First Star, Worst Star – November 14, 2014


Welcome, welcome one and all, to the inaugural post in the NEW First Star, Worst Star feature! For those of you that are new around here, or have just forgotten a lot of things due to Oilers-related-alcohol-abuse (ORAB) this is a feature we did a lot of years back where we highlight the best and the worst thing in the NHL this week! You can check out the OG posts here! 

Without further ado, here we go!

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First star this week goes to Seth Griffith of the Boston Bruins. So you’re a 21 year old rookie, who has managed to crack the NHL roster of one of the best teams in the league. How do you go about making a lasting impression on your coach and GM? SIMPLE! All you need to do is block a shot, go coast to coast, beat two defensmen at the same time, and then score a goal through your legs with your back to the net! EASY AS PIE!

This goal is simply amazing, but what’s MORE amazing to me is the fact that Cory Schneider didn’t just die of embarrassment on the spot. I mean, my god man, how do you let that beat you? One of your defensemen is completely hanging off him, AND HE HAS HIS BACK TO YOU! HE CAN’T EVEN SEE THE NET! Remember how a few years ago everyone in Vancouver was all “VANCOUVER IS TOTALLY NOT A GOALIE GRAVEYARD ANYMORE YOU GUYS! THE CURSE IS BROKEN!” Yeah, about that….. 

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The Anaheim Ducks, and more specifically Corey Perry and Francois Beauchemin. *Chris Rock Voice* The mumps? THE MUMPS? MAN HOW YOU GET THE MUMPS IN 2014? Where you from, Liberia? 

The mumps vaccine was introduced in 1967, and since 2001 there’s only been around 250 cases of it per year in the U.S. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE GUYS?? Was everyone on the Anaheim team plane playing the suck and blow game with a bag of used syringes? You’ve got better odds at winning the lottery than you do in getting the mumps, AND YOU WILL LITERALLY NEVER WIN THE LOTTERY! They may as well have come out and said they contracted the bubonic plague, because at least bubonic sounds hilarious and dirty (Boob-onic!!) I feel like this is somehow Jenny McCarthey’s fault

And here’s a fun fact about the mumps, courtesy of Wikipedia

“Males past puberty who develop mumps have a 15–20 percent risk of orchitis, painful inflammation of the testicles.” 

Looks like their salivary glands aren’t the ONLY thing that are swelling HHHEEEEYYYYY-OOOOOOOO!!  

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Anyway, good job setting society back 50 years fellas. You’re walking around with swollen faces and swollen balls, like me after spending a night sleeping in Baggedmilk’s basement. You’re truly a disappointment to us all. 

Got a suggestion for a first star or a worst star? Hit me up at [email protected]!  

    • Baresnake

      Well when your main source of content is garbage, not too much you can do. I mean, how many times can these guys write an article about shoddy goal tending, needing a 2nd line C, needing a top pair D, or what the hell Dallas and management is thinking?

      Personally I would love to see Willis restart his play break downs. Those articles were so meaty and did a great job at explaining why the oilers suck.

      • Because clearly we still don’t know why they suck and need more educational content to strip the ignorance from our souls.

        Look. There’s only so many ways to say that goal tending, 2 line C, top line D and Dallas Eakins brain are all that’s stopping us from Oilers Domination.

        Although I have to agree that Willis’ stop-frame analysis was good stuff. MC79Hockey did the same thing too before the Oilers bought his silence.

        • Baresnake

          I’m confused, are we fighting or agreeing that because the Oilers are repeating the same mistakes, the ON contributors are running out of ways to write about it?

          Either way, we’re saying the same thing.

          Maybe they can start a new section called What is Dallas Thinking? In it they examine the questionable decisions Eakins is making, and then they try to argue in favour of his decision in order to try and understand just what the hell Dallas is thinking.

          This week’s installment could be Jultz’s excessive ice time.

  • Prongers Promises

    If Disney still owned the team they could release a new Mighty Ducks Movie.

    The Mighty Ducks D4: Down in the Mumps.

    The first scene shows us the back of an aged Gordon Bombay (played again by the fearlss Emilio Estevez) sharpening skates in Hans old shop. The camera pans over to the wall and focusing in on the ol newspaper clipping “Minnesota Miracle Man”

    This touches the heart of everyone in the audience. Gordon decides hes had enough and turns the machine off abruptly while tossing his skate towel to the floor. “Time to round up my Ducks” he mutters. We notice he is using a cane as he hobbles to the door, my best guess is he never quite healed from the chop delivered by Wolf the dentist Stanson. *SCREW YOU ICELAND* As we get to see his face for the first time in D4 it is shockingly swollen/inflamed. Mumps.

    Next scene starts off with Fulton Reed and Dean Portman climbing up the stairs to a water slide. Pushing little children out of the way and singing “Don’t you know that everythings on FIRE.” *Keep in mind they are pushing 40 years old here* Once at the top Dean gives the slide guard a wet willy and tells him to tell his my Portman says Hi. Portman swings down the slide and plunges into the water below. He emerges having lost his trunks yet doesn’t notice. Lifting himself from the pool the camera pans to his extremely lumpy rear end. Mumps…

  • Just closing the time loop by posting 5 years later in the same article series. I will now go back to 2009 with the wisdom gained by reading ahead 5 years of Oilers Nation articles and comments. The world will certainly be at my command!

    *Goes back to 2009 in time machine*

  • Wax Man Riley

    Seth Griffiths? Ppffffft! A 21 year old rookie?? Who ever heard of that?!? The guy is practically over the hill as Oilers standards go. Most of our draftees have4 or 5 NHL seasons under their belt by that time.

  • Baresnake

    Do most teams play the Suck and Blow game on the plane, or is it just an Anaheim thing? I’d like to think that Nuge and Hall play sometimes. That’ll be my new “Happy Place.”

  • RedMan

    I have to say, I never expected to enjoy this season as much as I am. So many pleasant, wonderful surprises!

    Thanks for the great season so far Burke and team!