Predicting the West

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What do you say when there is nothing to say? Fortunately the answer isn’t nothing. How fun would that be? No, instead we will overlook the fact that our favorite team has let us down – again – and that we will be faced with another playoffless playoffs – again. We will forget that we saw Robert Nilsson eating lunch yesterday and that it was the only time that he has performed to our expectations all year. No eating half of the meal and then lacking the intensity to finish. No screwing over his table mates by leaving them with the tab. Just sitting there, looking completely uninjured, not choking in the least and boringly eating his meal.

May you leave town as quietly as you left the restaurant, Sir.

“But Wanye what does all this mean?” We will tell you what it means, Nation.

Playoff Predictions

Now last year we entertained ourselves to no end making playoff predictions. And because it was basically Ender the Dragon, Bingofuel, Milli and yours truly we didn’t have a lot of people to lip off when they erred in their predictions. This year – it’s go time.

Today we predict the West. Tomorrow it will be the East. We heartily suggest you do the same so we can come back and shower you with praise when you are correct, or laugh heartily at your dim wittedness when you are wrong.

Sharks (1) v Ducks (8)

Ah, the Sharks and the Ducks. We will ignore for the moment what would occur if these two met in real life. We would take a Shark over pretty much every team name in the league, except perhaps the Las Vegas Harpoons. Yes, if Vegas ever gets a team and they happen to name this team the Harpoons we wouldn’t take the Sharks over the Harpoons in the first round for the very reason that it seems impossible for a Shark to beat a Harpoon in any sort of battle.

Isn’t this the kind of playoff analysis you have been missing in your life?

Sharks destroy Ducks. Harpoons remain idle.

Sharks in 6.

Wings (2) v Blue Jackets (7)

What do you get when you have been in the league for 48 years and you have finally made the playoffs? How about a date with the impossible to beat Detroit Red Wings? These here Wings be so confident in their domination they have their entire lineup signed for the next 11 years. It’s true! They have even gotten rid of the nameplates on the lockers in the room and have had player names and numbers engraved. Right into the wood! Ain’t that something?

Sorry Rick Nash. You can now replace “never been in the playoffs” with “made the playoffs once and got trounced by the Wings in the first round” on your NHL resume.

Wings in 6.

Canucks (3) v Blues (6)

If you had asked us “Wanye are the Blues going to make the playoffs?” we would have kicked you so hard straight in the balls that your kids would be born dizzy and back in time. Or something. Truth is we can’t help but be amazed that the Blues made it to the post-season. Missing most of their defensive corps, relying on all sorts of replacement players up front, not being that good to begin with. One would think that this would be a problem when looking to make the post-season. It’s almost as though a certain team lost 7 of 9 down the stretch and allowed some garbage team to sneak past them into the playoffs.

Ugh.

Canucks in 7

Hawks (4) v Flames (5)

Ah the Hawks and the Flames. Nevermind that Chicago won 3 of 4 in the seasonal series. Nevermind that the Flames gassed a 12-point lead to lose the NW division. Nevermind that we will personally dance the Lindy Hop on top of a flagpole when the Flames lose in the first round.

All we know is this:

Calgary so terrible.

Hawks in 6.

There you have it, Nation. Wanye’s Lock of the Year Playoff Pickery. You can basically print this sheet off, walk over to any Sports Select ticket dispensary and check off the betting amount labeled “the farm.” We stand behind this. We guarantee it.  Think we are wrong? Have some strange delusion that the Blue Jackets are going to the finals? Write it down, don’t say it aloud.

Have you entered the draft yet? Don’t you want a $1000 Gift Certificate to Hudsons? It basically pays for your summer Nation.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    First round
    Canuks
    Hawks
    Sharks
    Jackets (Mason vs Osgood/Conklin, great long shot)

    And I hate to say it Canuks from the West (at least it's not Calgary)

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Ducks beat the Sharks in 6: Big Joe with 2 assists in 6 games. Wings get a scare but prevail in 7. Canuks in 5. Flames/Blackhawks too close to call… History says they'll both suck…

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Damn you, Wanye. I wanted you to screw up predicting at least one series so that i could prove I was at least as smart as you. (Wait, that's awful . . . I didn't want that as a measurement at all . . .)

    But you picked the winners correctly, so I just had to pick all different number of games. After all, if you picked the winner of the series, you couldn't possibly hit the game number right too, could you?

    Here is the real first round West breakdown:

    In the Sun Bowl: Fish in five. No way Tall-Boy gets another sniff; I wouldn't allow that.

    MoTown VS The Guys That Dress Like They're a Marching Band: Victory octapus for everyone in game seven. Mr. Nash will have to settle for close-but-no-cigar.

    Orcas VS Random Musical Classification: No divine intervention in the post-season, even if your city's name has the word 'Saint' in it. (Plus, how fun would it be to see Killer Whales taking on Sharks in the Western Final? Ocean carnage straight out of the 'Trials of Life' series. 🙂 ) 'Couver in 6.

    Windy City VS Cowtown: As much as I would like to base the post-season collapse of the Shames on their general 'suckiness', the truth is that after the beatings the 'Hawks inflicted on the Oil this year I just repect them a ton. Iggy-Pop will fight it to the end, but the Original Six team advances in 7.

    Bring on the East, Wanye. You writing this all down?

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Poo Czar wrote:

    (1) Willis vs (8) Bingofuel
    (2) Brownlee vs (7) Amber
    (3) Gretz vs (6) Lowetide
    (4) Gregor vs (5) JSBM
    Willis in 4 (Bingofuel crushed by JW’s brain)
    Brownlee in 6 (Rage trumps Ovaries)
    Gretz in 7 (Didn’t Lowetide concede the regular season?)
    JSBM in 5 (Juvenile Filth over Bald & Knowledgable)

    What's this "rage" comment? I respectfully disagree with that characterization.

    And who the #$^$*#^#$*(UY&#WT^&@*&# seeded ME second to $%#@%#%&$^Willis? Are you $%#@^#%@#& kidding me? I'll snap his #%^$%$& neck like a chicken bone. And yours,too, #%#%$#@^@%#% ass-clown.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Robin Brownlee wrote:

    And who the #$^$*#^#$*(UY&#WT^&@*&# seeded ME second to $%#@%#%&$^Willis? Are you $%#@^#%@#& kidding me? I’ll snap his #%^$%$& neck like a chicken bone. And yours,too, #%#%$#@^@%#% ass-clown.

    I like this kid's moxie, he's got the grit needed for post season play. Willis and his cool methodical style are great in the regular season, but it's a little too European for me.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ Robin Brownlee:

    Wow, that was a weird sort of Falling Down meets Deep Oil moment. Classic.

    Also, you guys, I have guile. I think guile (and the character of the same name from Street Fighter) would mop the floor with Willis' stats-softened brain.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    "We will ignore for the moment what would occur if these two met in real life. We would take a Shark over pretty much every team name in the league, except perhaps the Las Vegas Harpoons."

    Clearly you haven't seen Jaws II: electricity trumps the big shark. The Lightening could beat San Jose any day of the week then, right?

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Andrew W wrote:

    “We will ignore for the moment what would occur if these two met in real life. We would take a Shark over pretty much every team name in the league, except perhaps the Las Vegas Harpoons.”
    Clearly you haven’t seen Jaws II: electricity trumps the big shark. The Lightening could beat San Jose any day of the week then, right?

    Change the name to the Las Vegas Electricians… local 424.
    Then the sharks will perish.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Sharks in 7
    Jackets in 6
    Blues in 7
    Chicago in 5

    Brownlee and Lowetide meet in the finals, quotes vs. numbers, Brownlee wins for picking the Oil to miss the playoffs.

    Wanye: Connie Smythe for FMNF. it worked!

    Willis beaten by the Miracle on Jasper Avenue (a little more sandpaper next year)

  • I'm a Scientist!

    […] made for the Western Conference only one man/woman/cyborg was correct in his/her/it’s Round One predictions. That person is: #28 OvenChicken8 April 14 2009, 1:38 […]

  • I'm a Scientist!

    […] 3 for 4 in the West and 3 for 4 in the East. And to think we were once voted “Least likely to predict the majority of the First Round of the 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs” in High School. Where are you now yearbook committee? Gravely ill with the swine flu we hope. […]