YOU AINT GOT NOTHING

Welly. Welly. Welly. If our old friends at Bodog didn’t release the odds of winning the Stanley Cup now that the lockout has ended – a mere 145 months after it began. Good news in these parts up here in Edmonton, because it confirms something we already knew – The Oilers are awesome.

Yes, despite what consecutive years of 30th, 31st, 30th and 29th might tell you the Mighty Oil are on a massive upswing and the rest of you Canadian hockey fans must be just green with envy. You think your team is good? You think you are some kind of Pimp?

You ain’t nothing. We feel like Datta Phuge these days – King Pimp of Pimp Island.

CHECK THIS GUY OUT

So what you got fans of other teams? Couple decent players? Some sort of fancy car? Maybe a nice watch? Well in Edmonton we are rolling in a solid gold shirt these days.

You read that right: A SOLID GOLD SHIRT:

Datta Phuge, a chit fund businessman from Pimpri, India, refers to himself as “The Gold Man of Pimpri” and in order to live up to this image, he has recently commissioned a 22-karat gold shirt weighing 3.2 kilograms that’s bound to make some Western rappers green with envy.

Datta Phuge totally speaks to us. This guy gets it. He has swagger, class and all the humility that one would expect from a resident of a town called Pimpri.

NOW BACK TO YOU

As the fan of a team that is no longer statisically favoured to come in last place we now have an embarassment of riches on our hands. And when you are no longer last it is your duty – nay your very destiny – to bash the others in the league.

VANCOUVER: 9-1 ODDS

Kesler hurt. Sedins still weirdo sissy twins and getting older by the day. Luongo on his way out of town for heavens knows what in return. You may have won the Western Conference – its hard to recall it was so long ago – but the team is definitely past its prime.

You may finish above the Mighty Oil this year but we wouldn’t trade rosters with you if you threw in Lindsay Lohan circa 2004 to sweeten the deal.

CALGARY: 50-1 ODDS

Flames fans are a lot like this fella. Living in a dream world and making believe that a stack of ones is something to floss with. Except that if this kid was actually was the Flames, he would be 157 years old and would be contractually prohibited from moving across the street.

The Flames might put a streak together here or there but rest assured they are well on their way to a slow painful decline. Couldn’t happen to a better City if you ask us.

WINNIPEG: 50-1 ODDS

We actually have no beef with you Winnipeg. We are happy to have you back in the NHL and we know that Jets fans have blown the doors off all expectations for franchise support. Good luck to you this season – you get a free pass.

For now.

TORONTO: 30-1 ODDS

Want a free pass too? Screw you Toronto. You don’t get a free anything. In fact you are exactly like this guy. All the money in the world and just embarassing yourself with how you spend it. We all get it. You have a lot of money to throw around. And you spend it like you are the Dean of Economics at Allen Iverson University.

Sure you may land Luongo and you did snag Phaneuf but it’s all such an expensive classless mess that you end up looking like a dude walking down the street with 100 watches but you don’t even know what time it is.

Plus you fired Burke today. What’s up with that?

MONTREAL: 30-1 ODDS

We are a little bit shocked at Montreal isn’t higher up on the bodog depth chart. Aren’t you decent? What the heck is going on out there? We can’t be bothered to look it up what is going on out there exactly but we can only conclude that you have been swindled somewhere along the line and bought something you thought was sick and turned out to be crap.

Suckers.

OTTAWA: 40-1 ODDS

 

Ah Ottawa. Just like the Mighty Oil, you too had the divine wisdom once upon a time to finish in the bottom rung for a long time and stockpiled talent up to the rafters. Then you frittered it away, bet on the wrong horses and now Alfie is going to retire at some point soon and you will be left with fond rememberances of how you once had the world by the tail.

You once were hot and now you definitely are not. And you have absolutely no idea. Classic Ottawa.

BACK TO EDMONTON BEING AWESOME

This is how we are rolling this season. Hard as hell, rockin a jewel encrusted solid gold shirt and surely the envy of all the world.

Let’s get the show started so it can be proven beyond a doubt. 

  • seve927

    I have a favorite quote, and its one that has a fair bit of application to the basis of this article.

    The quote is from Henry Ford: “You can’t build a reputation on what you are going to do.”

    I would agree that the talent that has been assembled in Edmonton is admirable, if not down right enviable. But it hasn’t done anything yet. It hasn’t made the playoffs, it hasn’t won a round and it hasn’t come close to winning a Stanley Cup.

    As an old school Battle of Alberta fan, I recall that the 80s saw the two best NHL teams hail from Alberta. Each was built in very different manners. Glen Sather had a plethora of drafted talent (i.e. Paul Coffey, Jarri Kurri) that complimented a superstar that they did not draft. Cliff Fletcher had miserable draft picks, but he wheeled and dealed (i.e. Joey Mullen, Doug Gilmour), he signed undrafted NCAA talent (i.e. Joel Otto), and the Flames iced a team that held its own against the high flying Oilers.

    Does this situation not mirror what we see today?

    The challenge for both franchises is to realize on their potential. I look forward to a renewed Battle of Alberta, one that in a couple of years will rival those tangles of the 80s.

  • G Money

    *Best* *article* *evar*.

    I have been to Pimpri. If I ever get there again, I’m gettin’ me a solid gold toque made (with Oilers logo embedded in sapphire and opal). They don’t call me G Money for nothing.

  • Hey Wanye. The comments sections on the other sites would EXPLODE if you let us cross-post without having to sign up for each site. I mean, what Oilers fan is going to sign up at a Canucks or Flames site, right? But if we could sneak over there and chirp away (using our soon to be added ~no doubt~ universal access, I bet you’d see ALL OUT WAR!