It’s not us, it’s you


On behalf of the City of Edmonton and Oilers fans around the world, a big thank you goes out to Dany Heatley for the 1,438,983rd kick to the nuts in recent memory.

Our phone was blowing up all the live long day yesterday with people lamenting “oh this Heatley business is the worst thing that has ever happened. It’s Chris Pronger all over again. No one wants to play here. It’s all over. At best all we will be able to do is ice an AHL team. At worst the Oilers will have to relocate because they can’t get anyone to play here.”

Read our lips everyone:

Get fucking real.

Everyone needs to collectively shake this off immediately and get some sense back in our heads.

Every single hockey related decision cannot be treated as a direct blow to our cumulative civic pride. Dany Heatley didn’t just make this a bad city. He didn’t just knock 15 grand off the value of your house or add 8 new traffic lights on your drive into work. This isn’t about having bad weather or a lack of shopping or something equally lame that has caused some multimillionaire athlete to want to play elsewhere in the past. If this was a simple Nylander-esque slap to the face we would be a bit more concerned for the prospects of the Oil.

No, this is something much stranger, much more sinister.

This sounds like a guy who is batshit crazy


Our man Daniel Heatley here is a guy who is already dealing with Britney Spears circa 2008 level of head case-ity to begin with. Let’s recap shall we? Demanding a trade is a sticky business at the best of times. Letting your agent do all the talking in the media and forcing your current team’s hand is classy at best. Letting your neighbour speak on your behalf is some kind of insanity all too often seen amongst “athletes with talent but don’t fulfill their promise due to being a headcase but usually get away with it.” Indicating that you would be willing to play in Edmonton and then later squashing the deal is virtually unheard of even by these same standards.

The problem here isn’t the City of Edmonton, the Northern Climate, West Edmonton Mall or the Edmonton Oilers Hockey Club. This is a Dany Heatley problem. Go read some of the articles about it in Ottawa if you don’t believe us:

“Here was a case of a player WANTING to be traded, but still holding say in his destination. And this is where Heatley’s escape plan fell apart, like the friendly neighbourhood bank robber holding millions in his meaty hands, only to see his get-away car towed from a no-parking zone. In theory, it was fine for Heatley to draw up his dream list of destinations. He could imagine himself as a Los Angeles King or a Vancouver Canuck, a San Jose Shark or a New York Ranger.

When his wish dwindled down to the Rangers, and then the Ranger offer was pulled off the table, this was what remained: A single offer from a club not among the Chosen Ones. The Edmonton Oilers, desperate for a big-time shooter like Heatley to ignite a powder dry offence, had put a significant package together.

So, what to do, Dany? Go to Edmonton, with Oil management and players begging you to jump in, the water’s fine? Or take the risk that Murray, if forced to pay that $4 million after midnight, never finds another deal he considers fair and tells you to show up at Ottawa’s training camp? This was Heatley’s Sophie’s Choice as the clock approached midnight and the Oilers put on a full-court press to woo him.”

See? There isn’t a single mention of Pronger, Lupul, Comrie or of Edmonton being a craphole. The consensus seems to be that the problem lies in Heatley’s court. For the life of us we cannot figure out why the citizens of the OilersNation are always the first ones to line up and torture ourselves with bigger issues of identity and self worth time and time again.

This is a guy who was already hated in Ottawa before he took it to a whole new level of insanity:

“Dany’s parents (Murray and Karin) dropped over to our place the other day,” Molloy said by telephone from Calgary. “They said, ‘Everyone is crucifying Dany.’ His mother is very upset. And the attacks are all personal stuff, about his character.”

And now? After all of these shenanigans? Let’s take a gander at another article in the Ottawa Citizen:

“As usual, the Oilers come out of this looking just a little bit sad. They had arguably the league’s best defenceman at the time, Chris Pronger, walk out on them because his wife didn’t like the weather. Then Michael Nylander apparently agrees to play for the Oil before bolting to Washington, apparently because his wife didn’t like the city either.

But hey, Heatley isn’t married, so no problem, right?

Yes, still a problem. Now the Oilers are once again playing the part of the loser in a lopsided relationship, sucking up to Heatley because they think he’s too good for them anyways. This, despite the knowledge that he could turn around and do the same thing to them that he’s doing to the Senators right now.

There will be a point at which Heatley’s actions so poison everyone’s opinion of him that he becomes untradeable, even to the Edmonton Oilers.

He and his agents should be asking themselves what comes next if they don’t accept this deal. Sit out and not get paid at all? Come back to Ottawa to play, only to be booed every time his hyper-expensive toe touches the ice?

And the Edmonton Oilers should be asking themselves why they want to make this deal at all”

“Untradeable, even to the Edmonton Oilers?” When exactly did we become “that team?” We aren’t the Kansas City Royals or the Los Angeles Clippers. We aren’t the laughing stock of the league or a Franchise that won’t ever win again. We are a hotbed of hockey with an extraordinarily passionate fan base, committed gajillionaire owner and a boatload of potential.

And we need to start acting like it again.

We don’t know about you, but this might be a good time to collectively stand up and decide we are no longer the weak sister of the league. We are no longer small market – with our balling owner flinging hojillions of dollars around from a solid gold Lear Jet. We are no longer the Oilers Alumni network – with Pat Quinn, Tom Renney and Steve Tambellini (all elite coaching and management types) tickling the ivories on our behalf. The first step to becoming a powerhouse is to decide mentally you are capable of being great. Living life with a permanent dark cloud of “it’s cold here, we are screwed” hanging over this great City ain’t it kids. At some point we have to stop feeling sorry for ourselves and rebuild the pride that was a hallmark of this team.

We could personally give two squirts of whizz if Heatley comes to this team anymore. Sure he is a prolific goal scorer and all the rest. But he is also seemingly the biggest prick around, or possibly certifiably insane. We would rather Dustin Penner, who at the least is just lazy. And we’d also like it if everyone could just get an ounce of swagger back in their stride. That would be great too.

Go to it Tambo, Lowe, Katz, Renney, Quinn and the other 1,205 people who are probably madder than any of us can imagine today. We are squarely behind you and we salute your efforts. But don’t kiss the ass of a loser. We don’t need to become the desperate chick at the dance who will go home with anyone on the football team. We are much too good to become her.

Oh and to all the people who knew why Pronger left town but decided to sit on the story? Thanks for that wise decision. It’s still paying dividends around the league.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    cambosmash wrote:

    Can we all sign one of those big novelty cards for Cogliano, Smid and the Big Donair just to let them know we still love them?

    I honestly feel bad for the three of them. Particularly Smid who would gladly play Forward sans cup if it meant more ice time. Cogliano realizes he was traded for Heatley and it wasn't personal – I'd bet he will rebound fine. .

    Penner was probably so pumped to be leaving. LOLZ

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Everyone wants to tie our city to why players will/won't come here. If we start winning, we will have no problem attracting free agents. Detroit is the worst city in the US – does anyone's wife complain about having to live in the murder and cold/genital sore capital of north america when their husband signs there?

    The problem is no one is eager to come play somewhere that misses the playoffs with alarming regularity. That has to stop, and then all this other nonsense will too.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Edmonton is a great city and this is coming from someone who has lived in Vancouver for the last 10 years and has chosen to move back to Edmonton this fall

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Oilers fans are a different breed. Instead of looking at the positives of a very good goalie signing here as a UFA they choose to dwell on a prima donna fuddy duddy "scorning" our city and the fact that we can't attract big names here. Get over it, Tambellini and Katz have done more in their year to build this teams reputation back up that there is nowhere to go but up from here.

    I still give Tambo mad props for his efforts. Its time to re-group and re-focus.

    Oilers 4 Life

  • I'm a Scientist!

    West Coast Oil wrote:

    Edmonton is a great city and this is coming from someone who has lived in Vancouver for the last 10 years and has chosen to move back to Edmonton this fall

    Hear Hear…

    I heart Wanye and donairs.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Just sent this as a email to the Oilers office after reading this piece. Since reading Wanye's article prompted it I figured I would post it here too.

    I love Edmonton, even though I don't live there any longer. I love the Oilers and they are a significant part of my life and I would have it no other way. Good times bad times I will be a Oilers fan. I do not want a player like Heatley on my team. I don't want a player like him in the dressing room. I don't want him hanging out with our young players. I don't want him as a living example of the rewards of selfishness walking around in our city everyday. If the Oilers keep pursuing a player like this all our fans will be a little bit diminished everytime they go out and cheer for the team. 3 months from now, 3 years from now every time he steps on the ice for us we will all be less than we could be.

    Go out a sign a good tough faceoff guy for the 3rd line and let our team develop. Our scouts are doing a very good job since the current group took over, the future is bright as long as we do not tarnish it ourselves.

    No matter what happens I will still be a Oilers fan, I will cheer for them through ups and downs. If I am cheering for Heatley as a Oiler though I will respect myself a little less.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Jonathan Willis wrote:

    Wanye Gretz wrote:

    I’m tired of people running down Edmonton and the Oilers. The fact that the first people in line to do it is Edmontonians and Oilers fans has to stop.
    +1. My god, +1.

    +2. My god, +2.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Let's go Oilers!

    The Bulin Wall – awesome.

    Struds good insurance and hopefully a leader like Wanye is for the nation.

    I bet the 3 guys who were dangled for this silliness have career years. Easy since they are still young.

    IDEA: keep the young guys, get rid of some older duds, bring back Smytty. Seeing a photo of him screening a goalie (he's invited to Team Canada tryouts) made me remember how selfless he played.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Thank the Good Lord, Heatley is not coming to Oilerville. I was not a fan to begin with and I totally think we will be better for not getting him.

    I want to see what this team does with new coaches. Some games last year were brilliant but more often than not they'd play good enough to just barely lose. I want to see Penner rip it up!

  • I'm a Scientist!

    You know how forking sick it must make guys like Klo, Quinn and Tambo, guys who understand the game and see what this little dink is doing? Well, FORK him, here to a new coach, a new starting goalie, a new attitude in the room, and cogliano with 25, penner with 35 (equals 60 to me).

    Nice post wayne, nice post.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    I just had an epiphany. Yesterday was Canada Day, yet looking through many of the national forums there were a lot of 'Canadians' who were absolutely reveling in the fact that Edmonton took it up the rear hard. They were thrilled that we were down and did everything in their power to add insult to injury. They were happy that a player decided that coming to one of the six remaining Canadian teams was difficult to stomach. They were amused that this player was a Canadian with western roots.

    GO Oil, Go Edmonton, and to hell with anyone who has a problem with us. Let's cut the f'n transfer payments and see how long they carry their sanctimonious bullshit on for!

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Awesome read. And bang on correct. I am so sick of hearing Oil fans explain away the mountain of character flaws that comprise Dany Heatley on the grounds he'll score us a few goals. Funny that somehow, some way, through Dany's entire career, some other team has managed to find a way to overcome their Heatley-less-ness and win the Stanley Cup.

    At this point we shouldn't walk away from this petulant loser. We should run.

    We dodged a Nylander-sized bullet here.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Wanye, I pray that when Heatley googles his name one afternoon to read about how awesome he is that he gets this Nation post. He does not deserve the honour of being an Oiler. That was a great read.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Oh and to all the people who knew why Pronger left town but decided to sit on the story? Thanks for that wise decision. It’s still paying dividends around the league.

    @ Wanye Gretz:

    Perhaps it's time for someone at the Nation to write that expose? The sources are out there, why not let everyone outside the Nation know why guys like Pronger and Nylander (thank god) slighted Edmonton.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ Wanye Gretz:
    RossCreek wrote:

    Latest update from Oilers: Not set in stone that we hear from the management team today.
    4 minutes ago from web

    Yeah we need a good ole fasioned dick slapping!… sorry its a little past date but that needed to be said

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ Shaun Doe:

    Well that quote obviously backfired on me there. Wanye said something about spector being a dick and needing to be slapped, I have that quote here somewhere…

    *walks backwards slowly while glancing about, then turns and runs*

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ Shaun Doe:

    Dude, that's hilarious. I can't believe you said that. I'm sitting here at work laughing my ass off and everyone's looking at me like I'm nuts. BAHAHAHAHAHA well played!

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ OvenChicken8:
    Not so sure about a good GM. His stock is declining day by day as the Heatley debacle continues. And no action from Tambellini on filling in the other missing pieces the club requires to improve over their sad performances of the last three seasons.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    […] we wrote a little article yesterday on this non-pornographic internet portal we were shooting from the hip – telling everyone down on […]

  • I'm a Scientist!

    cambosmash wrote:

    He looks like a mini Andre the Giant. I guess I wouldn’t be the ugliest man in Edmonton any more if he came. But considering I make less than 1% of what Heatley makes, I would still be the least eligible bachelor in the city.

    Yeah, I hear ya dude. Took the words right out of my mouth.