Whoooooo boy. We thought the Photoshop Contest for the plans of the Oilers Brass was a great contest. But the entries for the Ryan Smyth Returning contest are even more epic if that is somehow possible. With a $94 gift card at Oodle Noodle Downtown up for grabs – one of the best places to eat on planet Earth as far as we are concerned – the entries were piling up in WanyeMail this week.
We were going to cap the finalists at 10 but extended it to 14. Why? Because we are drunk on power and potentially still drunk from Bud Lights, that’s why.
As usual we are going to keep the authors anonymous to keep from it turning into a popularity contest which would ultimately be won by Commander Ender. We kept it secret last time too, when the contest was won by (looks up winner) oh. Commander Ender won that too.
Ahem. On with the show!
Look at those golden tresses spilling sexily out of the tower made from the Stanley Cup. Look at the super 3 climbing up. How did he find the little heads to go on the little bodies? Where did he find little climbing bodies for that matter?
Creating more questions than answers. this is a solid effing contender where we come from.
#2: MULLET FORCE
Naming the plane the Sedin slapper? Oh yeah. Getting a Chuck Norris shot above the tousled hair of the Smythian one? Helicopters flying this way and that? FLAXEN LOCKS OF DEATH RAINING DOWN?! It’s a good thing we have total control over our bodily functions or we might have peed a little when we first saw this poster in WanyeMail.
#3: CAPTAIN CANADA
How do people find these heads to slap on the bodies in this contest? "About #@#$ time" indeed Smyth. You’re home now where you belong and this entry captures the moment for all eternity. Big ups on the Oil drop superhero belt too, it’s the small touches that make a huge difference in a race this tight.
#4: RYAN’S ANGELS
Any time an entry can clearly show that an Oiler would make a fetching woman should the need arise, it gets some serious points in our book. We originally thought this one a bit risque, after all it allows Ryan Jones a longer ration of hair than #94. But then we saw how cute Nugent-Hopkins looked and had a good laugh at the nod to the farm team on the wall and we realized this is one of the best in class.
#5: LORD OF THE RINK
This baby is filled with such rich creamery detail that it doesn’t do it justice in this small version required for Nation display. We orignally rose in our chair with rage to see what this artist did with our beloved Jordan Eberle’s visage, but then saw that Tambellini is Gollum and we had a hearty laugh.
Then standing for no apparent reason, we went and made ourselves a sandwich. That’s photoshop contest judging for you!
#6: SHOWER SCENE
What this entry may lack in detail, it makes up for in comedy. "Was it all a dream?" It was a nightmare showering-Ryan-Smyth. A damned nightmare. Thank the Gods of Hockey that you are home now and all will be well again.
#7: THE GOLDEN MULLET
Sweet baby Jordan Eberle rocking in his manger. Look at the hair on Smyth! It’s everywhere all at once, wrapping around him in blonde splendor. This is a solid entry and could end up being a look on the runways of Edmonton fashion shows for the fall season, should such a thing exist.
#8: FOR THE LOVE OF RYAN
The cryptic BM initials in this masterpiece may tip off the casual observer as to the author of this work, but we will allow it. Messing with a single pixel of this entry would not only be an insult to Ryan Smyth, but to humanity itself. These sorts of landmark works need to be preserved at all costs, not messed with by some sexy photoshop judge who gets semi-regular booty calls from the women of Edmonton.
#9: RETURN OF THE RYAN
Having laid our head down on a Natale Portman-Star Wars pillow case from 2004-2008 we get excited over these type of entries. They make for a hilarious way to get a bunch of player faces into the poster and mock Steve Tambellini soundly in the process. Mission accomplished here. Bonus points for working in the photo from Eberle’s draft day, which is one of the happiest l’il faces you will ever see.
#10: HISTORY WILL BE MADE
Anytime a photoshop wizard takes the approach of putting the Oilers in a Cup winning scenario we get weepy eyed and have to go put the plate from our sandwich away. Or at least that’s what happened today when we uncorked this beauty in the inbox. The quality of the photo is tremendous and the updated 1980s Cup Win scene is brilliant. This entry could be tough to beat.
#11: BACK TO THE MULLET
O boy is this ever epic. A nod to the classic Michael J Fox film. Putting Smyth in a vest but keeping a helmet on his head. What’s that Christopher-Lloyd-playing-the-Doc? The future is indeed bright? We couldn’t agree more and this entry hits the nail on the head.
MMMMM. Yes. Ryan Smyth is a hero. Bonus points for working in an OilersNation logo which is sure to get you love from the judges. If we lived in Gladiator times Ryan Smyth would totally be one of the crowd favourites. Not only would he kill the lions, other competitors and anything else in the arena, but he would go around flipping pucks to the Roman Children in the crowd afterwards.
Yes, this will do nicely.
#13: TO DO LIST
Gods help us all if the Oilers can see fit to accomplish the second item on this to do list. When they ultimately do, the fine people in Edmonton will be treated to a one man naked parade down Jasper Avenue immediately after the game ends. Complete with high kicks and a diamond encrusted sceptre, we will bawl our way from 97 street down to 109th, before turning South towards the Legislature building.
Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh yeah. This is a great entry.
#14: THE SECOND COMING
Is comparing Ryan Smyth’s return to the rise of Jesus sacriligious or wrong in any way? Heavens no. We happen to think that Jesus would take this as a compliment. We called the Vatican to speak to the Pope to confirm this as the case, but were put on hold for an extended period of time for some reason. Knowing that everyone was looking forward to judging these works of art, we put the Vatican on hold and got on with the show. That’s a power move if you ask us.
Put down some of the favourites in the comments below along with words of praise for the authors. We will eyeball the top 5 entries and put them up for vote tomorrow at some point. Remember that $94 in delicious Oodle Noodle at the Downtown location hangs in the balance.
This is as real as it gets.