Wherefore art thou, Dany Boy?


Well Dany Heatley certainly shed plenty of light on his reasons for not wanting to become an Edmonton Oiler when he finally addressed the media Friday, didn’t he?

Did you expect anything different from Dour Dany, really? Did you expect clarity? Closure? The straight goods?

Do you feel better now that he graced us with his reasons for stiffing the Ottawa Senators and the Oilers with his trade demand and subsequent refusal to waive his no movement clause after Steve Tambellini put together a package of Dustin Penner, Andrew Cogliano and Ladislav Smid for the right to pay him $7.5 million a season?

To hear Heatley tell it, his tale of woe and mistreatment comes down to feeling his role has been “diminished” in Ottawa. His limbo is a hardship that can only be remedied by having “options” when it comes to picking a new team to play for, as long as that option isn’t the Oilers.

Isn’t that about it?

What he said and what he meant

By now, we all know what Heatley said. Now, you can take it at face value or you can read between the lines. I’m going to take a swing at the latter, using my Spin Translation Tool, some software I got over the internet from the same company where I purchased a great set of steak knives.

WHAT HE SAID: “There’s nothing with Edmonton personally, I just think when we asked for a trade we wanted to go about it together and we wanted some options and to this date there has only one option.

“At the time the only option was Edmonton and I wasn’t ready to make a decision at that time and I’m still not ready to make a decision until there are other options.”

WHAT HE MEANT: “Edmonton isn’t an option. Look, boys, I’m no fool. I’m from Calgary. I know all about Alberta winters. Why should I freeze my lily white ass when I can play in San Jose or Los Angeles or Anaheim? You ever tried golfing in Edmonton the second week of April?

WHAT HE SAID: “I don’t feel I can make the right decision until there are a few options. (The Oilers) were not on my initial list of teams I gave the Senators to talk to. When that trade came up it came as a big surprise and I wasn’t ready at that time nor am I now to make that decision.”

WHAT HE MEANT: “Look, man, I’m Dany F*cking Heatley. Are you trying to tell me there aren’t six, seven or maybe eight teams out there dying to shove a stack of money my way? C’mon, Bryan, I’m calling BS on that one. I gave you a list of 28 teams. Edmonton was the only team NOT on that list. They’ve missed the playoffs, like, 13 years in a row.”

WHAT HE SAID: “It’s definitely not Cory solely. I think the main reason for me is when I signed in Ottawa two years ago I thought it was to be an integral part of the team over the last two years I feel my role has diminished and especially this past season it diminished a lot more. A diminished role is the biggest thing. I feel I’m a player who can play in a lot of different situations. I’m an offensive guy but I take pride in all aspects of the game and I don’t feel I was given that role on the team.”

WHAT HE MEANT: “Clouston’s an asshole for expecting me to play within a team concept. Do this, Dany. Do that. Check. WTF? Who is this spank-off, anyway? This guy waltzes in, turns the team around and just expects me to become his yes-man? How much money does Clouston have in the bank? How many times has he scored 50 goals? As many times as Pat Quinn and Tom Renney, that’s how many.”

WHAT HE SAID: “I have a contract and I’m going to honour that contract. If I’m still a Senator at training camp time I’ll be there ready to go. I’m a hockey player and I’ll play to the best of my ability wherever I am. At the same time, we know there are other teams interested and hopefully something can get done.”

WHAT HE MEANT: I don’t give a pinch of stool if my presence at training camp causes the Senators a problem or a distraction. Like I’m going to do anything to void my contract and kiss off $7.5 million. Think again.”

WHAT HE SAID: “I think anyone that has played with me knows I’m a team guy. The way this has gone this summer has been unfortunate, but as far as my reputation, anyone I have ever played with or played for has thought of me as a good teammate.”

WHAT HE MEANT: So I’m an self-centred jerk with an inflated sense of entitlement, there’s a news bulletin. Stop the presses, you know what I’m saying? Look, even if I’m a dick, I’ll get you 40 goals. That’s all that matters, right?

Tambellini and Kevin Lowe know that. Otherwise they wouldn’t have come sniffing around, puckering up and saying pretty please. Like I’m going play with Shane Horcoff and Alex Hemsky. Screw that. I’m Dany F*cking Heatley.”

— Listen to Robin Brownlee every Thursday from 4 to 6 p.m. on Just A Game with Jason Gregor on Team 1260.

  • The Menace

    The sad part about this is hearing eric francis on the radio yesterday talking about Heatley when he was a Calgary Canuck. He said he was a gentleman, very respectful, and couldn't be a nicer guy. It's hard to guess how that much money would affect you, but i hope it wouldn't turn me into such a douche-bag.

  • DonDon

    Great translation! I can't believe there are Oiler posters still pining for Heatley. The options Heatley is looking for don't appear to be on the board. Most of the teams he prefers are in the advantageous bargaining position that they don't have to provide Ottawa with the trade value Ottawa expects and aren't about to absorb a $7.5 million salary hit at this time. Fact of the matter, 1) Heatley is a damaged asset and due to the changing economics of the NHL, he and his handlers may have to take a salary hit to reach his preferred options, and 2) Ottawa's trade value expectations must be reduced to offload this troublesome player. Real live theatre in real time.

  • Gerald R. Ford

    Uh, Robin, this is Stacey here. We can take, maybe TWO more comments, then Dany has another blog commitment.

    Seriously, why did he even bother to take questions, when he had absolutely nothing to say? "It's not about Edmonton, except Edmonton wasn't on the list, so it IS TOTALLY about Edmonton. But, I didn't say that, so don't quote me!"

    Calling that an "availability" is insulting to the intelligence of anything above the evolutionary level of seaweed. He took calls, but he was hardly "available".

    What. A. Douche.

    I did laugh when that one guy ended his call with "You didn't answer the question…". and his voice just trailed off into oblivion.


  • Westcoastoil

    Thank god he blocked the trade. He gets his NTC clause then figures he and the GM should review the trade proposals together to see where he'd like to go, after all it doesn't really matter what Ottawa gets for him right?

    If they can't trade him, can they stop him from reporting? I thought his contract plud the roster they're actually going to play with puts them over the cap. ~Maybe Murray will have to deal Kovalev to us for Schremp and Reddox~

  • Wainwright Dan

    Great read, Robin. Contrasts starkly to that weak attempt at a similiar type of article by David Staples (D-He? WTF?). Continue calling it like you see it, Robin, agree with you 100%.

  • Archaeologuy

    For 7.5 million I would expect that the willingness to win would be stronger than the desire to have your name in the marquee, but that's just pie in the sky kinda talk.

  • Librarian Mike

    *single tear rolls down my face*

    Thanks for translating the Heatley statement, Robin.

    Boy oh boy has Heatley ever painted himself into a corner. Who would have thought Yashin would end up as Public Enemy number 2 in Ottawa?

    Also, great 'mouth breather' picture, Bingofuel and/or Wanye.

  • quicksilver ballet

    It's difficult to put a finger on where things broke down and went wrong for the Oilers. Long term substandard performance at the draft? Poor Leadership?
    One has to wonder where we'd be today if those in the EIG (a number whom didn't want to give Lowe an extension) had their way and fired Lowes ass 5 yrs ago.

  • Before I would have thought he could go back to Ottawa if he'd have to. I think even some Senators thought that based on their comments on the golf course yesterday at a charity event.

    Once they see and hear these interviews and pressers, they won't want him for sure now and he's made it ten times harder to go back.

    He's screwing himself over huge now. His cockiness that teams will still come forward and just magically do what they've been unable to do now amazes me. He must think Brian Murray will just crumble and take little to no value back in return.

  • quicksilver ballet

    I'd still take him on this team…at the end of the day how many players actually live in the city that they play in, they're gone half the season anyways and then flee the city the next flight out after the last game.

    ….anyone have some anti-depressants they're willing to share?

  • Reagan

    Nice work Robin! I had a chuckle though the whole conversation part… I'm assuming the whiner will eventually get his way. What makes me laugh is that, people still think that he is still coming here.