THE TRAGEDY OF THE JORDAN EBERLE CONTRACT

Disappointing news out of Edmonton Oilers HQ broke this afternoon with the announcement that the Oilers extended the contract of Jordan Eberle by a mere six years for a piddling 36 million dollars. This is not only a terrible sum and an awful term, but it also provides a chilling insight into what the future holds for us all.

 In signing Eberle to a six year extension the Oilers have confirmed several facts about the near future:

1. THE WORLD ENDS IN 2019

 

It’s clear that the Oilers brass have determined that some sort of extinction level event will occur in the 2019 offseason. The only conceivable reason not to sign 14 past this point is that humanity itself will come to conclusion and contracts past this point will be meaningless.

The Oilers haven’t pin pointed the last day on Earth as of yet, but are sure to release more information as it gets closer on the horizon. Personally we don’t want to live in a world where the Oilers don’t have Jordan Eberle under contract, so this will be as good a time as any to make peace with the Almighty anyway.

It’s going to happen. You’ll see.

2. NUMBERS WILL STOP AT SIX MILLION

At some point in the next six years, a consortium of scientists, economic types and calculators around the world are going to declare 6 million to be the highest unit of measurement recognized by GAAP and other accepted numbering conventions.

"How much money is Bill Gates worth?" people will ask and the reply will come "oh man he is crazy rich. I’ve heard as high as six million in the bank."

Same will go in other fields of studies. It will be widely accepted that 6,000,000 people live on Earth. 6 million stars will light up the night sky. The clothing line Billionaire Boys Club will be forced to dial back it’s largesse to a more manageable "6 Million Dollar Boys Club"

It’s going to happen. You’ll see.

3. EBERLE IS THE NEXT CAPTAIN OF THE OIL

It’s going to happen. You’ll see.

EXPERT ANALYSIS

When this contract expires, the Oilers brass review the books and see all of the millions lying about the offices that could have been given to Jordan Eberle they will realize the magnitude of their mistake and won’t see employment in any executive capacity for the remainder of their lives.

May history find some way to rationalize this obviously terrible decision.

#SQUEEEEEE

  • @David S

    There are times in an evening when a Gentleman needs to have a stack of fives at the ready. You can buy lots of things for $5, things you wouldn’t want four of for $20.

    @Haters

    KISSES!

  • Whaaaaaats that you say?????

    Who cares about the money already,everyones got money in the NHL,these days,open your eyes man,WINNING THE STANLEY CUP is back in fashion.

    The grass is always greener type of thing,you know???

    This had to happen once salarys stabilised,players want the CUP now ,they all already accomplished the money part,so there is no motivator there anymore,its about winning again not money.

    In the old days players WON the cup to make more money,now they have the money and they want the cup,ha ha ha.

  • stretch14

    ‘Are you kidding me? Whining because he got one year less that Hallsy? Sorry, but so long as Taylor is around, Jordan will never be a captain on this team. I can see him and Nuge being A’s, but never the C. Taylor is the leader of this team and unless he plays himself off of it because of injuries, that won’t change.

    I think this is a smart move by mgmt. It will give time when each of these contracts expire so that they they can renew one without worrying about the other one at the same time. This will continue to roll down with the contracts for RNH and Yaks.

    Now just get the damn CBA done so we can start preseason already!

    bang on. Hall already is the captain of this team, they’re just keeping the C on Horc to justify his contract. 6mil for Ebs might be a bit of an overpayment, but not too much to complain.