The sh*t winds of change

mrlahey

With the recent FMNFing and the new armada of Coaching staff sailing into the Bay of OilersNation, there is bound to be a ton of changes in the approach to the game of hockey, the personnel involved on the ice and the overall attitude at RX1.

Given that the team has been a steaming cup of shitanusly mediocre hockey these past three years, a whole new approach is pretty much A-OK with everyone who is involved with this team, both in the stands and off the ice.

Whether or not GM Tambellini is going to be able to shed some of the heavy contracts and be freed up to chase new (read: better) players remains to be seen. But what is clear is that the list of underachieving meat bags is long and the potential destinations for said bags of meat is short. While a great many current Oilers may not be around to see the puck drop on opening night, three players spring to mind as those who could benefit most from a coaching change.

For many of these doghousian Oilers, this will be their last chance in an Oilers uniform.

Rob “Last chance to amount to anything” Schremp

butter

Stats last year:
(AHL) 69 GP 7G – 35A – 42 Pts
(NHL) 4 GP 0G – 3A – Pts

Good case scenario 09-10: (NHL) 10G – 10A – 20 Pts
Bad case scenario 09-10: AHL4lyfe

It’s no surprise to anyone who pays rapt attention to the Oilers that Schremp is pumped to see his career nemesis head on to other (as yet unnamed) opportunities. “It would be nice, obviously, if I’d been playing in the NHL the last couple of years, but this is what the organization wanted to do with me, develop me in Springfield,” Schremp was quoted recently saying in a Yahoo sports article.  “So that’s that path you have to take. Hopefully I’m on track to play in the NHL next year. Hopefully it’s a new opportunity. But I think the organization has had my best interests in mind since I’ve been drafted. It’s not just MacTavish, it’s the whole organization that has to make plays with my career. They want to develop me and make sure I’m ready. Hopefully next year is the year I make it. I hope that’s what the plan is.

Don’t you worry about what the plan is there Robbie. There is a solid plan and the Oilers are executing it. Why the plan called for making the SCF06 then missing the playoffs for the next three years we will never know – but there is a plan. Believe that. Perhaps rather than worrying about the plan ol’ Lord Schrempington might instead get out of his own way long enough to make something of an NHL career.

By all accounts Schemp’s attitude is quite poor but his hands are by all same accounts s-i-c-k. But as any one of the 1000 YouTube sensations will attest, sick hands don’t get you no NHL career in this day and age.

Dustin “Donair Please” Penner

donair

Stats last year: 78GP 17G – 20A – 37 Pts

Good case scenario 09-10: 25G – 25A – 50 Pts
Bad case scenario 09-10: 15G – 10A – 25 Pts

Even we are starting to feel for Dustin Penner. On a team with an incurable case of mediocre craptitis, DDPP is the poster boy for what is ailing with the Oil. Invisible down the stretch, quiet on many nights, the Donairan one still found a way to pot 17 tucks and collect 37 points last season which really ain’t too bad if you step back, ignore his contract and squint at the stats page. It’s kinda like a magic eye – the beauty might not reveal itself right off the bat.

But much like Schremp, Penner is playing below his immense potential and could certainly use a change of coaching pace after MacT, who threw DDPP under the bus on a few occasions last year and generally didn’t get along with #27 most of the time. Fortunately for Penner it was the Coach that ended up leaving town not him and perhaps the new coaching staff and a fresh approach is exactly what he needs to elevate his game.

Robert “Muffin man” Nilsson

muffin

Stats last year: 64GP 9G-20A-29 Pts

Good case scenario 09-10: 12G – 35 A – 47 Pts
Bad case scenario 09-10: 8 G – 15 A – 23 Pts

We used to love us some Robert Nilsson back in his rookie year. Quick on the wing, sporting a cool half visor and a big part of that “let’s-go-on-a-run-down-the-stretch-with-only-rookies-only-to-break-Wanye’s-heart-again” run back in 07-08.

He was able to keep himself busy during last year on many nights distributing little muffins all over the ice: when he was carrying the puck, when he nervously entered the corners, when he was directing soft little flubbers on net. Despite all this fresh baked softness he only able to score 9 goals.

9 goals – despite all the PP and ice time.

9 measly goals.

If we were coaching the Oil and Nilsson had 9 paltry goals in a season we would hire his Dad Kent to come over as a special consultant to the team. His only duty – beating his son without mercy and forcing the two to share a room on the road. That would learn the little bastard. But we suppose some of these finicky racehorses are sometimes better suited to a soft touch and by all accounts Mr. Renney and his velvet gloves should bring exactly that to the table.

Thinking about the 09-10 season

wanyesroom

When we lie awake at night in our bed – pictured above – we often now worry about how good the Oilers will be next year. We worry long and hard. If the Oil are going to do anything but repeat the same monstrous disappointment of last year, these three players above are going to have to have a big say in it. We would go so far as to suggest that as goes these three underachievers so goes the team.

9 Goals Nilsson.
You oughta be ashamed.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ cambosmash:
    Nice Rant cambosmash. Unfortunately, directed to the wrong “David/Dave S”. Guess the sh*t apple doesn’t fall far from the sh*t tree…or something like that.

    But I agree, lets get that kid line in contact with the training staff of the Washington Capitals and then see what they can do together on a line.

    Now, enough with the sh*t talk already. And, I am the liquor.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Wanye Gretz wrote:

    Anyone else have a champion donair eatery to shout out?

    Marco's Donair on 104th Ave and about 112 Street is great. Not only is the food good, they serve beer as well. Next time there's an ON party, maybe that should be the place.

    Another great one is in the food court at Sherwood Park Mall. Damn, I'm hungry now.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    cambosmash wrote:

    @ David S:
    Last year was a sh*t-nami tidal wave of sh*t and the “kid line” had their chance at the beginning of the season. They threw sh*t-muffins at the sh*t opposition on sh*t RX1 ice in a sh*t old arena in a sh*t division. If sh*tmaster Schremp stops feeling sorry for himself and doesn’t mind lighting up sh*t AHL teams for a season I’d give him a chance.
    Anyways, no more sh*t talk till we’re back in power…

    Nice Rant cambosmash. Unfortunately, directed to the wrong "David/Dave S". Guess the shit apple doesn't fall far from the shit tree.

    But I agree, lets get that kid line in contact with the training staff of the Washington Capitals and then see what they can do together on a line.

    Now, enough with the shit talk. And, I am the liquor.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Wanye Gretz wrote:

    @ freeze:
    You Sir, are welcome. Rick on the other hand with all his math loving, stats double checking BS has never laughed a day in his life. He isn’t welcome.

    Actually I am quite a funny guy, just ask me, and was about to respond with a very complimentary and humurous comment on the donair picture.

    Based on your comment I will now instead just point out that your stats on Schremp are still wrong.

    He never came close to 76 points last year.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ David S:

    I am seriously thinking about a donair too now. I only roll two places in town for donairs. Queen Donair on 154st and Stony Plain Road and the Donair Station in the west end near Terra Losa.

    Anyone else have a champion donair eatery to shout out?

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ Librarian Mike:

    There is no Erik Cole poster since his treachery. We all need to start thinking about our stars and goats for next year. I am hoping there are some offseason moves that might change my picks but I have two players in mind already.

    @ freeze:

    You Sir, are welcome. Rick on the other hand with all his math loving, stats double checking BS has never laughed a day in his life. He isn't welcome.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    @ David S:
    Last year was a sh*t-nami tidal wave of sh*t and the "kid line" had their chance at the beginning of the season. They threw sh*t-muffins at the sh*t opposition on sh*t RX1 ice in a sh*t old arena in a sh*t division. If sh*tmaster Schremp stops feeling sorry for himself and doesn't mind lighting up sh*t AHL teams for a season I'd give him a chance.

    Anyways, no more sh*t talk till we're back in power…

  • I'm a Scientist!

    Great article. I can't say I begrudge Penner for loving donair….mmmmm, donair.

    I realize it is about 99% certain to not happen, but wouldn't it be nice if Schremp cracked the lineup and scored 30-50-80? Then again, I'd also like to have a pet lion that I could ride to work.

    P.S. I love your room Wanye, but where's your Erik Cole poster?

  • I'm a Scientist!

    If Schremp just once said "Obviously I need to bust my tail in the gym this summer and come to camp with the goal to leave my guts on the ice every shift. And I need to go there showing as much passion for the game as I possibly can. This is my last chance to be in the NHL and I know it." Instead of "they owe me a spot", then I might be on board with the guy.

    As far as Nilsson goes, he's the goods – one game outta ten. If he comes to camp with the fear of god (Quinn) in him and keeps the pedal to the floor all year long, he could be something special. I know it's blasphemy to say this here here, but the original kid line (Cogs, Nils, Gags) had some juice and I'd love to see all those guys get it together as a unit.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    I noticed there were veggies in that donair, which we all know are good for you. However, Penners massive frame indicates to me that he vetoes to veggies and opts for extra sweet sauce.

  • I'm a Scientist!

    In what fantasy league did Schremp put up 76 points last year?

    And Penner's bad case scenario is a little eff'd up. 15g-10a=35points? I'm no math wiz but…

  • I'm a Scientist!

    For better or worse, I think we may be stuck with DDPP and Robert Nilsson for the next couple of seasons. I'm optimistic that Quinn/Renney should be able to get something out of these two that Mact never could.

    As far as Schremp goes, despite the Oilers organization's best efforts to strip away any trade value that this guy would have, I believe he will be packaged up with a real player in the offseason.