HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONNOR MCDAVID

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So it’s Connor McDavid’s birthday, is it? 19 long years are now in the can and an unlimited future lays ahead. Well as I cleverly ditched Jordan Eberle as my perennial star and made the risk-free play of getting on the Connor McDavid train on day one, it is my duty to write him a birthday letter.

No, it won’t be like the birthday letter messes I wrote Jordan Eberle in years past, here, and here. It’s not like the mean one I wrote Taylor Hall here. That’s not me anymore*

Psh I’m totally down with the kids today. Never mind that I am eight years older than I was when this site started, I have managed to avoid every single milestone in life that will cause maturity. I still know how to talk to the next generation. Or as I call it – my generation. Yeah, I know all the hot jams, the new dances, the inside scoops on the groovy nightclubs.

This will be a snap, or as young guys like Connor and me say, “a jiggy.”

ONE TEENAGER TO THE OTHER

19 years old. I remember being 19 years old. It was only a couple short years** ago. What’s a hot track to read an article to on your birthday? Trap Queen right? I totally got this track on repeat in my Walkman “holmes.”  Let’s get started shall we?

WOO! WOO! 19 YEARS OLD! LEGAL IN ONTARIO! TWO MORE YEARS WE ARE LEGAL IN THE STATES, AMIRITE CONNOR?

Ahem. Enjoy yourself today, buddy. You have an Entry Level Contract bonus at your disposal. Them Adidas cheques are clearing every two weeks. I say let the good times roll. Hit the local discotheque dance floor and show the women of YEG what years of squat thrust training translates into dance wise.

IT AIN’T EASY BEIN YOUNG + FLY LIKE US

Adults totally don’t get us, bro. Old guys like the Nuge and Hall – what do they really know anyway? They are from another era. They don’t understand or use Telegram or Periscope like us. They don’t dig peanut butter baby like we do. They don’t know how to whip nor do they “nae nae.” They don’t know what it’s like to be 19, be a first pick overall, have millions of dollars and trillions of womens hanging on our every word.

We are going to have to make our own lane, do things our own way. I am so “hyped” to see the year ahead of you, as are millions of Oilers fans around the world. I am still not convinced that the average Oilers fan understands what you plying your trade in Edmonton means to the team.

When people are griping about the problems currently facing the squad, I like to “zone out” and imagine what it will look like when you are “smashing” team after team as we rocket towards the playoffs hand in hand. As they cry about the power play shooting blanks, I imagine you roofing a shot so hard the crossbar bends and the people of Edmonton raining their underwear down on the ice in jubilant glee.

I look at this version of a McDavid-free team currently on the ice and know that this would be the mess we would be having to cheer for had we not won the draft. But we did win the draft, didn’t we? I ain’t worried about nothin’ anymore, Connor.

It was such bad luck for your clavicle to snap under the weight of the expectations of the City. But thank the gods that it wasn’t an injury that would linger later in life. You will come back fine and your 19th year will be action packed. I for one can’t wait to watch the whole thing go down.

SORRY FOR THE WHOLE MCJESUS THING

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While I am on the whole ‘year in review’ thing, I would like to apologize for the whole McJesus meme. See what happened was, back in like February last year I was talking with the boys here at HQ and they were trying to “hype” me up on who we would be likely getting in the draft. I was so sick of hearing about yet another top draft pick that could save the day that I slammed my fists on the table and yelled out “I DONT CARE ABOUT ANY OF THESE CLOWNS — IT’S EITHER MCJESUS OR NOBODY!”

Well the boys looked at me with wide eyes and ol’ baggedmilk said, “Uh, that’s offensive,” and then moved the conversation to safer ground. But I was wound up and kept hammering away on it, never believing in a million years we would win the lottery again and you would be an Oiler. And now you are all embarrassed about it and your parents said in an interview that Edmonton seems cool but the whole McJesus thing isn’t.

Apologies, my man. These things don’t stick. Don’t even worry about it.***

REMEMBER THIS

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Connor McDavid is going to be coming back rested for the first time in his life. Since he was like six or so the guy has been playing hockey year round. Power skating, summer teams, elite Navy Seal training. It hasn’t stopped for the past 13 trips around the Sun. That’s gotta wear on a guy after awhile.

Now he has a lot of the pressure off his shoulders. He has lived up to his minor hockey hype – he was indeed drafted first overall as people have been predicting for years. He established he will be an All Star during his all-too-short 13 first games in the league. The question of ‘can he keep it up in the greatest league in the world?’ has been answered.

Now there is nothing left to do but come back rested and healed and put his size 11 skate squarely in the ass of the other 29 teams in the league.

I salute you on your 19th birthday, Connor, and look forward to the next 16 or so years.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONNOR MCDAVID

*That’s totally me

**Decades

***Oh yes they do