A night of treachery and deceit

wtf-ak471

We will go uh… WTF  for $500 Alex.

A: On March 26, 2009 this team shot itself directly in the foot, losing 3-2 to the Phoenix Coyotes.

Q: Who are the damned Edmonton Oilers of 2009?

If you’ve just woken from a doctor-induced coma and are seeking to catch up with the world since you were put under, we can bring you up to speed pretty quickly on everything you have missed in the past 10 years:

  1. Britney Spears was a teenage popstar.
  2. She rose to the top of the world with her sweet, demure nature and sexy looks.
  3. She then went completely crazy, nailed half of the paparazzi in LA, shaved her head and trashed a car with an umbrella.
  4. When all was lost, she sold her soul to Satan and quickly rose to the top of the pop world again, with her demure nature and sexy looks.
  5. The Phoenix Coyotes beat the Oilers last night 3-2, scoring a goal for every Phoenix fan in attendance in Glendale. Britney’s thoughts on the matter are unavailable as of press time.

There. Now that we’re all on the same page we can proceed with railing against how awful the Oilers are and worse.

Let’s get this straight

Dwayne Roloson started in net AGAIN? Really MacT? You do realize Roloson is older than you right? You do realize that if the Oil manage to get out of their own way and somehow make the playoffs your starting goalie will already have the fatigue level of a 7th-game Cup appearance. You do understand this right?

We could go on about the Oilers losing until the cows come home. But even greater treachery is afoot. Coupled with the Oilers losing, it is probably the greatest attack on our values that we have suffered in a single evening in quite some time.

The worst thing ever

As we have been known to do on most Thursdays we went and played some poker with the boys. It’s 51% beer, 40% “something” and 9% poker and on nights when the Oilers play it can go downhill very quickly.

wickedworm2

Last night, the Oilers were busy in the long and torturous process of gassing a game that they could afford to lose. Your ol’ pal Wanye, on the other hand, was coming off a win the last time we played poker and we were busy slow playing the table to a second place finish whilst drinking our usual 58 Bud Lights.*

We go to the fridge to grip a beer and it was at this point in time the absolutely unthinkable occurred.

This:

bl21

At first blush this may look like nothing more than another soldier about to get crushed by your ol’ pal Wanye en route to another world class poker performance. But upon closer inspection Members of the Jury, you will note two key facts:

Exhibit A: This can remains unopened – note the sealed top.
Exhibit B: There isn’t a drop of beer in the can.

Is anyone else’s mind just completely blown by this? Is anything sacred anymore? An empty Bud Light can shipped in a case to some devil-may-care Canadian Poker Sensation? Uh WTF?

A pair of losses

We’re at a loss to explain how the Oil could show up with as little emotion or skill as they did last night, with the playoffs on the line and facing one of the worst teams in hockey. We can’t even begin to explain how in the hell the fantastical beer Oompaloompas at the magical Bud Light factory somehow allowed one of their delicious cans to escape unfilled.

This is an absolute outrage and it won’t stand. Doesn’t anyone care about professionalism anymore? Is anyone interested in competing on a night in and night out basis anymore? Or is everyone just mailing it in and rushing home to watch American Idol?

Make a note in the log: March 26, 2009. The night both the Oilers and Bud Light completely failed us.

*The cold and crisp taste of BLs are not being endorsed in the least in this article.

A non-Bud-Light-Scandal-related note

As we have never it discussed prior to right now, no one knows that the official band of the OilersNation is a band called Toast. No one knows this, but they totally are. Our boy Chris basically runs most of E-Town with his crazy band and they recently performed a jam called “Smile On,” on CityTV’s Breakfast Television last Monday morning. Completely unsolicited by Chris we are going to demand everyone able to walk, run or drive should make their way down to the Crown & Anchor pub in Castledowns and witness musical history this weekend.

But if you order a Bud Light at the concert make sure it isn’t already empty. Cause that totally can happen.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    For some reason, I have a craving for a cold, crisp, refreshing Bud Light. It's the best selling beer in America. A 12 ounce serving contains 4.2% ABV and 110 calories.

    The difference is drinkability.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ bcjames:
    @ Rick:

    Are you serious? Have you ever had a Bud Light? Have you ever had 30 Bud Lights in one sitting? Absolutely zero bloating. I convert people to Bud Light like Tom Cruise converts people to Scientology:

    Quite regularly and I starve Katie Holmes in the process.

    @ jeanshorts:

    First of all that wasn't a breakdance showdown. It was a worm competition. And it wasn't last night either. It was at a party my boy Lavinskidine put together. His wife later threw out the guy in the picture for being too buckled. He wandered the streets like a ghost for about an hour in sub zero temps and we all thought he had been pinched by the fuzz.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Looks like SOMEBODY wishes they were American. And is watching their figure.

    What's that first picture? I assume it's just another round of Thursday night White Boy Breakdance Showdown®, but I'd like to think your friend was trying to drive himself straight through to the basement to avoid having to watch anymore of that craptacular debacle last night.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    *sits forward on couch with shoulders slouched. stares at tv screen watching highlights of the loss for the 5th time. sighs. listlessly picks up his ak-47 and fires imaginary rounds in the air only to find that even they offer no solice. suddenly feels the urge to buy a tie and forgets all about the pretend russian rifle. the oilers have killed his inner child and apparently his ability to capitalize letters.