SRSLY WTF: III

Look at this dude. A fine crop of squash, a fit looking cat and a high powered rifle. Clearly this is a man who is dangerous at all times, unlike our beloved Oilers who have managed a grand sum of 2 shots during the past two 3rd periods of ice hockey. 

The Oilers are 8th in the NHL for third period scoring with 31 tallies in the final frame.  This puts them ahead of such fine squads as Pittsburgh (29) Dallas (24) and Anaheim (30) and ties them with the Red Wings of the Motor City. On the surface one could say "all sorts of problems with the Oil this year – but the third period ain’t one of them."

And yet there are the statistics – a single shot in the third against the Canucks and again the same against the Bolts on Friday night. And yet they win the first game in a shootout and only lose the second game by a score of 2-1.

WTF?

If being outshout 31-2 in the third period during the last two games doesn’t raise some sort of alarm at Oilers HQ we don’t know what will.

Yikes.

OBOYOBOYOBOY

According to the Oilers website, the cheerleaders arrive at RX1 against the Maple Leafs on Tuesday.

"When the Oilers take on the Toronto Maple Leafs at Rexall Place, fans at that game will have the first opportunity to meet the newly created Oilers Cheer Team. As part of their debut performance, the Cheer Team will perform in-game, interact with fans on the concourse and help with the in-game promotions throughout the evening. In addition the Cheer Team name will be announced and their website will go live to fans across the world."

This is going to go down as one of the finest moments in the life of Lord Baron von Wanye von Gretz IV LLP MBA . Imagine this? 19 girls aged 18-29 that are legally obligated to interact with fans on the concourse level of RX1?

Color us stalker red, we are going to arrive at the game hours in advance, dressed in the finest tuxedo that money can rent.

19 bouquets of roses, 19 bottles of entry priced champagne and a full body wax shouldn’t cost us more than a few hundred bucks. A small price to pay to mingle with a bevy of ladies who are obligated – by the charter constitution of the Edmonton Oilers mind you – to stop and say hello for a few minutes.

A few minutes is all we need to shower them with praise and gifts and line up a date later that evening to listen to the dulcet sounds of Willow Smith and enjoy a guided tour of our kick ass sword collection.

Yep, Christmas has come early at Wanye Manor. Goodbye lavalife account. Goodbye fake profile on plentyoffish. Goodbye questions at family events like "when are you bringing a lady with you Wanye?"

It is all resolved Tuesday against the Leafs.

If you have tips to pick up cheerleaders leave them in the comments below. Not that we will need any help mind you, but just to see what other strategies might work in the event we are looking to date several cheerleaders simultaneously.

      • Yes… use that ginormous head of yours Chris and come up with something to make me… and everyone else laughor appreciate the comment.

        There is nothing better than a FIST being worked into A) a knoledgable hockey post, or B) a whitty comment.

        I hate to give the Anti-FISTers something to latch onto and this is just prime ammo.

        As far as my 2 cents on this Cheerlead team, please… for the love of god… LET THEM BE HOT.

        PS. @ Wanye… what about OilersNation Cheerleaders?? The chances of you being able to wheel multiple employees is much higher than multiple random girls…

  • The 'Real' Ron Burgundy

    Finally my constant procrastination has lead to my fist fist!

    I’m not sure being the fist canadian team to have a cheer squad is good or bad.

    however, if the oil have games like sunday, I guess they can’t hurt.

    It could be worse, like cheering for the flames.

  • Emvee

    There is three reasons for me to pvr the gave tonight:
    1) hoping renney lit a fire under thier shorts and they get more shots on goal resulting in a win.
    2) I pray to the hockey gods that phagoof gets flattened.
    3) lastly,watch Ron Wilson tweak behind the leafs bench and read some lips!

    C’mon oil and bring this one home!!!

      • Ender

        I’m back, Baby. You have to put up with me again; I got in at midnight last night. Today was on the books as a work-day but in reality I had a lot of remedial reading to do.

        The Oilers won while I was away? How dare they? Omark got called up and had a sick shoot-out goal? Thank goodness for Youtube. The anti-cheerleader petition has about as much force as (insert something that has very little force)? Damn straight, and thank you Jeanshorts for your influence.

        What else did I miss? Was it as fun as the 50-yard swimming dash I had outrunning a 10′ saltwater crocodile? (true story)

        I notice we’re ahead of Calgary in the standings, and that Souray has 7 points in 14 games and isn’t even in the top pairing on his AHL team. Life looks pretty sunny just about everywhere I go.

  • Skidplate

    Try:

    Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

    I was blinded by your beauty so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

    Hey I just realized this, but you look like my next girlfriend.

    If these don’t work, try some alcohol, lots of alcohol.

  • The poster formerly known as Koolaid drinker #33

    Try these:

    Hey baby you dropped something…….my jaw (make sure your mouth is wide open as she turns to look at you)

    Hey baby, wanna go for pizza and a f*ck?
    As she walks away disgusted yell out: “What’s the matter you don’t like pizza?”

    These never work but they’re just fun to do.

  • bhlazo

    Try these:

    Hi, there, if your left leg is thanksgiving and your right leg christmas, can I visit you between the holidays

    or,

    you and one of the ON faithful walk up to one of them. Have (insert name here) say “Excuse me” and look her right in the eyes for a few moments, then without saying anything further have said wingman turn to you, slap a twenty in your hand and say, “You were right, she does have eyes that leave you in greater awe than a star lit sky” and then walk away……As he walks away turn to her and say” I really dont like it when people try to dispute truths….my name is Wanye by the way………..

    Almost worked the one time……..if only i didn’t shout EUREKA!!! I THINK I GOT HER……..

  • Rob...

    Easy, Wanye. Wear that tux you’re going to rent, pick your hair into a wild fro and claim to be Daryl Katz’s son. The Cheerleaders won’t know the difference and you’ll be guaranteed to get lucky.

  • Number 94 Is FIST In My Heart

    Wanye, sir, you are in for a treat with the cheerleaders. I work as and event security member, and they were running around the building getting used to it last tuesday, and well they are all beautiful, and very nice women. If they are nice before they even have to be, well all you have to do is talk to them.

  • Ender

    Ask them how their day is going and what kind of things they do when not at work. Be interested and smile. If they’re digging it, they’ll ask you what you do, then say: “I know you’ve got to work, and we should look at getting together and doing thing x that you like”. If she says: “I have a boyfriend”; just say: “I understand, that’s fine, he can come too, but he probably doesn’t like thing x, so we could just make it you and I? Either way, we should trade phone numbers, just in case.”

  • Gregor is going to have the inside track with the Ice Girls for sure. You see, he writes this weekly league wrap-up on an ultra-popular local Oilers website. Of course this wrap-up always includes hot girls, so we have the formula:

    Press Pass + Local Celeb + Guaranteed ON Fame + Ruth’s Chris gift certificate + Free PB popcorn = Gregor scores before Wanye

    Sorry dude. Maybe you can be Gregor’s wingman or something.

  • m3sh

    I’ve been with the same woman for 14 years so I forgot how one actually goes about “trying” to get laid.

    Kids and whatnot, as Ender said, you basically take whatever mommy and daddy alone time you can get.

    Not that I’m not really full of pearls of wisdom or anything and not to be a buzzkill but we all know there’s no set rules on lines that actually work. Come to think of it… can anyone honestly say a line has ever worked? I’m honestly curious, I met my wife when I was 16 so never really had to work at this whole “adult dating” thing. (You poor poor bastards).

    As most are suggesting, the easiest although likely more expensive method (thankyour Rexall pricing) is alcohol. Lots of alcohol.

  • m3sh

    Props to Eureka
    If your left leg is Tuesday and your right leg is Thursday, could you fit me in Wednesday?

    Looks like the longest streak in hockey will end to night when Wanye fianlly changes his underwear!
    (Also, stole this line from somewhere)