The Great American Victory Report (Part 1 of many)

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have won its first gold medal last night but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

There are several very specific reasons why.

1. Apolo Ohno will not be denied.

The scene was looking dire for speed skating’s answer to Michael Phelps (an American, by the way). He was trailing two South Koreans on the final lap of the 1,500-meter race when one South Korean, so scared of the wrath of both Ohno and the United States of America, cut in front of his teammate and both crashed out of the race. Ohno finished in second, securing the first of his many medals in Vancouver, with a silver. JR Celski, who is also an American and therefore a winner, took bronze.

And now a list of Canadians that medaled in men’s speedskating: …

2. Hannah Kearney is not a national disgrace.

Unlike competitors in the women’s moguls from SOME countries, the competing Americans did not leave Friday night having filled their countrymen with shame and disappointment. Some woman I’ve never heard of called Jennifer Heil was, I guess, meant to be some sort of skiing champion and Canada was all like "Yeah this girl right here is our girl." And then, as if to underscore the futility of Canadian nationalism, a beautiful American hero by the name of Hannah Kearney came and swiped the gold medal right from Canada’s waiting, expecting grasp.

Can you guess who took the bronze in that event? It was Shannon Bahrke. Perhaps you’d know her better as That Other American Girl Who Sang the Star-Spangled Banner Right in Jen Heil’s Stupid Face.


3. Johnny Spillane excels at even the stupidest of sports.

I don’t know what Nordic Combined is, but I assume it’s ridiculous because up until yesterday the Americans had never won a medal in it. Dancin’ Johnny Spillane changed all that by capturing a silver medal and finishing behind some French guy who’s supposed to be the best in the world at this by just .4 seconds. It’s going to shock you, I’m sure, but there wasn’t one Canadian medalist in the event.

4. Bryon Wilson is a good sport.

Obviously any American could have mopped several good-sized floors with any Canadian who dare oppose him, but ol’ B-Dubs was just about as magnanimous as you can possibly be, and demurred to loathsome Canadian Alexandre Bilodeau. OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF HIS HEART HE DID THIS!

5. We’re not disingenuous.


Look, we all know Hawaii shouldn’t be one of the 50 United States, and any Hawaiians that happen to win medals quickly have them confiscated before they are flown back to their miserable little island without a word of congratulations.

That’s how Canadians treat Quebec every three years and 49 weeks. All I ever hear from you is how Quebec isn’t a real province and why don’t they just get out of our country. Then some French Canadian fellow with a girls’ name wins a gold and every Canadian is all like "YES THIS IS OUR GREATEST ATHLETIC ACCOMPLISHMENT OF ALL TIME." You guys are a bunch of creeps. I hope he sang O Canada in French when they gave him his medal.

6. It didn’t take America three Olympics to win gold.

First of all, let’s just look at the comparative quality of Olympic hosts. America got to host the third-ever Olympiad in 1904. Canada didn’t get to host until 1976. That’s 72 years of the IOC going, "Canada? Yeah right. We’ll let Belgium host one though for sure." Honestly, Belgium!

And anyway, y’know how long it took America to win a gold medal at an Olympiad it hosted? Like 10 minutes. For real, America won 239 of a possible 280 medals in those St. Louis 1904 Games and took 78 of 96 golds. Canada? Four, or 5.1 percent of American golds. Boom.

So Canada hosted in ’76 and ’88 and won a grand total of zero gold medals. America plundered 36. In these games, we’re tied up at one apiece. Congrats on your big, ahem, victory.

7. Weak-ass Opening Ceremonies.

Just terrible. A punk like Wayne Gretzky gets to light the torch? When was the last time he even lived in Canada? Wasn’t it like 1986 or something?

Oh, and the music. Really? You couldn’t get anyone better than kd lang? She didn’t even sing one of her own songs. She sang a Leonard Cohen song. And not even a GOOD Leonard Cohen song! Plus, rolling out Bryan Adams; what’s the matter, was Lover Boy booked? I try to take it easy on the stereotypes around here but sometimes you just step right in it with all your "eh"-ing and "beauty"-ing and it’s impossible to ignore. Bryan Adams. How appalling. Did you guys forget that Neil Freaking Young is from Toronto?

And then you can’t even get that stupid pillar to come out of the stage. Olympics ruined.

8. It’s all about medal count, baby.


Hmm I’m looking at the standings here and would you look at that, America leads in total medals with six. Let’s go down the rest of the list shall we? Germany has four. That’s nice. France has three, that’s very adorable.

Oh there’s Canada. Three medals. This has to be a typo. I can’t believe you have that many, and it’s only one more than South f’n Korea. And still half of America’s total. Hahaha. We’re still the Greatest Country in the World.

God Bless America!

  • Phil

    It would be a yank that suggests such flawed logic while simultaneously ignoring the entire raison d'être of the olympic movement. Way to go. Make the olympics a BASE display of ignorance. Brilliant.

    You may want to look at population to performance ratios, I'm sure that'll cheer you up.

    • Dyckster

      Wow, who pooped in your Corn Flakes dude. Where's the tildes?

      TLP was just funnin….weren't ya?

      *Scratches head, thinks TLP was maybe being serious. Damn you TLP!*

  • Dyckster

    ~Who allowed the blog troll to post an article on the mighty Nation!~

    Hey TLP! How many Stanley Cups has the Rouge Blanc & Bleu won? Ya, I thought so….PFFFT. 🙂

    Funny stuff!

  • Phil

    Joke or not, I don't approve of this dumb f*cking blog report. That's some grade "A" horsesh*t right there.

    Hey TLP, (there there there. – WG)

    And besides, all that really matters is the USA will get embarrassed in a few days by the absolutely dominant Canadian squad in mens hockey. Fools are gonna get crushed.

  • GSC

    As an American (and hopefully soon to be Canadian), all I can do is shake my head at this kind of chest-beating smugness that has become all too common in our culture. It's one thing to have patriotism and pride, as both are great virtues to possess, but this kind of arrogance is quite another.

    Some may see me as the self-hating American who wants to disown his country by heading North of the Border. That's bullsh*t. Despite my aspirations to obtain dual citizenship, I'll never forget where I'm from and what my heritage is.

    I'll always be one to encourage collaboration and cooperation between the US and Canada, as both sides mutually benefit from the relationship. In fact, that's a big reason why I'm looking to study and settle in Canada: I want to learn more about the history of this relationship, and to see the differences between two seemingly "identical" nations.

    I just can't stand to see this kind of ethnocentric behavior. There's no reason for it, especially when it looks like USA Hockey will be an afterthought once more in Vancouver.

    • I for one understand the humour of this post and think it is great. I also understand the humour of looking to the Coach of the Maple Leafs for a winning strategy at the Olympics.


      Also, damn you TLP.

      • GSC

        Touché, my good Wanye.

        Ya, I do see some humour in it, but I felt compelled to respond given the immediate backlash with the comments. I'm sure TLP is just looking to have some fun, and to spice things up, but I had to say something.

        The appropriate response from Canadians here (perhaps you, good Wanye) would be to make a post of their own in exalting the virtues of Canadian Olympians and the strong possibility that Hockey Canada brings home another gold.

        Now that I'm off of my soapbox, let's have some fun with this!

        • I've carved half the Canadian Media up like a thanksgiving turkey in my article today. We don't need Americans to embarass us, we will gladly do it ourselves it seems.

          The points in this article are all well said. The stinging lets you know its working!

  • GSC

    Kind of funny.

    Having said that, I'm sure this article at 16 comments is among the most ever for TLP and the flamesnation.

    I'm focusing on my country's hockey team right now instead of my NHL team, and I guess TLP is too.

    Guess the only difference is his team was supposedly a cup contender…

  • Ok ok just relax everyone. We all love to see the "ugly American" and well this was handed to us on a silver platter.

    I thought it was well done and very funny. When something is so over the top like this – well then you really have to read between the lines a little.

    And if we are honest with ourselves, point 5 is bang on correct.

  • Wanyes bastard child

    2006 Medal count, USA 25 Canada 24. Not bad for 1/10th the population. 2002 We lost, 1998 Canada 15 USA 13.

    I'd wait to beat your chest with arrogance as history has shown your 10x the population doesnt always mean domination, plus I count hockey as 23 medals personally.

  • Eric Johnson

    Crap rolls downhill, thats why it goes Canada, USA then Mexico.

    It certainly explains the smell in Detroit.

    Side note;

    Some clever americans have been holding up signs at the olympics that read U S EH.

    ~ Just when you thought you could hate them all~

  • Eric Johnson

    Do people actually hate Americans? I can't believe that. Really? Outside of a handful of teabaggers addicted to Fox News I've never disliked any of them.

  • Harlie

    (tut tut Sir. The Olympics are designed for peace – WG)

    Dude, WTF were you watching on Friday. Aside from a few glitches, the opening ceremonies were AWESOME!!! I mean can it get anymore Canadian than Gretzky riding in the back of a pickup? Surely a red necking loving Calgarian like you can appreciate the tip off to what you pass as high brow transportation.

    And need I remind of your great Lindsay Jackobellias who 4 years ago kissed her gold medal goodbye because of her stupid stunting?

    When Canada, Germany and US beats the US in medal count and standings, do the honorable thing and apologize for being such a douche. But humility is a Canadian trait, a concept a jackass like you can't comprehend.

  • Ducey

    I am thinking TLP may technically be American. He was likely born in a Ghetto, or Bayou, or some other place God "Blessed" in America. Likely his "mom" and "dad" were inmates, or first cousins, or both at the time of his conception and he has had a hard life.

    His poor upbringing is why he gravitates naturally to the Flames.

    However, at some point he must have spent a lot of time in Canada. Evidence?

    a)he appears to be able to read and write; b)he has not passed away from scurvy or other curable diseases as he has had access to proper health care; c)despite his attraction to the Flames, he appears to like and possibly understand hockey; d)his criticism of Canada and its athletes and celebrities indicates a high level of familiarity. For example, a true American upon seeing KD Lang would say "Huh? Who the hell is that? Looks like some kind of lesbian or something" e)he has heard of Quebec: f)he can count to 6

    A true American could maybe do one of these, certainly not all.

  • Anyone offended by this obviously hasn't read any

    This IS funny, guys.

    TLP, a true heel, has the fans booing him mercilessly and LOVES IT!

    Sorry pal, but the USA battling for a bronze in men's hockey will be as good as it gets for you. Meanwhile, we up here in igloo-land will cherish our GOLD forever. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

    *That was k.d.lang? And here I thought that was Mario Lemieux's Olympic contribution (or Roy Orbisson or Clay Aiken or insert funny name here).*

    **BTW, Mario Lemieux has 1 Olympic gold medal (in which he captained the team), Gretzky – zero. Yet, not even one mention of Lemieux being possibly involved beforehand**

    • Ducey

      You're right…I've never read his stuff. Probably it was so crappy, I glossed over it.

      Honestly, I don't see any humor in his rant. The Simpson's mocking the Canadian basketball team is funny. This guy comes off as troll at best, and a jackass at worst.

    • I find the paradox of a Flames fan from the USA to be so perplexing. This is a fine article and everyone freaking out needs to take it down a notch.

      Its more intense around here than in an American Nordic Combined medal celebration.

      Nice montages NBC. "Finally the drought is over" indeed.

      • GSC

        I have a hard time explaining that to my fellow flames fans,

        "You guys have to read this blog, it's absolutely hilarious."

        But, I'm a Flames fan in Vancouver, so I feel akin to TLP in more than just a flames fan way.


        Keep writing. Ignore the banter. Good work, sir.

  • Eric Johnson

    Wow there are some sensitive Sally's here in Oiler country.

    Read the article again only this time firmly place thy tongue betwixt thy cheek.

    *good grief*

  • Since we're all getting to air our sensitivities I wanna jump on board on the "wah"-train: TLP this article is garbage.

    I get the principle behind the joke. Someone with a better sense of humor could have really made this a slam dunk, but Stephen Colbert you are not.

    I used to think you were one of the funniest satire writers on the internet with your articles sarcastically praising the Calgary Flames, but now I know the truth: you weren't actually trying to be funny when you said the Flames were great – you were serious! I feel like I just spent my time laughing at what I thought was a brilliant whoopie-cushion prank, only to discover that I was just watching a poor soul publicly sh1t his pants. Of course, that analogy only goes so far because, unlike this blog post, sphincter failure is kinda funny.

    Unfortunately I had to learn this tragic lesson by finding out that this "article" is what it looks like when you're trying to be funny. Let me tell you sister, it's not pretty.

    1000 words is a little unnecessary for shock humor, and it only succeeded in dampening the rare nuggets of wit that were in there (I thought the Bryon Wilson part was funny).

    Anyway… Good talk. See you out there.