Oh, hello everyone. It’s your old pal Jeanshorts here. Some of you may know me as that guy who posts nonsensical comments all over OilersNation, talking about anything and everything unrelated to the Oilers. Others probably know me as "Hey you! Get out of my garbage! I’m calling the cops!"
One day, I was walking down the street, waiting for the junior high to get out, when a large, black van pulled up beside me. I don’t remember much after that until I woke up, naked, tied to a chair in Wanye’s basement. Now I don’t know if it’s the Stockholm Syndrome or the cocktail of drugs pumping through my system via an IV, but I’ve decided it was a good idea to start writing a weekly article on this here OilersNation. So without further ado, submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, here is the inaugural edition of "Jeanshorts’ First Star, Worst Star."
First Star this week goes to Tomas Kaberle. Now believe me, I hate to give props to anything Maple Leaf, but I’ll give credit where credit is due. Dude managed to put up 12 points in 4 games last week. That’s a Penner-esque rate of production! That’s unreal. Although, I take solace in the fact that even though he was putting up mega points the Leafs still found a way to lose 3 of those 4 games.
Taylor Hall is going to look awesome in a Bruins jersey. I think it’s ironic that Leaf fans have been trying to run this guy out of Toronto for two or three summers now, even though he’s been the only consistent Leaf since Mats Sundin skipped town to pussyfoot around whether or not he wanted to play again. Not only do you look exactly like my friend’s little brother, but you are the only bright spot in a hilariously black hole that is the 2009/10 Toronto Maple Leafs. Now please refrain from passing on this good fortune to anyone else on your team. The more the Leafs lose, the more joy the rest of the country gets.
Worst Star goes out to the Montreal Canadiens fans at the Bell Center on Saturday. There’s nothing I love more than seeing Habs fans sitting in stunned silence and Saturday was no different. The Habs were up 5-3 on the Leafs late in the third. And we all know how much those half-euro French Canadians love to chant. They started in with the classic "Na-na-na-na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye" at about the 3 minute mark.
Well wouldn’t you know it, just as the chant was reaching a crescendo the Leafs scored to come within one. You could pretty much hear the entire building be taken aback in unison and it was hilarious.
But it gets better.
About a minute later, guess what happened? The Leafs got a lucky bounce and with 45 seconds or so left in the game, we’re all knotted up at five apiece. See what happens when you not only start a chant for the 140th time in the game, but you start it way too prematurely Habs, fans? You look like bigger fools than the rest of the league already gives you credit for.
Thankfully the Leafs ended up losing in a shootout, because as I mentioned it’s way more fun when they’re sliding further into the toilet. Still, I really enjoyed seeing all the smug be sucked out of the building, if only for a few minutes.
Honorable mention to my dad: Dad, please stop texting me 30 times a night whenever there’s an Oilers game on, just to tell me how much the Oilers suck and how awesome the Leafs are. The fact that you figured out how to send a text message scares me enough, I don’t need the added mental anguish. Now, please, send me money because I’m running low on Kraft Dinner and Powerade.
Comment of the Week — The Menace wrote: "Rask "Tuuka" dump all over the oilers today."
Oh man it still cracks me up. Well played, sir.
Love the nonsense.
I'll bet I know who's getting your Righteous Sack Beating this week…
You two timing son of a….wait….nevermind.
Welcome back!
I love the atmosphere in the Bell Center! I highly recommend watching a game there, but I can't figure out why Habs fans still sing that song. They haven't really had any reason to sing that in the past 20 years.
Inauguaral comment by me to your inaugural address- Good stuff JS, nice to see you back above the comments fold line.
Towel Boy AND jeanshorts get positions with the Nation? Wow, this organization is growing faster than…than….hair at an extension convention??? *groan*
Meh…
*grabs some champagne, shakes it up and pops the cork*
It's a celebration bitches! More people writing means more things to read and less time saving the world! Heyoo!
Uh oh- more writers = more articles. Stauffers gonna be pissed.
I'd crack a Bud Light in honor of JSBM hitting the mat here, but I live in a continent completely devoid of Bud Light, and also that stuff is nasty. How Wanye hasn't died just from the sheer suck of it alone is beyond my comprehension.
Ah, so this is where the "classy" jeanshorts content will reside. Should make for more filth over at JSBM, yes?
Also, don't go all Willis on us with "NHL" coverage on this here Oilers place of Oil and hockey and whatnot.
Still, a triumphant return!
Whoa, what's this? The Nation is going big time or what? Hard core reporters, fluff reporters, female view reporters, humour writers, all we need is a restaurant critic and a astrology column using the starts to predict the results of future games to have a full fledged paperless hockey newspaper. Course a hockey cartoon or two would come in handy though the photoshops with the columns are an adequite replacement.
Keep up the good work.
Course a full time sales guy might be needed if the growth continues. No, I'm not volunteering.
Go Nation, Go Oilers.
I love anything that talks about how much the Leafs suck.
Also can I please have my garbage back?
jeanshorts
LOLZ
It's actually fun to read about other team's miseries for a change.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE reading the hundreds of comments on the woes of the Oiler's 4th line. But the Leafs are the gift that keeps on giving. Maybe Burke will offer Kessel and first round picks for Penner? OH, wait a minute, he traded away his first round picks HA HA
Jeanshorts – I don't care what the Minister says; you're alright. Please kill or lock up whatever keeps you from writing more here.
How is he supposed to kill and lock up Wanye's appetite for legitimate sponsors and income???
When i saw the title I got all excited that the sack beatings were back on ON, but even better. Nnow we have 2 weekly columns out of you JS.
Jeanshorts back at ON in an official capacity????
*Pushes back from desk,leans back in office barka-lounger, clasps hands behind head and beams in anticipation*
We are of the belief that the addition of the 'shorts is a tremendous boost to the fun quotient around here. We miss his contemporary baggedmilk – but as Vanilla Ice once so aptly put it:
"I'm on a roll, it's time to go solo"
And so it begins.
Attn :
All Staff of ON.
Please be advised that there will be keys
given out to "Senior" Staff.
This washroom will now be known as "the clean one".
Please see Robin Brownlee for your key.*
Regards
Bingofuel*
PS: We HAVE to clean out the fridge,
ONCE per week.
I will not accept that
you are doing an experiment.
*not really
Why is my office boarded up?
wow!
i USED THE EDIT kEY
wORKed gOOd! tANks
Oh. My. God. You're back on the Nation. I can't believe Wanye fell for your seduction dance.
Now who can this be? Baggedmilk, hmmm seems to ring a distant bell. Yes, I used to know a baggedmilk. He ran away to the Island from that Leonardo DiCaprio movie as I recall.
Does this mean that Jeanshorts can see my real email address? I cant see this turning out well.
OHMYGOD AN EDIT BUTTON?
OHMYGOD BAGGEDMILK?
OHMYGOD SOMEONE STOLE MY THOUGHTS AND PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET?
*Sits back and waits for Megan Fox to bust down his door and beg to have him "do stuff" to her*
Jeez Craig. Love those huge biceps!
What internet gym are you working out at?
I hear being a douchebag helps get a lot of people ahead in business, but you clearly have that one down to a science.
Hi Craig. People like you are a why violence can sometimes be tolerated.
I'd write something witty but Craig here has me absolutely terrified into compliance with his every whim on account of how awesome he is.
I pledge my undying allegiance to Craig Wark, Craig Wark Jr and the entire Wark Clan
Command me Sir.