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Why You Should Hate the Anaheim Ducks

I don’t think I need to give you any more reasons to hate the Anaheim Ducks, but we did it in round one and we’re doing it again for round two. We’ve got less than 12 hours to throw gas on this rivalry and I wanted to come up with another list of ammunition that you can use heading into this series. 

Since hating the Sharks worked in the last round it only made sense to figure out another list of reasons why the dirty Ducks deserve disgrace (#Alliteration). Fortunately, the Ducks are easily hateable and it didn’t take much effort to come up with a list of reasons why this series is going to be hot fire. If we work together, my list combined with your comments will be like an unstoppable asteroid of hatred beaming towards the possibly cannibalistic (more on that later).

Let’s take a look.

THE RECORD

Much like the case with the San Jose Sharks, the Oilers have been pretty gross against the Ducks outside of this year. Surprised? No, I didn’t think so.

YEAR:           W-L-T  Win % GFPG GAPG            
 2017:            3-2-0  60.0  2.8  2.4 | 
 2016:            1-4-0  20.0  1.8  2.6 | 
 2015:            0-4-0   0.0  1.3  3.3 | 
 2014:            2-3-0  40.0  2.8  3.2 | 
 2013:            0-3-0   0.0  0.7  2.7 |
 2012:            1-3-0  25.0  1.5  3.3 |
 2011:            1-3-0  25.0  2.0  3.0 |
 2010:            0-4-0   0.0  2.3  5.0 |
 2009:            2-2-0  50.0  3.3  3.3 |
 2008:            3-1-0  75.0  3.3  1.3 |
 2007:            1-3-0  25.0  2.3  3.8 |
 2006:            8-1-0  88.9  3.8  2.7 |

Table from mcubed.net

Aside from this season and the 2007-08 season, the Oilers haven’t been able to get much done against the Ducks over the past 10 years. I’m even looking at the Eakins era when the Oilers got shutout in the wins department and getting annoyed by it.

RYAN KESLER’S ‘HEY BRO CHECK OUT MY TATTOO. DO YOU GET IT?’ TATTOO

In the category of embarrassingly horrible decisions, I present this ridiculous “Superman” tattoo that Kesler is sporting on his right shoulder. Note how he replaced the ‘S’ with a ‘K’ because his last name is Kesler. Get it? I wonder how many times he’s asked people if they get it? Definitely more than once, right? I’d bet on it. Seriously, though, cool tat, Ryan. I totally get it.

This is the kind of ink a person gets when they’re also likely to speak in the third person. Ryan Kesler wants a Ryan Kesler tattoo for Ryan Kesler. And before you get on me that his kids’ names are in there that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the Super-K that was there before the names were added later.

KEVIN BIEKSA, NOTED DIVER

Have you seen a player spending more time face down on the ice than Kevin Bieksa has this year? Almost every night, it seems like he hits the deck like he just got shot and it’s kinda amazing that he keeps getting away with it. Kevin Bieksa is just as likely to be face down on the ice as he is to be playing his brand of mediocre defence. If the dives aren’t enough for you, let me remind you that Kevin Bieksa (like Kesler) was a Vancouver Canuck before heading to Anaheim, he’s likely to throw a cheap hit on an Oilers forward, and he can also be rude to the ladies. For shame, Kevin.

COREY PERRY, GOAL SCORING DIRT DUCK

For as annoying as Corey Perry is to play against the guy can also burn you on the scoresheet which makes him a big problem going into round two. The Oilers need to find a way to keep this guy off the scoreboard and to also fill his face with fist kisses if he happens to get out of line. Fortunately, the Oilers have plenty of meat monsters in the lineup that will likely be willing to pop in the mouth if Perry starts going full Perry. The problem, though, is that Perry can be sneaky dirty and the Oilers may have to take things into their own hands because having the refs penalize him for cheating is the last thing we can depend on.

RYAN GETZLAF CAN BE JUST AS DIRTY

While Corey Perry is the Duck that is most likely to be labelled as dirty, their captain is no slouch in his own right. Don’t believe me? Just ask Juraj Mikus about it. Who is Juraj Mikus? He’s the Slovakian guy in the video above that is writhing in pain after Getzlaf threw out his knee in an attempt to dish out prison justice after a clean hit on his teammate. Don’t care about his dirtiness when he’s wearing the maple leaf? How about this chicken wing elbow that could have meant Dan Hamhuis would be getting colouring books for Christmas instead of playing in the NHL. Beware, Nation, the Ducks can be a dirty hockey team and it starts with their captain.

WE GAVE THEM A STANLEY CUP

Remember when Chris Pronger bolted only a year into his contract, won a Stanley Cup with the Ducks, and all we got was this lousy Lupul*. I remember when that trade went down and really trying to convince myself that Joffrey Lupul was going to be a hometown hero that came back to save the franchise. *swings and misses* Thank Gord I wasn’t blogging yet because I probably would have written something embarrassing like “watch Lupul score 40” or something stupid like that. Instead, Lupul scored only 16 goals that year and was traded to Philly for the following year. The worst kick to the junk was seeing Pronger’s smug face as he lifted the Cup after bailing on the Oilers only one year into that bargain contract.

*they also got Laddy Smid, a first, and a conditional first-round pick that turned into Jordan Eberle.

WE NEVER GOT TO SEE A BARN FIGHT

After Kevin Lowe signed Dustin Penner to an offer sheet back in 2007, then Ducks GM, Brian Burke, challenged him to a barn fight. The worst part about the story, aside from the embarrassment of two grown men fighting through the media, was the fact that we never got to see a barn fight. And also why a barn? Wouldn’t any room be acceptable? Basement fight club? Conference room at the Holiday Inn?

Anyway…

Back in 2011, David Staples broke down the whole story over at the Edmonton Journal:

“It got a point where Kevin challenged me to a fight on a radio interview,” Burke told  Jurksztowicz. “I’m like that’s not really how you challenge a guy to a fight. If you want to challenge a guy to a fight, you pick a place and a time and you show up. So I called Glen Sather and I said, ‘Look, this guy went on the radio and challenged me to a fight.’ I said, ‘I’m going to be at Lake Placid at the U.S. junior camp.” I gave him three dates. I told him I’d rent a barn and I’d pick the address and the time and I’d fight Kevin Lowe.

I would have paid to see that. Such a waste.

THE THIRD MIGHTY DUCKS MOVIE WAS TERRIBLE

After nailing the first two movies in the series, the Mighty Ducks movie franchise got greedy with that waste of film known as D3. In fact, that movie is so bad that I defy you to sit through it in the first place. The movie poster says that D3 was “far and away the best Ducks yet” but I have to assume that whoever gave that review was fired shortly after. I have no proof of this but I’m going to blame this movie for being the beginning of the end of Disney owning the team. It took them nine years of shame after this movie was made before they were able to sell the team whose name is associated with it, allegedly in my opinion.

DUCKS ARE CANNIBALS

From the Government of Australia

Although cannibalism can begin in ducks of any age, ducklings over four weeks old are more prone to develop this vice. The underlying reasons for birds turning to cannibalism are not known, but it is associated with boredom and is aggravated by:
Overcrowding
Lack of ventilation
Faulty nutrition.

The only known way to stop it is to remove the rim at the front of the bird’s upper bill. Commercial beak-trimming machines are available. They have heated cauterising blades and run on electricity or butane gas. Beak trimming should be performed only by a competent operator and only when it is essential to reduce damage and suffering in the flock.

I’m not saying that the Anaheim Ducks are cannibals but…

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS THING?

The Indoutka Duck

The Indoutka Duck looks like it has tumours growing on its face and it creeps me out.

 

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