THOSE DAMNED CANUCKS

For three consecutive rounds we have called for the Canucks to lose their serieses. For three consecutive rounds we have been disappointed. We have now upped the ante and had a buddy in Vegas place a cool $10 beans on every team in the Conference Finals to win save the Canucks. Money talks Nation and our money says "anyone but Vancouver."

HEAVEN HELP US ALL

The most recent rapture may have passed us by with little end-of-days-type-activity but the one sign of the apocalypse we can’t shake is the fact that the Canucks are still cruising along in these here playoffs. Watching the Sedins and Luongo celebrating an overtime series win dang near made our eyes cry tears of battery acid last night.

They are now officially running on all cylinders Chez Canucks. The twins are scoring left and right, Luongo is kicking out the old pads turning away the rubber scoring discs like crazy. Kesler is hating everyone and smashing everything. It is everything we didn’t want to see, happening before our very tear filled eyes.

Oh the injustice of it all. The fairweather fans in Vancouver will now jack the price of tickets straight through the roof. Brand new Canucks jerseys will fly off the shelves at Sport Cheks everywhere and people all around the Country will suddenly remember "they ARE huge Canucks fans and have been all along! Didn’t you know?"

Our stupid brother is living la vida loca out in Vancouver. He called us last night in complete and utter joy. "Seems the Canucks are four away from a Cup win. Care to place a wager on things?" Not only did we take him up on his ill advised bet but we cursed him as only a fan of the Oilers could.

"We will bet you a few clams that the Canucks lose. But for an extra element of difficulty we want odds that you suffer the same fate as have the Oilers and the Flames. Push the series to a seventh game then gas it in the final match. I place a second bet that the Canucks lose in 7 and break all your BC Bud loving hearts."

And so it was written and so it was done. Damn you Canucks. Damn you straight to Game Seven Hell.

SILVER LINING

Nice work in the playoffs Dany Heatley. You dink.

  • Chris.

    The trick is to reward yourself with something nice…something that you wouldn’t normally get, or do…maybe something you’ve always wanted but can’t really afford:

    Promise yourself you’ll get or do that but only if the Canucks win. I’m thinking I’ll get a quad. I’ll just shut off the TV and buy a quad. When the nausea hits: I’ll ball up my rage, and hit the trails. The only draw back to my plan is that I’ll probably die alone on a trail tapped under a couple thousand pounds of flipped steel still cursing Vancouver with my last breath.

    Jeanshorts: you should probably just get a very aggressive lap dance in Vegas.

  • Mantastic

    One has to respect a article like this that points out the great work of the Canucks yet still thinks they will blow it,and i will respect this writer even more when Henrik raises Lords Stanley Cup and once and for all shuts people like this up .There is only one more thing after this happens that makes me wonder how many of these Canuck haters will still not give credit were credit is due,it will be kinda like now as people taken in by the 2012 scam but are still in denial that they really have no point in what they have said, and i will have a nice pot of crow stew for all of you who have the balls to stand up and admit you were wrong and Canucks rule as the best team in the NHL.

  • justDOit

    Keep the negativity coming hockey fans of losing teams. Kesler takes that negative energy, swallows it down and turns it into body checks and goals. Luongo takes it and shoves it in his pads to make them bigger and block more shots. The Sedin twins and Burrows… well they don’t understand English very well so they don’t even know about your bitterness. They haven’t had time to learn it what with all the perfect passes and sweet goal scoring they’ve been doing. Bieksa… well you’re lucky he’s so busy captalizing on bad bounces or he might come to your house and eat your babies.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go plan a parade route. GO CANUCKS GO! BELIEVE IN BLUE! KES WE CAN! IN LU WE TRUST! BIEK-CELLENT! WIN DA TURD & DA CUP!

    • Oilers4ever

      Meh.. even if they do win… I think you should remember this…

      Your team won’t ever win 4 in 5 years, 5 in 7 years, be considered a dynasty, etc etc etc…

      3 cup appearances in 40 years.. whoopee.. we have 7 in 33…

      Should I keep the math going? This was the Canucks what.. 3 conference final in their 40 years as well.. I think we’ve had three of those in a row, multiple occassions…

      Please.. nothing worse than chump Canuck fans who think their team is so damn hot when they have NEVER won anything worth anything of value… shooting off confetti over a West Conf championship.. oh.. because that’s such a big accomplishment..

      Seriously, when your team actually does something big and wins it.. multiple times.. and has dynasty tattooed on their asses come talk to us.. until then.. they are nothing but a bunch of chucklehead wannabees who would not know when to really win “THE BIG GAME” if it hit them right between the eyes…

      Bruins in 5….

      PERIOD

    • OilDrop89

      Sucks that you guys have to… you know, plan the route for the parade rather than already have one in place, one that’s… held parades of the winning variety before.

      We’ve been holding this whole “Stanley Cup” party for years, nice to see that you guys are finally catching up.

      Worst of luck to ya.

  • justDOit

    Wanye, why did you crop out the strategically placed ho cards from the pic?

    That’s almost as bad as TMZ running that fake pic of the Sperminator riding his sister’s bike in Idaho.

  • Dutchscooter

    I only hope that by Game 5 Vancouver slips into the Pacific after the shock of Boston winning…..and as it slips into the sea, it’ll beat Luongo 5-hole.

  • paul wodehouse

    The Match up

    Van vs Boston: Really? With dough bough Tim Thomas in net. Did any of you guys watch the game tonight? WOW He’s no Bobby Lou that’s for sure.

    Hammy will shutdown Lucic

    I’ll take H.Sedin and Kesler up the middle anyday over anybody Boston has.

    SO Nucks in 6.

    Van vs Tampa

    They have NO D. Ohlund Really? YOu were great as a nuck 4 years ago. Hedman suffers from Corey Sarich syndrome.

    WE have so much depth I’ll say Nucks in 5.

    Victoria marry me, that was the best take on this website.

    Flames fan you should take Ty Rattie with your pick. Just a thought.

  • striker777

    I hate the canucks as much as everyone else in Canada, but it was nice to see Danny “Swimming with Dolphins” Heatley lose again. Enjoy the ocean, Danny and hope you’ll never touch the Cup!

  • This board really makes me happy. People who might just stop watching hockey altogether if the Canucks win. People who have to make plans to blow money on big toys if the Canucks win. People who get so irritated at an organization actually celebrating an important win that they have to turn it into a rant. People who are made physically sick by the failure of Chicago, Nashville and SJ to beat the best team in the league.

    Knowing that this Canucks run is hurting you all _that much_ is like icing on a cake. So sweet and tasty, but good looking too.

  • Im a Leaf Fan Living in Vancouver, and yes I know the Leafs have seen better days. but it is so annoying listening to David Pratt…constantly knocking the Leafs…all year long, only to seek approval from Toronto Fans….”Ya I know your leafs suck, I hate them and anything to do with Toronto, but what do you think of the Canucks?”
    While I lived in Toronto, Vancouver was an afterthought..”Ok so they got an NHL team, good for them”
    Vancouver believes that it is hard done by being out west, that the whole world revolves around Toronto?
    “We have to have early games to makes the folks back east happy” Blah Blah Blah…
    where it really matters…in the rest of Canada, No one really cares about the Canucks in the rest of Canada, thanks to likes of David Pratt. I would cheer for the Oilers, Flames and Habs before I would cheer for the Canucks…Give my team respect, and you will get it from me…
    A B C

    Anybody But Canucks