With Connor McDavid officially signing his new contract earlier this afternoon, I put together a list of things that he might want to do with the money.
What will Connor do with $100 million? I’m assuming all kinds of boring things like investments and savings and bonds and blah blah blah, but what fun is that? Not that I’m expecting Connor will need any help spending his money, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t offer my advice anyway. With that in mind, I’ve put together a list of just a few ideas that should get Connor’s creative juices flowing when it comes to opening up that McWallet.
BUY 10 MILLION JUMBO DONAIRS
If there’s one thing that Edmontonians love to do it’s crush donairs and Connor now has the scratch to buy all of the sweet, sweet meat that he could ever hope for. I’m not saying that he wasn’t able to afford donairs before, but this new deal guarantees that he can buy 10 million of them! That would be money well spent, my friends.
BUY 22,779,043 MILLION FIDGET SPINNERS
If you thought buy one fidget spinner was cool then how about getting 24 million of them! Just imagine how jealous every kid and hipster would be as Connor used his might skills and coordination to spin millions of them at a time. His Instagram would be lit, fam. You may not be into fidget spinners but millennials love that shit.
BUY 11,123,470 DOUBLE MUSHROOM BURGER COMBOS AT BURGER BARON
When you’ve got the weight of a franchise on your shoulders it’s important to stay nourished. At $8.99, this double mushroom burger combo with fries will surely satisfy our hero and to be able to order nearly 12 million of them is a luxury I could only dream of. Eat well, sweet prince.
BUY 623,520 KEGS OF NATION BEER
After crushing all that Burger Baron, Connor is going to need something to drink. Fortunately, he can afford to stay hydrated on the best hometown brew of all time. Unlike the photo above, Connor would be hydrating a keg at a time rather than raiding the couch to find enough change to afford a can of NationBeer at the Pint.
BUY 93,457,943 LITRES OF BAGGED MILK
Since you can’t buy bagged milk in Alberta anymore I had to look at what a litre costs for our friends in Ontario. My research tells me that a litre of bagged milk is $1.07 and, at that price, Connor will have all the calcium he’ll ever need. Now, to work on that Oreo budget.
BUY NINE PCL TEAMS AND BRING THE LEAGUE BACK TO CANADA
Back in 2003, the Edmonton Trappers sold for $10.4 million so I was thinking that Connor could buy nine teams and bring the league back to Canada! One of my favourite things to do when I was a kid was going to Trapper double-headers and I don’t see why the youth of today shouldn’t have those same memories. Do it for the kids, Connor!
BUILD A FUNICULAR FROM HIS CONDO TO ROGERS PLACE
The City of Edmonton spent about $24 million to build the funicular that will access the river valley, and I’m thinking that Connor needs something similar going from his condo to Rogers Place. What is a funicular? According to the Metro article:
It fits about 20 people and moves using cables. Banford describes it like an elevator with glass walls — instead of moving vertically, the funicular moves at an angle. He says the funicular moves two metres per second, so one ride would take you about two minutes. But total trip time — which includes some walking — from the top-of-bank at 100 Street to the lookout is about eight minutes.
How cool would Connor look making his way to Rogers Place as he floats above the city? Sick.
HE WON’T SPEND IT ALL AT ONCE, DUMMY
Now, you might be thinking to yourself that it would be ridiculous to spend $100 million on the items listed above so I’ve come up with a more conservative list for you penny pinchers. This is for those of you that are going to call me out on spending all of Connor’s money before he’s even made a pay cheque then I present to you list #2. This list is for a more conservative Connor. The Connor that wants to have some fun but also wants to keep some dough socked away for a rainy day.
Who wouldn’t want a castle? Well, now that Connor is rolling in bread he can afford this baby. With a price of 11,000,000 Euros, this castle in Rieti, Italy, can be Connor’s for less than what he’ll make in the next season. Connor the real estate mogul? I can see it.
THIS $13 MILLION ROLLS-ROYCE SWEPTAIL
When you’re paid like a boss then you should also drive like a boss. Listed at $12.8 million, this Rolls-Royce is one of the most expensive cars on the planet. In case you’re wondering, our quick math has this car’s payments looking like approximately $216,666 per month and that’s without the interest. Bargain!
CONNOR NEEDS A YACHT
Ever wonder what $10 million USD will get you? How about this 145-foot beauty that was built in 2006 in Benetti, Italy? As if you couldn’t picture Connor cruising in the bad boy, babes in tow. Captain Connor on the SS McYachty, reporting for duty!
BUY A NETWORK OF BIKE LANES
Connor doesn’t have a road named after him just yet so I’m thinking the compromise could be that he buys a bike lane instead. The city spent about $7.5 million to launch its first network of bike lanes and, at that price, Connor would still have plenty of cash left over to spend on Burger Baron and kegs of NationBeer (see above.)
BUY AND RENAME THE TALUS BALLS
Have you ever wondered what those shiny balls along the side of the Whitemud cost the city to construct? About $600,000 to be exact. At such a low price, Connor could buy the Talus balls, put his face on them, and rename them McDaddy’s Marbles. The McDaddy’s Marbles would be an art piece that I could get behind.
IMPULSE BUYS FOR RICH GUYS
- For the bargain price of $580, Connor can have his very own shrunken head!
- For the small price of $4521, Connor could have this one of a kind Cheeto that’s shaped like a ‘Y’!
- A rare, mummified Chupacabra Head for only $245!
Regardless of what you actually do with the money, I could not be more pumped that you’ll be back with this team for the next nine years. Today is a good day, and I hope you take some time to enjoy it this summer. Oh captain, my captain.