GDB XXVI: Kicked when we’re down

Is it still considered unmanly to cry? If it is, then please feel free to ignore the contents of this post. You see, when Robin Brownlee called me up this morning to tell me that he was hearing rumours that Ales Hemsky was bound for the operating table, I welled up — partly because I wish Ales well (and I do! Feel better, Hemmer!). But mostly because it sort of feels like the nail in the coffin of an already grotesque season.

We’re more than 20 games into the thick of it. We’re seven players down due to illness and injury. Gregor’s getting pissed out of shape down in Calgary for the Grey Cup, Wanye’s off in some backwater European country learning how to bake artisan bread just so, Willis is rocking the Internets at theScore.ca… And the rest of us are sitting here swallowing mouthfuls of our own fingernails as we watch an average team slide further down the bell curve.

Sweet jumping Moses, people, I have to stop thinking this way! Someone, pass the Kool-Aid.

Oh yeah!

Beat the Heat. No, seriously, do it

I know, I know Dany effin’ Heatley’s in town.

Big effin’ deal.

Oh sure, we’ve partnered with Original Joe’s in their Beat the Heat campaign to poke fun at the Heat. I’m going down there tonight to order no less than 27 Joe Burgers so that $27 can be donated to the Give Me Shelter charity. 27 burgers, Nation. If I was actually worried about Dany Heatley, I’d have 28 — just enough to put me into a coma so I could wake up tomorrow morning without a care in the world…

Yes, I would wake up and everyone would be healthy again. Hemsky’s shoulder, it would turn out, actually became super-strong allowing him to shoot harder, more often and more accurately.

Comrie would be cured of his mono, and he would score 50 goals with Hilary Duff riding on his back singing her hit song, "[insert name of Duff song here]."

Khabibulin’s back wouldn’t only be back to 100%, but he would go on to win the World Breakdancing Championships. He’d also rescue a puppy from a fire, started by another rabid puppy.

The statue of Wayne Gretzky outside RX1 would be replaced with a statue of Dustin Penner standing on a pile of skulls — skulls that once belonged to all the people who ever made a donair joke at his expense. The pile would be 12 miles high.

Back to reality

But dreams aren’t reality, kids. That’s what my expensive psychology degree taught me. We’re icing a team of youngins and ne’er-do-wells against a team of — quite literally — Sharks. Colin McDonald and Ryan O’Marra have been called up, Reddox has been sent down, and the lines they are a-changin’.

Oh, and there’s going to be another teammate for the Oilers. THE FANS. I’d wager, in spite of the Oilers’ shabby record, this is the most excited you’re going to see the fans at RX1 in a really long time. Every time the Heat touches the rubber, the sound from the crowd will be defeaning.

And that alone will win the Oilers the game. 2-1 Oilers. In a shootout. And the star of the game will be none other than Deslauriers.

If I’m wrong, I will eat as many OJ’s burgers as Penner ate donairs last season. I swear.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Something that I have never ever uttered in my life, but do you think the moustaches are a curse?

    *gasps and runs to light a candle in his Tom Selleck shrine*

  • The Real Scuba Steve

    Stick a hot iron in the Oil. Their season is done !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    They're not even good enough WITH Hemsky, let alone without him.
    The only thing which may salvage their season is if Tambellini makes a couple more moves and gets replacements in return who are equal to the top players which are out of the lineup for us !!

    ……Yah,…..fat chance of that. But I'm willing to be surprised if someone will take the reins and make the moves !!! Likely ? ..NOT !

  • cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan

    @jeanshorts

    Exactly, don't throw away the future for a momentary fix. We'll need those picks with the inability to sign free agents and a lack of possible trade suspects. Do what you can do with the guys there, maybe they surprise us? I'd love to hope, but it'd be nice to grab a high pick in the draft and have someone to build the team around in the near future.

    • cableguy - 2nd Tier Fan

      while i agree 110% the oilers should go that route, i also have no money invested in the team.

      sponsors and season ticket holders would probably suggest otherwise.

      I know i would be pissed if i dropped thousands of dollars only to have the team tank after 25 games

      • Travis Dakin

        I think I was one of the only people that actually enjoyed the slide of 2007. Until that last DAMN WIN THAT LET CHICAGO INTO 5TH PLACE AND WIN THE LOTTERY AND TAKE KANE!!!!!! There is some fun to be had when the team is tanking bad. I think we could really get behind that.

        • Jamie B.

          I don't know why everyone always says this. If we'd won the lottery K.Lowe would have taken Turris. We can see how that's working out for Phoenix so far …

          • Travis Dakin

            He wouldn't have taken Turris. Kane was the number one. Turris was who they wanted to trade up for at 3 or 4. Either way Gagner is the second best pick so I'm not really complaining about it too much. Point being was they won a meaningless game for some sort of "pride" and it ended up screwing them.

        • Remember that game last year when Chicago raped us, and everyone started cheering for Chicago to score more goals? I've already said it before but it's official now, that's that what this season has become.

          • Travis Dakin

            I'm fully on board with that. I've sat back and watched the Blackhawks, Penguins, Capitals, and others suck and suck for years while the Oilers continued to strive for mediocrity. Look at those damn teams now!!! Oh sure we had a playoff ride 2 or 3 times in 20 years but damn…. Wouldn't it be nice to get a top prospect to help us for once?

          • Travis Dakin

            HAHA I think we should start a petition to management that states we will all fully support a season tanking. I don't want them to think they have to squeak in to playoffs to keep me as a fan. I've been there since March 1980 and I always will be. Please PLEASE give us a great draft pick this year. That is my wish. Screw a four game playoff throttling.

          • Chamucks Deluxe

            Whats the point of squeaking in when you probably won't make it past the first round? I never understood that. All you basically got out of it was ticket revenue for 2-3 home games.

            I don't even feel sad about everything, I feel optimistic about what can be if they take advantage of the situation. Do it up right, dump the OP'd vets gather some picks and build this baby up the right way. Instead of hoping for decent success every year, why don't we build it up so we know we'll be good every year. I'm down with the tankin'.

          • Travis Dakin

            I'm feeling the same way. A ray of light maybe. I'm tired of being the Leafs west…. Always good enough to maybe be close to the playoffs but never bad enough to get some draft help to change.

  • Chamucks Deluxe

    So do we call it a year and tank it? Look for a trade and get a decent scoring forward (unlikely). Or realize we're only 4 points out of 8th (and 2 out of 15th)and continue on with the group of guys that we have?

    • I just hope they don't do anything stupid like trading away assets for a quick fix or to try and find a Hemsky replacement. I'd just trudge along with what we have now, because really things can't get much worse, and then assess where the team is by the trade deadline before doing anything drastic.

    • Travis Dakin

      Please PLEASE do the right thing. Tank it hard!!! Sell off the valuable vets and REBUILD PROPERLY!!! This is your chance to right so many wrongs Tambo!

    • Moops

      'cause far too often play dies with him.

      imo, playing hurt beyond 80% capacity (which seems to be the case), it's like going to work with flu: you jeopardize all around you just so you don't feel useless away from the action.

      again: organization and the vets…someone's gotta do something.

  • Librarian Mike

    Game Day Prediction: 3-2 Oilers in the shootout.

    Obvious Game Day Prediction: At least one reference is made by a commentator about how San Jose is the best 'regular season' team in the NHL.

    Not So Obvious Game Day Prediction: Between periods Dany Heatley decides he wasn't being used enough on the powerplay and refuses to play anymore. Jeanshorts goes to Kelowna and pees on Heatley's rug.

  • Ender

    Hemmertime wrote:

    Ha, we now know Bingofuels first name! Half way there . . .

    Some of us internet junkies know Bingofuel's last name too. Since it isn't as cool as Bingofuel, though, we just don't care. Who the heck is Clark Kent anyway? It's all about the Superman.

  • Milli

    No worries, hemmer's overrated. Sharks are not that good. I'm calling it 4-3 regulation win. Brule, Horc, Cogs and the captain. 2 on the PP, cuz ya know, that puck hog hemmer's hurt.

    • Moops

      Oh man! I had no idea what that song was. Until now. I must have heard it a hundred billion times playing NHL '94 (it was so easy to score.)

      The Whale are simply legendary.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Game Day Prediction: Tie Game. 3-3. Goals from Penner, Cogs and Smid of course. The sharks goals come from a Heatly hat trick. Those are the only players playing tonight right?

    Obvious Game Day Prediction: Gene Principe will be off the charts with a number of well timed (and horrible) "heat" references…"bring the heat" "Heat up" "Cool the heat down" "Turning up the heat"…etc.

    Not So Obvious Game Day Predicition: A tie game occurs because the vibrations created by all the Heatley booing is such that the lights in RX1 are shattered, forcing the game to end prematurely. Also, bingofuel turns a permanent shade of red after Lynda Steele uses his REAL name on his very own blog… how dreadful!

    • Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things

      You know he'll have a short segment when they do a close-up on Dustin Penner:

      "Dustin Penner was targeted in a potential trade during the off-season that would have seen the Sharks' Dany Heatley donning the copper 'n' blue. Penner has done a great job at showing the Oilers what they almost gave up, as he is currently top 10 in the league in goals, points, and +/-. He says he's also in the best shape of his life.

      It just goes to show…

      If you get out of the kitchen, you might stand up… the Heat."

      Edit: Another possibility: "If you get the heat out of your kitchen, you might stand out"

  • HansBaurMesserschmittWatson

    i love how happy smid was when they asked him about the trade that never happened. "im so happy heatley couldnt make up his mind."

    never trade smid.

    dont worry fellas we still got horcoff, the season is still alive.

  • Harlie

    Man I hope you're hungry, cause you're gonna be eating a LOT of burgers!

    Its going to be an ugly one tonight.. 6-1 for the Sharks, and either Brule or Vis will be injured.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Ok Adam… you are seriously hilarious… I laughed out loud throughout the entire read… thanks for the adrenal rush on a Friday afternoon 🙂
    And just to REALLY make my day… wouldn't it be sweet if Smid scored a $500 goal for Give me Shelter? Cmon Laddy…you can do it!

    Lynda