I Want a Lottery Win and a Seat to Watch the World Burn

With the draft lottery, and impending lottery party, coming up on Saturday I got to thinking about how badly I want the Oilers to win again. I want them to win so bad that it’s starting to affect my life. I can’t stop thinking about it, but probably not for the reasons you’d expect. 

When Saturday rolls around, the Oilers will have an opportunity to pick first overall for the fifth time in the last seven years. That, my friends, is a dynasty of inadequacy (STILL A DYNASTY THOUGH, BRUH!). While fans of every other team make fun of the Oilers for being terrible, we’re just over here planning out where Matthews will fit in the lineup and when jerseys will be going on sale. For an outsider celebrating the failures of our favourite team may seem ridiculous, but it’s all we have and have had for the past 10 years. 

Would it be more fun if the Oilers could win games on the ice as opposed to lottery games while everyone else is in the playoffs? Of course we’d rather see an Oilers playoff run, but that’s not where we’re at and, frankly, we’re not even close. For now, what we have to cheer about is the fact that the Oilers have a chance to win another draft lottery, draft a blue chip prospect, and piss off the entire NHL in the process. Scoring a top prospect and pissing off the NHL and fans alike sounds like a pretty good time to me. 


As we already know, Auston Matthews is the top rated prospect in this year’s draft (though Laine has been making a late push). By all accounts, Matthews is ready to step into the NHL and the team that is lucky enough to snatch him up will land a beauty; a player who will more than likely turn into the kind of impact forward that can turn a franchise around. If you believe Bob McKenzie (I do), whoever drafts Matthews should expect a player that can produce at the NHL level. According to the man himself, “what Jack Eichel did this year, in the NHL, is a reasonable expectation of what Auston Matthews is going to do in 2016-17.” Ol’ Jack put up put up 56 points last year, and I certainly know a team *cough* Oilers *cough* that could use some more offense.

Last season, the Oilers finished in 26th place in terms off goals scored — only Carolina, Toronto, Vancouver, and New Jersey produced less. Needless to say, adding another offensive weapon into the lineup could benefit our team greatly. The Oilers have long had a reputation of a “young and skilled team” but they never seem to be able to score any goals. Sure, a big chunk of that has to do with our defenses inability to get the puck out of our own zone, but I digress. The point of the matter is that the Oilers need more goals, and Auston Matthews can provide that. We need this player, and I demand that we get him.


Auston Matthews aside (which is hilarious to type out), I want the Oilers to win the lottery simply for the joy of watching the hockey world burn. Having the Oilers win another lottery would send the Internet into a tailspin the likes of which have never been seen before. It’s an opportunity that may just be too good for the hockey gods to pass up. I want to open Hockey Twitter®, beer in hand, and see the type of Twitter meltdown that only an Oilers lottery win can provide. Teams like the Leafs did everything they possibly could to sewer their season and secure the best chance at drafting Matthews, but one thing Leafs fans seem to forget is that, in the eyes of hockey karma, being accidentally bad trumps being intentionally bad every single time. Don’t believe me? Just ask Buffalo. Imagine how angry Leafs fans would be. Imagine the outrage. *imagines*

The best part about this whole situation is that I won’t even be bummed out if the Oilers don’t pull out a lottery win. I mean, of course I want the Oilers to win, and have the rest of the league hate us even more, but I won’t be sad if it doesn’t happen. The Oilers won the best prize the lottery could possibly provide last year with Connor McDavid and I see winning this one as putting a hilarious cherry on top. And frankly, one of those giant Finns may actually be a better fit for what the team needs anyway. Even if the Oilers lose all three lotteries and drop down to fifth spot, we’re still in good shape. From where I blog, I would see sliding down to the 5th overall pick as adding another solid bullet in Chiarelli’s quest for a top pairing defenseman. 

At the end of the day, the Oilers are in a solid position to improve regardless of what happens on Saturday. Whether or not we can pull another horseshoe out of our ass is almost inconsequential. Regardless of what happens in the lottery, the Oilers will walk away knowing that they have a piece that is going to help the hockey team in one way or another. Whether we’re heading to Buffalo with another #1 pick in our pocket, the chance at a giant Finn for the wing, or a trade bullet for Chiarelli’s offseason pursuits, there aren’t many downsides to this year’s draft. The Oilers will get better as a result of whatever happens with those magical bingo balls, and that’s something to look forward to, especially if it means that the hockey world around us crumbles in hellfire. 

  • McRaj

    Baggedmilk, what time does the draft party start? Also do tickets have to be purchased in advance? I will be coming to Edmonton on the weekend and would love to come join the celebrations and spend the evening talking about McDav…err I mean the Oilers

  • sportsjunkie007

    Of course I want the Oilers to win the draft lotto. More importantly, I want to see the Leafs lose it. I want them to fall to fourth overall. Then see the player they draft refuse to report, or turn into a massive disappointment. I’m SO sick of idiot Leafs fans and idiot pro-Leafs media. That hatred plus bad karma for intentional tanking…

  • Kevin Wall

    I’ll be the guy already passed out in the corner by 4:00, wearing a Borat swimsuit and only lifting my disheveled head off the table periodically to scream/slur: “F**k’n Oilers YEEEEAAHH!”, before promptly passing out again. Looking forward to meeting y’all. (Please don’t draw penises on my face with a Sharpie).

  • Word to the Bird

    As funny as it would be to troll the hockey world (mostly Toronto) by winning, I don’t think I can handle the shame of another first overall pick

  • CBK

    Agree with you Baggedmilk.

    I hope we win one of the lotteries but at the end of the day:

    We have Connor Freakin’ McDavid.

    And personally, I’m doing just fine with 97 wearing Oilers silks for a long and prosperous career.

  • 99CupsofCoffey

    Sorry if I missed it, but what game/intermission are they announcing the results?

    EDIT: Just found this: The 2016 NHL Draft Lottery, which will determine the order of selection for the first 14 picks in the first round of the 2016 NHL Draft, will be held on Saturday, April 30, at Sportsnet’s Hockey Central Studio at the Canadian Broadcasting Centre in Toronto. The results of the Draft Lottery will be announced during live television coverage of the event (8:00 p.m. ET, NBC, CBC, TVAS).

  • Hemmercules

    I dont really care what pick they get, it will be a good one regardless. That will be pretty funny to listen to Toronto fans and their media if the Oil win again though.

    What I really want to see, or not see, is Mact and Howsen at the table or on that stage on draft day.

  • Lofty

    Much like the Nurse draft, if the Oilers fall out of the top 3 they have more freedom to trade the pick or to take a Dman.

    If the Oilers draft in the top 3 it 100% guarantees one of Nuge or Eberle are gone.

  • Big Cap

    All though I completely respect all my fellow Oiler Nation posters, I’m gonna have to disagree and debate with the posters that you only hope that Toronto doesn’t win the lottery.

    Now living in Vancouver, MY only hope and prayer is that the Canucks don’t win the draft lottery. And in fact, I hope they drop out of the top 3.

    I ask for your forgiveness and hope you will not chastise and hate me all to much for showing my sincere disgust for the Vancouver Canucks!!


      • I was living in Victoria the year they played LA in the first round and got knocked out. The smugness coming from all the bandwagon fans around was unbearable. I could tell they were bandwagoners, because they had no idea who played on the team or who the “Kings” were. But the thought that the Canucks wouldn’t win never entered their minds.

        Overheard on bus to the bar to watch the game:

        *18 year old girl and her friends decked out in Canucks jerseys*

        “Sooo like when the Canucks beat the LA team, what happens? Do they win? ”

        “No there’s more rounds”

        “So when the Canucks win, who do they play next?”

        Right now if you walked around Vancouver there is probably almost no evidence of any fandom around. Because every Canucks fan is a bandwagon fan. They all only care if they’re winning. I enjoyed every painful loss they experienced while I was out there cheering for LA!

  • I want the win, but only if they trade the pick for help on D. No way will I be able to enjoy another year of hoping this one young kid can turn the team’s fortunes around. No, Chi would have to use it for a D trade, even if they don’t get full value.

  • Druds

    BOOOO baggedmilk………..I mean yeahhhh!! or yeah we lose or is it we win? I do not know anymore with this team…losing is winning?

    I guess we just sit back and give the rest of the 29 teams the old Sather smirk and laugh our asses off as we get no 1 again….yippeeee!

  • Oil City Roller

    You would think as Oilers fans we would have learned something about humility over the past decade. Last draft, after years of shameful results, the Oilers got McDavid. Instead of being even remotely classy we rubbed out undeserved riches in everyone’s face. Then we received a heaping of karmic justice and finished even lower this year than we did last year, but did we learn anything. No sir! We are praying to the hockey gods again to get us some more of that sweet NHL welfare so we can rub it in everyone’s face again. Pathetic.

  • madjam

    Laine is now preferred by over 20% of the scouts , and could be taken first overall . I think the top 3 are a tossup and hope we get at least one of top 3 . Either way we are winners with choice 1-3 . My choice is Laine 1 , Mathews 2 and Puljujarvi 3 .

    • Aitch

      It’s possible that one of those teams are the Oilers. If Laine and Matthews are truly comparable, then a team like the Oilers with McDavid, Draisatl and theNuge already at C, might be inclined to take the big winger first.

      Plus, we need a High-scoring Finn for our re-boot. 😉

  • Dawn

    I don’t know any Canucks fans so it’s possible they are really as bad as people say. Still, I feel pretty bad for them. Got close enough to taste it once, then the sad steady coast downhill. Not even memories of golden years to drift back to when gazing into a pint of painkiller.