With every single second the 2014-15 NHL season draws closer. For NHL players this means coming to camp in shape, ready for another season of heart pounding exercise. For fans of NHL teams this means coming to camp in no shape whatsoever ready for another season of heart damaging couch potatoing.

It also means it’s time to pick our Goats and Stars for the year.

WHAT IS A GOAT?

Like literally what is a goat? Please. For the uninitiated please familiarize yourself by watching the cutest goat video montage that the internets have to offer at the start of this “article.” A goat in the context of OilersNation is the player you nominate who will be the fall guy for all of the trials and tribulations of the 2014-15 Oilers.

As 2009 Wanye put it so succinctly:

Ales Hemsky whiffs one? Damn the Goat for passing him the puck in such an off tempo manner. Oh it wasn’t the Goat that passed him the puck? Damn his poor positional play causing a hurried pass. Goat boy wasn’t on the ice for the whiff? Curse his bench sitting technique all to hell!

Now should your Goat actually cause some sort of unfortunate incident on the ice? Now you’re talking! Friends witnessing the gaffe will often look to you and say “good call going with ___ as your Goat this season. That guy is twelve shades of crap.” You can then sit back, smug in your predictory skills, almost taking pleasure at the brutalness of Senor Goato.

We nominate Goats on OilersNation so that we can vent all of our frustrations on a single player rather than blaming the “team” the “organization” or “the fact the Hockey Gods hate us.” Focusing blame allows you to be more positive overall. 

It isn’t the PK going 0 for 9 last night that cost the Oilers the game. It was your damned Goat. He was sitting there all “whatever” on the bench, buffing his nails, thinking about the lifestyle that winning the 50-50 would bring. He wasn’t into the game at all. Damn him to hell on the 2:30 Express Train!*

2014 GOAT

It used to be so much easier when Grebeshkov was an Oiler. In those years these things wrote themselves. I would nominate Grebs, we would all laugh and then I’d go look for the picture Towel Boy made in 1927 of Grebs with a goat head and post it on the internets. 

But now things are way different. Grebeshkov isn’t even an option anymore, although that didn’t stop MacT from bringing him back for a cup of goat coffee last season did it? Ha ha ha no, sadly he thought ol Grebs had more in the tank than he did. Isn’t the slow physical and mental decline of professional athletes funny?** 

Luckily there is no such shelf life for hockey blogging types, taking pot shots from the cheap seats.

ITS ALL YOUR FAULT JEFF PETRY

Jeff Francis Petry. You have been a thorn in my side since you laced em up in the Copper and Blue. You are so soft. And don’t think I didn’t notice you trying to grow out your hair in your best Tom Gilbert impersonation last year. That was so annoying.

Man, even your career stats are grating. Did you really attend something called “St. Mary’s Preparatory High School?” Ugh. That sounds like a private school for rich elites named “Chet” and “Chase” who talk at length about the proper knot used for tying one’s yacht to the deck at the Summer Harvest Ball.

Sorry “Jeff”, but this is Edmonton. We pride ourselves on hard work up here. And grit. And attending schools that don’t close – even if it is -40 degrees. We wear hard hats up here. All day every day. Even when we are asleep lest some hard work be brought our way during the night and we have to jump into action.

Why can’t you be better Jeff? Lord knows Kay-Z pays you enough money to dominate. 3.075 million dollars for Jeff Petry ladies and gentlemen. What does an actual good defenceman make these days? It boggles the mind! It’s like they just took the Grebeshkov contract out of the “waste of money contract folder” that is somewhere at Oilers Head Office, dusted it off and just did a quick find and replace on this one.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. 3 million for Petry. It is all your fault Sir. Even when it isn’t.

Then it totally is.

Who are you blaming?

*No such train exists.

**It most certainly is not.