Kay-Z” Katz we would go meet with Gretzky and try and entice him to set up shop back in Edmonton. When Steve Ellman took over the Coyotes, he gave Gretzky a small amount of the team as partial compensation for getting involved. The idea was that a Coyotes team with Gretzky involved was going to be more stable and thus able to trick Glendale into footing the bill for a new arena.

Let Gretzky sell his Coyotes shares and offer him a slice of the Oil. He doesn’t live in Phoenix anyways, he just flies in from LA. So let him fly in from LA to Edmonton. We can build him a glass-enclosed mansion beside Katz’ using tax payer dollars and get his smoking hot daughter a series of modeling gigs at West Edmonton Mall.

Then when the Olympics come-a-knocking he won’t be forced to decline.

—Wanye Gretz is done whining and is looking forward to ice hockey games. You can email him your nude pictures at wanyegretz@gmail.com