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After trade deadline came and went I
found myself with a lot of time on my hands. No massive trades to wrap my brain
around, no giant clean up of my Eberle mechandise collection to box up for all
eternity. No arranging for a fire sale of YakCity
NationGear (side note: Yak City gear on sale here! Make an investment in lasting MemeWear that will
remain relevant for at least 20 more games).

Like any Oilers fan, I started
googling images of GM Peter Chiarelli with my free time instead. For a long time I’ve wondered: what’s
up with this guy? He is a chameleon or something – he looks like 100 different people. Every picture I see, he looks like someone different sporting look changes so drastic he is unrecognizable.

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There are a couple of possibilities here, as I see it.
Either Chiarelli has a series of clones acting as body doubles, or “Peter Chiarelli” is
some sort of multiple person collective running the Oilers by committee. Either
way, we are getting to the bottom of this.

Behold the Chiarelli clones currently employed by your Edmonton Oilers Hockey Club.


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“I have been on these mean streets for over 20 years. I may not be the nicest guy in the squad but dammit, the job gets done. I am going to fix the Oilers by any means necessary and they will respect the badge even if we lose a lot of good men in the process.”

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Meet Bad Cop Chiarelli – beat cop from the
inner city. He t
akes no guff from anyone on either side of the law, especially that stuffed shirt Inspector
Minetti who always gets in the way of his investigations. This guy knows right from wrong, sports a super cool cop moustache and has a penchant for cold black coffee in white styrofoam cups on long nights staking out Oilers games.

Outlook: Duty bound and quick tempered, I like Bad Cop Chiarelli. He doesn’t care if he has to bust heads to win games. He will ultimately take the law into his own hands and get the job done. But he will get riddled with bullets in
his last day on the job, just a week from retirement. Grade: C


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“Using multi point regression analysis I have concluded that the Edmonton Oilers cannot be statistically any worse than they are. There is a highly likely chance that my involvement with the team will lead to an increased win percentage which will correlate to my increased savings for retirement.”

This Chiarelli is an intellectual. He wouldn’t leave you handcuffed to a bench overnight to punish you for an overtime loss like Bad Cop Chiarelli would do at the drop of a hat. He doesn’t believe in “guys who are good in the room” any more than he believes in the Flat Earth Society. He is a thinking man’s GM not prone to emotional outbursts or non data driven decisions. Jonathan Willis sends him quarterly reports so complex only the two of them can understand.

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Outlook: I don’t mind Professor Chiarelli running the team. It would be good to have some new brains around these parts – provided he is a man of science who will make calculated decisions to improve the winning. If he is a liberal arts Professor, all is lost. Grade: B


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“Long before I arrived at Harvard I
designed a 30 year plan to seize control of the Edmonton Oilers. I made
millions climbing the hockey ladder, investing in thousands of pairs of fashion
eyeglass frames until I decided to have myself fired from the Bruins to take make the next move. Now that I am in control of the Oilers, the final phase of my plan
begins. I believe you will find escape impossible, Mr. Bond.”

Man oh man – look at those glasses and that calculating stare. He
looks like Le Chiffre or something. This is a man 30
steps ahead of everyone, executing a plan so intricate that Intelligence Agencies around the world not only fail to keep up, but they can’t even figure out where he is at any given time.

Evil Genius Chiarelli would intentionally give
Klefbom a blood infection to tank the D and secure a higher draft pick. He
would record and then implant subliminal messages on Schultz’s iPod playlist breaking his
confidence before releasing him into the wild if it suited his plan. He could have sent a subconsciously hypnotized Tambellini as a fifth column agent to
tank the team so expectations were low upon his arrival, for all we know.

This Chiarelli will stop at nothing to
get what he wants and presumably has a wicked mansion/office space combo on an island somewhere with a critical flaw in its defences that he will realize all too late.

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Outlook: Frankly I trust Evil Genius
Chiarelli more than many of the other Chiarellis. Assuming his master plan has an end game of an Oilers Cup win, we could be in good
hands. If he wants to tank the team for another decade before doing an LBO of the
Oilers from Katz, and needed to take control of the on ice product to ensure the
franchise burns and the value decreases, we are screwed. Grade: A


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“I met Daryl Katz in a money
counter maintenance seminar at the International Meeting of Billionaires in
2014. He mentioned all the bother his Ice Hockey club was causing him so I
hopped on my plane and figured I’d help him sort things out. It’s only fair, old chap.”

This tycoon’s look is part successful gentlemen, part scoundrel. Fine tailored suits, collars that stand on their own, defying gravity in the process. He is an immaculately groomed winner with a cool salt and pepper beard and an early prototype iPhone10 jammed with the phone numbers of famous women he has bedded at will. That phone could also be used to call the other 29 GMs and swing some major deals if he isn’t too busy floating on his yacht stocked with models and champagne.

Outlook: Surprised at how
little “these Ice Hockey fellows take home at the end of the day”,
billionaire Playboy Chiarelli would be overly concerned with lobbying Canadian and US
governments to change the tax code, allowing players to register as Not for Profits, avoiding millions of annual taxes. On ice product would languish during his
tenure as Billionaire Chiarelli leaves for the south of France, outsourcing day to day managment of the team to
an eager contractor “K Lowe & Associates”, who work for
bargain basement pay but see little results. Grade: D

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“Look at me! I am father to a
beautiful trio of girls aged 4-9 and I am the proud owner of a Honda Odyssey.
Between trips to cheerleading practice I run an NHL team to pay the bills, but I don’t really go in for all of that sort of fancy stuff. I like warm crocs and a cool glass of iced tea, thank you very much.”

Who the hell is this? This guy isn’t
qualified to use the same highway rest stop bathroom on QEII as Billionaire
Chiarelli. He would stare over enviously at a red light as billionaire
Chiarelli speeds off in a matte black Lambo with a Victorias Secret model riding
shotgun. Suburban Dad Chiarelli meanwhile while putters off in the Oddyssey, killing time until his girls are done at piano

Outlook: Suburban Dad is a dangerous GM
of the Oilers. He is just happy to be out of the house and has an eye on 3:15 the
entire workday, ready to drop it all and pick up the girls. 
Suburban Dad Chiarelli won’t do a
blockbuster anything. If you see him heading into work stop this man
immediately and point him in the direction of a Tim Hortons. Grade: F


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I defy you to look at all the pictures of the Chiarellis above and tell me they are the same person. There is no way that one man can have that many permutations and combinations of his look. I’ll tell you one thing – from here on out I will look at what Chiarelli has shown up for work on a given day before I try and guess whats in his brain.

It’s anyone’s ball game this summer as the Chiarellis rebuild the team. Personally, I am cheering for Evil Genius Chiarelli no matter what he has in store. He will lead to the best Chiarelli clone of all: Stanley Cup Chiarelli.

  • Oilers4ever

    So…. On an off comment and this to our wonderful ON beat writers… Just saw in the Journal this morning that Rexall Drugs is being sold for 3 billion to some US company who had bought stores and such back in 2012 from Katz as well. Is there going to be any impact to the team from this? That’s a huge source of constant revenue for him that will be gone. Just wondering… Last thing we need is another ownership issue. Thx.

  • Sheldon "Oilers Fan for Life!!!"

    Chia is indeed a man of many faces and I am glad to see that he is trying to create a team of many faces. In other words not all small, fast, high skill guys. I for one thought the game opened up a bit last night due to some big bodies. Cant wait to see how this looks in 10 games. Sure there is still a ton to do but hemming the Sabers in their own end sure felt good.

  • Sheldon "Oilers Fan for Life!!!"

    The one Face that I would like to see become a monotonous repetition is the one of him carrying a Stanley. May his name be on there 5 times in the next 10 years.


    The best Chiarelli isn’t on your list. It’s his last year in Boston with a goatee and solid black glasses. He looks like a mob boss and it kicks ass. When Oilers played Boston i always wished we had a cool G.M. like Chiarelli, as he looked like he could intimidate other G.M.’s into trades. Glad we now have him.

  • Connor McFly

    Based on recent acquisitions Chiarelli is adding size and grit guys who have hands and are wiiling to compete. Eberle’s refusal to backcheck or a complete inability to do same is likely to be his ticket out o’ town this off season.

    You can’t question his hands and offensive IQ but I just don’t see him as a Chiarelli- type player. When the GM has his microscope out everybody on the team knows it Ebs remains a defensive liability. That smacks of stupidity if Ebs wants to be here. That’s just my take.

    Eberle’s bad habits may be his un-doing on this Oiler team. You’d think he would want to stay sniping on McD’s line.

    • Sheldon "Oilers Fan for Life!!!"

      I watched the feed from Buffalo last night and the commentators were completely dogging Eberle’s quit on the goal. He has his player covered and stopped moving his feet just in time for the Buffalo player to slip ahead and score off that nice pass. 100% in the line of what you are describing here. I am not sure I would be ready to quit on him yet as I think those habits are changing under this coach. Your point was totally legit last night when Eb’s cost Talbot a shutout. He owes Talbot Lunch for sure.

  • Kevwan

    No matter what the look every time he talks I hear an intelligent, thoughtful hockey man.

    He said he wants a bigger, tougher team and he’s doing it. Not only that he’s finding these guys at value.

    Kassian, Cracknell, Pardy, and Maroon cost a combined 4th rounder and a backup AHL goalie.

    Making some decent moves lately.

  • Lucius Vorenus

    Chiarelli is a devout follower of the Many-Faced God. As such, he considered one of the Faceless Men of Braavos. His true face will never be revealed.

  • #1 overall waivers pick

    I have no doubt now, that constable bad cop Chiarelli will arrest YakCity and deport him to another NHL city.

    According to multiple sources close to the Oilers, if the Oil trade Yak, the 22 year old would welcome a move.

    Yak City gear on sale now!

  • Smuckers

    If he stuck that 3B in the bank, assuming the current prime rate of 2.70%, his income would be $6,750,000 per month. But I’m sure he’s gonna invest it in something that produces a better return.

  • Seanaconda

    Drai made team Europe mcdavid made team north America. I think Hopkins will make the second cut for team north America but with him being injured why put him on the first cut. Also chia is the gm so my bet is on Hopkins making the team

    • What the

      I think Hopkins and Hall not making Team Canada’s first cut is a message from their GM that their games needs to improve in areas that have already been identified and addressed by the Oilers Coach.

      Message sent.


    • Seanaconda

      Are you talking about team north America? He’s not eligible I don’t think team Canada has been released yet edit. dang he didn’t make the first cut but he could still make the second

  • Mike Krushelnyski

    I’m just happy for Connor, getting to fulfill his boyhood dream of pulling on the hallowed Black and Neon Orange of Team North America YoungGunz

        • Explicit

          You gotta be a blind faith follower or else your either a flames fan or a troll.

          But you’re right, cue the whining from oiler fans/media that hall wasn’t announced. I’d be surprised if he makes the final team aswell. Team canada wants proven winners. Somthing hall isn’t

          • Explicit

            Agree to disagree?? Cuz I think every single one of them is a proven winner.

            But, I would like to take my ‘proven winner’ comment back. Cuz although Hall has spent his entire career on a pathetic bottom feeding team, I still think of him as a winner. So I would like to retract ‘proven winner’ and replace it with ‘multi dimensional’ or maybe even team first…

            Hall’s a missile, and I love him for it. Just not sure team canada needs a missile with the amount of offence they already have. I think they’ll elect to go with diffrent skill sets to round out the team.

            Any other country, Hall makes it. He’s kinda like the forward version of Subban

          • Explicit

            Just to be clear, I’m not raggin on Hall. The guys a missile. But I think team canada is focused on building a winning team. They have plenty of high powered offence and I think they’ll select guys that can bring more ‘flexibility’ in their game.

            I like hall, but he’s fairly 1 dimensional. I’d like to see him make the team, but I’m not holding out hope.

          • Seriously Bored

            How do you figure that? We had a cup run and got mcdavid. Team stinks but still had some pretty exciting moments until the death march the last couple of seasons. That being said I don’t spend a lot of money on tickets or merchandise so I guess my lower tier fan opinion isn’t too valuable

            I must admit the flames did have a pretty exciting year last year but oh my the flop this year must hurt oh so bad.

  • Oliveoiler

    I’m pretty sure all of the above describes PC. He is a chameleon. He would be great at poker as he plays his cards close to his chest – never lets on about what’s happening until it happens. He’s shrewd, could be a chess champion and could complete a tough jigsaw puzzle pretty quickly. I like him and I like the way he is reshaping our team..