2014 GOAT SELECTION

With every single second the 2014-15 NHL season draws closer. For NHL players this means coming to camp in shape, ready for another season of heart pounding exercise. For fans of NHL teams this means coming to camp in no shape whatsoever ready for another season of heart damaging couch potatoing.

It also means it’s time to pick our Goats and Stars for the year.

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WHAT IS A GOAT?

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Like literally what is a goat? Please. For the uninitiated please familiarize yourself by watching the cutest goat video montage that the internets have to offer at the start of this “article.” A goat in the context of OilersNation is the player you nominate who will be the fall guy for all of the trials and tribulations of the 2014-15 Oilers.

As 2009 Wanye put it so succinctly:

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Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of crap.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

We nominate Goats on OilersNation so that we can vent all of our frustrations on a single player rather than blaming the “team” the “organization” or “the fact the Hockey Gods hate us.” Focusing blame allows you to be more positive overall. 

It isn’t the PK going 0 for 9 last night that cost the Oilers the game. It was your damned Goat. He was sitting there all “whatever” on the bench, buffing his nails, thinking about the lifestyle that winning the 50-50 would bring. He wasn’t into the game at all. Damn him to hell on the 2:30 Express Train!*

2014 GOAT

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It used to be so much easier when Grebeshkov was an Oiler. In those years these things wrote themselves. I would nominate Grebs, we would all laugh and then I’d go look for the picture Towel Boy made in 1927 of Grebs with a goat head and post it on the internets. 

But now things are way different. Grebeshkov isn’t even an option anymore, although that didn’t stop MacT from bringing him back for a cup of goat coffee last season did it? Ha ha ha no, sadly he thought ol Grebs had more in the tank than he did. Isn’t the slow physical and mental decline of professional athletes funny?** 

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Luckily there is no such shelf life for hockey blogging types, taking pot shots from the cheap seats.

ITS ALL YOUR FAULT JEFF PETRY

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Jeff Francis Petry. You have been a thorn in my side since you laced em up in the Copper and Blue. You are so soft. And don’t think I didn’t notice you trying to grow out your hair in your best Tom Gilbert impersonation last year. That was so annoying.

Man, even your career stats are grating. Did you really attend something called “St. Mary’s Preparatory High School?” Ugh. That sounds like a private school for rich elites named “Chet” and “Chase” who talk at length about the proper knot used for tying one’s yacht to the deck at the Summer Harvest Ball.

Sorry “Jeff”, but this is Edmonton. We pride ourselves on hard work up here. And grit. And attending schools that don’t close – even if it is -40 degrees. We wear hard hats up here. All day every day. Even when we are asleep lest some hard work be brought our way during the night and we have to jump into action.

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Why can’t you be better Jeff? Lord knows Kay-Z pays you enough money to dominate. 3.075 million dollars for Jeff Petry ladies and gentlemen. What does an actual good defenceman make these days? It boggles the mind! It’s like they just took the Grebeshkov contract out of the “waste of money contract folder” that is somewhere at Oilers Head Office, dusted it off and just did a quick find and replace on this one.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. 3 million for Petry. It is all your fault Sir. Even when it isn’t.

Then it totally is.

Who are you blaming?

*No such train exists.

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**It most certainly is not.


  • Prongers Promises

    Poti? you mean that guy with the 9′ aluminum twig and 16″ forehead? BOO! WHO WAS THAT? OH Dean the queen Mcammond yet again! BOO!! BOOO ULANOV!! What are you 95? get off the ice!! BOO Ugh that Cory Cross is so tall and lanky! BOO! oh wait.. BOO BERGERON!!! Oh man hes terrible! oh hes gone? umm Trade that Lupul guy HES A BUM!!! Horcoff!!! errr BOO GILBERT!! no? uhh Boo Petry!

  • Bishai in the Benches

    I think Petry could earn his lofty salary if he just tapped more teammates in the shin pads with his stick. That’s what a leader does. None of this “driving possession better than the majority of the other oilers D men” nonsense. He’s not even a good Canadian boy!!! That basically makes him goat material just because of that. He needs to yell more “hustle hard”‘s and “let’s get er back”‘s, maybe even a couple “WHEELS WHEELS” from the bench. That’s what a true star does. Goats like petry just play solid two-way defense, skate well, and make good outlet passes. This season the only way petry will avoid his goat moniker will be if he decides that #GRIT and taking roughing penalties after the whistle is vastly more important than winning the Corsi battle and ensuring the puck is in the opposition’s end.

    I want to see 18 shin pad stick taps and at least 7 uses of affectionate nicknames like Hallsy/Fayner/Auliesy/Nugenter-Hopkinsy per game. That’s what turns a goat into a star.

    • Sevenseven

      He’s actually a really good candidate in the early going. Living up to that contract will be tough, but if he has troubles early and cant play at even an average level, he’s gonna wear horns for sure. Great leader and citizen that he’s turned out to be Ferknuckle could find himself in the conversation if the rest of the D starts to pass him by.

  • A-Mc

    It’s a close one between Petry and Yakupov, but the primary goating will be had by Mr Jefferson Petry i reckon.

    MR PETRY! I CHALLENGE THEE TO UNGOAT THYSELF!

  • Truth

    1/1 with my Dubnyk selection last season. Let’s go 2/2 with Nikitin. He will be thrown out there as a top 4 defenseman when he couldn’t stay in the lineup in Columbus last season. I suppose this would also be a vote for the coaching and management as a goat as well to put him in a position to fail.

  • beloch

    I’m going to go with MacT’s obvious choice for goat: Nikita Nikitin. Why do I say this is MacT’s choice? He took a guy who struggled on the BJ’s third pair last season and is now paying him more than any other blueliner on the team. MacT has practically staked Nikky out for the T-Rex.

  • The Soup Fascist

    I think Ted Purcell will sprout horns and poop pellets.

    Why??:

    1) He threw like 12 hits last year – 12! – all season!

    2) He is 6’3″ and 200 lbs. See above.

    3) He played for a USHL team whose nickname was the RoughRiders (this one is for Lowetide)

    4) He is a Newfie …

    …wait, I thought he was an American. I can’t “goatify” a Newfie.

    O.K. my backup goat is the new DJ at the Oilers games. Unlike Gregor, I didn’t notice a big uptick in the music quality and at least once per period last night he started playing the next song while play was going. Rookie, rookie move. He is on a short leash in my opinion.

  • Tikkanese

    I am going to go with one Kevin Westgarth as my goat. Petry is too easy of a choice.

    Not because he is even going to make the Oilers, because he won’t.

    Not because he is an enforcer, I actually like enforcers as they are too often the only source of entertainment on many a night with the Oilers recently.

    I am going with him because he was most recently a member of the Calgary Flames and that sir, is not cool.

  • vetinari

    Schultz. How dare he try and insert himself into any conversation about who is untouchable on our roster:

    MacTavish: “Well, I guess if you ask who I think are our foundation stones, I would have to say, Hall, Nuge and Eb’s…”

    (Voice out of nowhere): “And Schultz. Don’t forget Schultz, chief!”

    MacTavish” “I guess Schultz, too.”

    (Voice again): “And remind people that he could be a Norris candidate in a year or two.”

    MacTavish: “And he could have Norris potential in the next few years. Wait. Who said that?”

    (Schultz runs away, clutching his new contract, giggling. Unfortunately, this happens while the game is in progress and Vancouver breaks out 3 on none on us since Schultz was off ice, out of position).

    Schultz. Dang Schultz… trying to be Gretzky by putting a “z” in his name…

  • lostdog82

    This is a tough choice with Gagner being gone. I have to go with the pint sized prince Arcobello. No room for little people in the big western conference.

    • WHOA how the mighty have fallen. I considered him too but I have this sinking feeling the Oil will throw the vault at him this summer and I’ll have 11 years to mock him into Goaterdom.

  • Sevenseven

    Joensuu, he will be injured in game 4 and when he returns he will be sent to OKC where he will reclaim his World Championship dominance, and the flashing finn will dazzle with 200 foot rushes up the ice.

    He will get recalled and will impress us in the warm-ups, but in his first end to end rush he will stripped of the puck and leave Scrivens out on a 2 on 0. Where the Scrivenator will stop the ensuing 5 bell, but pull his groin. As he skates to bench he will bang his stick into the boards in disgust, and stick will riccochete and hit himself in the head and will suffer a season ending concussion.

  • My Goat is Purcell, because of these reasons…

    1. His name is akin to a woman’s handbag.

    2. He WANTS to be called Teddy, as in Teddy Bear.

    3. Teddy Bears are soft and cuddly and not rough and manly, which is what this team REALLY needs.

    4. He went to college in Maine, played for a team called the Black Bears. So Teddy played for the Black Bears. Ridiculous.

    Clearly he’s not a serious Canadain boy concerned with winning, he’s a slack jawed joker that wants to only make a big joke out of things.

    He’s a Goat.

    BLEEEEEET!

  • Eakins will be my goat. He will constantly look at the tools in his box and use them all as hammers. Then complain when they can’t pound nails worth a crap with comments like, “I thought every tool knew how to execute basic hammering, I guess I was wrong.” Thus he will further destroy value like blue chippers Schultz and Yak have.

  • vetinari

    How has no one mentioned the Octane? Seriously, they need to step it up a notch. It was nice that last year they went out on the ice for an intermission, but everyone’s gone and having beers. They either need to get better or sluttier, or both.

    Hall missed on a breakaway? It’s because the Octane were standing in the aisle waiting to do a dance at the next break and I was looking at them and not the play, and when my concentration is focused on the play I can will anything to happen…

    Schultz caught out of position? It’s because the Octane were standing too close and he was staring up their skirts and didn’t see that guy coming.

    Music guy plays the same song 3 times in a night? It’s cause it’s the only song the Octane girls know how to groove to.

    I know most of us hockey nerds haven’t ever dated anything over a 6/10, and the Octane average is 8/10, making them the greatest heroes of the last 4 years of hockey, so my pick for goat isn’t great…but hey, it’s worth nominating!