OGDB 1: CANADA v. NORWAY

 

OH SNAP Puffy! The Olympic Games finally get underway today when the Canadian Men’s Ice Hockey Team faces off against the Norwegians in Vancouver. The Canadians are looking to set the tone with a big start against Norway, showing that a single practice in the last 4 months is exactly enough preparation for this bunch of All Stars to dominate the ice.

If the Turin games are to be used as a statistic in looking at this completely revamped 2010 Squadron, we suppose that it is worth noting that Norway is nowhere to be found on the standings in Turino and the Canadian team received medals made of vanilla pudding or whatever is handed off to the 7th place finishers.

THE 124 MILLION DOLLAR SOLUTION

Whatever the case, the Canadians are icing a team with an eye popping annual salary cap of nearly 124 million dollars, all numbers courtesy of nhlnumbers.com. And before you start yelling like a Dutch Speedskating fan, this is actual 09/10 money, not cap hit.

The only guys who aren’t Power Balling Supreme are either on the verge of a vastly richer deal kicking in (Toews and Keith) or are going to get a truckload of money from their current employer (Doughty) just as soon as he wins us all a Gold medal to even further increase his value to the Kings.

G Martin Brodeur – 5.2 million 

G Marc-André Fleury – 3.5 million 

G Roberto Luongo – 7.5 million 

D Dan Boyle – 6.667 million 

D Drew Doughty – 0.875 million 

D Duncan Keith – 1.9 million 

D Scott Niedermayer – 6.0 million

D Chris Pronger – 6.25 million 

D Brent Seabrook – 3.5 million 

D Shea Weber – 4.5 million 

F Patrice Bergeron – 5 million 

F Sidney Crosby –  9 million 

F Ryan Getzlaf – 5.125 million 

F Dany Heatley – 8 million 

F Jarome Iginla – 7 million 

F Patrick Marleau – 6.3 million 

F Brenden Morrow – 4.1 million  

F Rick Nash – 7 million 

F Mike Richards – 5.6 million  

F Corey Perry – 6.5 million 

F Eric Staal – 6 million 

F Joe Thornton – 7.2 million 

F Jonathan Toews – 0.85 million 

Total 2009/10 Salary: $123.57 million dollars

BIG SMOKE

Who is really icing the team that is going to own the Podium now huh? That kind of money must make the Hockey players blow past the Male Ice Dancers in the hallway of the Athlete’s Village with a certain swagger don’t you think?

To put that total in perspective, consider that the entire speed skating program has an annual budget of $4,200 – or roughly what Sidney Crosby will earn during the National Anthem tonight.

So if the Canadians don’t get us the danged gold medal we have our hearts set on, it ain’t salary cap issues bogging this team down.

TODAY’S LINE UP

Roberto Luongo has been announced as the go to guy to start in goal against Norway today. The rest of the team is listed below and made $500,485 in the time it took you to read this article. 

Figuring out what player plays what forward is playing what position is a national secret that is being kept underground, in a bunker 12 miles under BC Place at the present time. But we can say that Pronger has apparently been splitting his time in practice yesterday with both Boyle and Daughty because he is such a great big jerk* but that it appears Boyle will be his partner once the puck drops.

*except in the Olympics

AWESOME FORWARDS

Crosby – Nash – Bergeron

Perry – Getzlaf – Staal

Iginla – Toews – Morrow

Thornton – Heatley – Marleau

Richards

AWESOME DEFENSEMEN

Niedermayer – Weber

Keith – Seabrook

Pronger – Boyle

Doughty

AWESOME GOALIES

Luongo (Starting)

Brodeur (Being awesome on the bench)

Fleury (Being awesome in the cheap seats somewhere)

FINALLY

Do Kerrin Lee-Gartner 1992 Gold Medalist in the Downhill proud fellas.

Let’s get at ‘er.

    • I'm a Scientist!

      I am just going to pretend that it is like sleeping with an ex-girlfriend. You had a nasty break up awhile ago because she was a cheating whore but you recently ran into her again and Daaaaaayummm she was looking fine in that red dress. You are a bit horny since it has been a while since you last scored. One thing leads to another and you end up scoring numerous times in the next two weeks. At the end of those two weeks you feel pretty good about yourself and your gold medal performance but that is when she cuts you off and heads back to her other boyfriend leaving you jaded and pissed off again. The hatred returns and life progresses as usual…

      • Ender

        I see where you're coming from, but this gapped-toothed, gimp-eyed, dicthed us without an explaination and ignored us this summer when we asked her out. I'm all for using her, but in the end she's the one who get's the prize and we're left feeling used.

        I'm so used to losing that I think I'm ok with a loss as long as Pronger or Heatly get are wearing the goat horns on the play that cost the team

          • I'm a Scientist!

            Sometimes you just have to take one for the team….like taking the fat girl home so your buddy can take the hot girl home. You might not like what you are looking at as it happens, but the end result will feel just as good.

            Suck it up princess! They are Canadian and they are damn good hockey players! Get rid of your grudge already and go get some!

          • I'm a Scientist!

            That could explain why it is so quiet around these parts! Shouldn't we be blowin' up with discussions about the first REAL hockey game in these parts since Peter Pocklington sold the soul of our city??? There are things to comment on, players to critique, fashion statements to make and dagnabbit if Wanye doesn't fly to Vancouver break into the speed skating arena and ghost ride the hell out of that broken down piece of eco garbage I am seriously going to wonder if I woke up in a nightmare…

            *breathes into a brown paper bag*

      • PattQuinn'sChesthair

        Yeah its going to be a bittersweet romance, the Human Rake and Danny F'n Heatley connecting for sweet sweet goals on the PP. It makes me want to barf and yet I cant help but get a chubby just thinking about it. Is that wrong?*

        *runs back to his "quiet place" until the puck drops to contemplate the complexities of Hockey Love.

      • Ender

        Pretty darn good analogy, but I'll throw one small ammendment in:

        You know it's all about current performance. She's still a cheating whore, you know there's ZERO chance you'd ever make her your girlfriend again, but as long as she's willing to do things that make you feel OH SO GOOD you're willing to temporarily overlook past indiscretions. And when she goes back to her other boyfriend (meh), you just smile at him and say "Thanks for the loan, punk."

  • Homie

    7-4 Canada. Luongo gets pulled after 3 goals on 6 shots and some pivotal player for Canada blows out their knee. The adversity will make bringing home the gold that much sweeter.

  • Ender

    $123.57M per season ≈ $0.515M per day.

    How slow do you think we read?! I'll have you know I finished the whole article in under two hours, thank you very much.

  • Not sure if the game is on Edmonton radio, but FAN960 in Calgary is carrying it, and the best radio play-by-play man in Alberta will be calling the action – thee legendary, Hall-of-Famer… Peter Maher.

  • Finns or Norewgians it doesn't matter. Team Canada kicks those Nordic bitches right through the glass and wrecks the environmentally friendly Olympia Ice re-surfacer.

    9-1

    Bobby Lou is incapable of getting a shutout (in my hockey pool anyway.)