STRETCH RUN HATERADE

We have completely forgotten how to behave as the fan of a 30th place hockey team. Even though your team has been written off months ago, you still have a responsibility to send ill will to your enemies via the magic of telepathy. Misery loves company and there are a great many hopeful hockey fans clinging to dreams of a 2011 Playoff Run and living their lives day-to-day.

What do you do when your team is filled to the brim with the suck juice? You pour a tall glass of haterade for your enemies and force them to drink deeply.

Here are two squads that need to be jinxed post haste.

CALGARY FLAMES = BOO

There was a time this season when Oilers fans could find some solace in the fact that their neighbours down the QE2 were also witnessing some terrible hockey. "The Oil might be crap," sad fans would say to one another "but at least they aren’t the Flames. They are an aging bunch of stars, has beens and never weres and they cost a ton. At least the Oilers are young and cheap and can only get better from here."

What was once in 14th place is now in 10th. Jarome Iginla remembered that he is a magical second half player and he has settled the team squarely on his shoulders and is driving hard to the post season. Still, at only 4-4-2 in their past 10 games and just having lost a key game to the Sharks 6-3 – a recent poll at FlamesNation.ca has 74% of Flames Fans thinking they will miss the post season.

Query: Does anyone remember what a big game down the stretch feels like anymore? Neither do we.

We want the Flames to miss the playoffs so bad. If for no other reason than to silence Flames fans around the interwebs and to lead us to a hilarious summer of witty comebacks like "we may suck, but you do too. And thanks for taking Staios off our hands you clowns."

The next game for the Flames is against the Oil. If the Oklahoma City Barons could ever pretend to be an NHL team for a night, dressed in Oilers silks – this would be a dandy to win.

LA KINGS = ALSO BOO

Stupid LA Kings. Chock full of ex-Oilers that were run out of town who have now found a second life in the land of palm trees, mandatory breast enhancement surgery and the like. We laughed heartily at a recent screening of Battle LA thinking "are you happy you are in LA now Dustin Penner? Think the aliens would launch a global attack in Edmonton? Not bloody likely my fat friend."

Hating on the Kings has an even richer prize for Oilers fans. We are the fortunate recipient of their first round pick in the 2011 Entry Draft. Every game that they are able to gas down the stretch brings a better player home to Wanye come draft time this June. At 6-6-2 in their past 10, the Kings are only two points out of a playoff spot.

As much as it pains us to crap on the current employers of Ryan Smyth – who should find a way to come home by the by – we can’t help but make an LA Kings voodoo doll out of human hair and cheer against them with all our might. If not to ruin the plans of Stoll, Penner and Greene – but to ensure another top drawer first round pick for the Oilers.

  • I used the youtube to listen to a paul lorieau grammy winning ballad known as “O Canada”. He had the crowd using some shiny silver waving tool and yelling so loud that I couldnt even hear him sing the piece.

    I looked up on the interweb ticket holder to see when his next performance like that would be and it said “this is a playoff performance only, Paul has retired”. I started to cry and cursed every team in the league for not giving Paul the encore he deserves! Damn you! especially Calgary, you suck!!